Also I found this shirt online...
...and all I could think of was some sort of creepy dude going "Rivers...he knows...you know what I mean...Rivers? he knooooows..." in a very human-trafficking-creepy kind of way, which was ironic and weird given the huge FBI bust over the weekend (hey the FBI does good things! huzzah!) #Chargers #AFCWestChamps
Anyhoo, on to today's pressing questions of utmost importance that I would never ever mock due to the unfortunate mental fragility of the askers:
Dear Amy: Recently, my brother was hospitalized for a serious mental health issue. My sister is an avid social media user. She was all over her social media accounts, sharing the details, which were very unpleasant. She "tagged" his name in posts.
I felt she violated his privacy and told her so. She says she is bringing attention to an important mental health issue. My feeling is that should be my brother's choice and he is currently in no shape to make a choice. We're at an impasse and wonder about your thoughts? — Private Sister
Dear your sister is an attention whore,
Wow that's just pathetic. Surely there are easier ways to get random strangers to comment on you and your family...maybe she should post some boobies. That would probably work as a method to quickly gain internet attention, instead of using ze bruda like this...also I'm pretty sure doesn't he have to consent to shit like this? And it seems to me, someone who isn't a doctor but looks like one so that qualifies me more than you to comment on this #racism #i'mnottrayvonmartin, that he is incapable of agreeing to this social media blitz and glamour...I think you should stab your sister, and then put her injuries on twitter and facebook and pintrest and myspace and linkedin and tumblr and yelp and see if she likes it. If she does...well it backfired but you got to stab her so there's that...and if she doesn't well huzzah #solvedafuckingproblemjoe #letsbreakoutthehennessy #allthewaydownfromheretotennessee
Dear Amy: Fifteen years ago my wife fell in love with a married man.
We went to see a marriage counselor but it didn't make any difference. Our kids were quite young at the time and instead of getting a divorce, I decided to stay in the marriage. My kids were involved in religious activities and sports teams, which they would've missed out on because my wife isn't religious or into sports.
I don't believe my wife is in love with the other man anymore, but she's not in love with me either. She doesn't really like doing anything with me (like going to a movie or out to dinner, etc.), and if we do go out with one of the kids, she treats me like a third wheel.
Our youngest daughter recently graduated from high school, and now I'm considering getting a divorce.
I love my wife but don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I know I'm going to have to talk to my kids about the divorce but what would do you recommend I tell my kids — other than that I love them very much? — Sad Dad
Dear Did It For Teh Lulz Children,
Hey maybe you're married to the other whore from the previous letter! #nosuchthingasacoincidence I say you ditch her Hester Prynne ass and boot that slut to the door...you suffered a lot more for your chirren than need be (which seems to have had an obvious effect given the 'religious' and 'sport' interests they wouldve only inherited from your presence) and now you should do the decidedly un-christian thing and get a divorce! #yolo #keepemontheirtoes She doesn't love you, she fell in love with some other married man...hey I got it! Call up the other married dude, find his wife, get a trade! maybe you can throw in some children I mean draft picks into the deal to sweeten it up, and bazam you got yourself a brand new wife! Or you could just activate the morality clause in your marriage deal and boot The Good Wife out the door without incurring any luxury tax #sportsmetaphors...or just staple a gigantic red "A" to her face and kick her in the uterus. It'll be hard to verify if you got it on your first kick, so keep going. If she presses charges we'll find Johnny Cochran and Chris Brown can be a character witness. As for the children...as long as you keep spoiling them they don't give two shits about this whole situation.
Dear Amy: I loved your quote to the woman who wanted to dance ("She who dances most wins").
I keep a book filled with interesting quotes that I vainly drop into conversations now and then, and you're in it.
If your career ever goes to pot and you wind up living on the streets in an old refrigerator box, you'll have the comfort of knowing that you've gone down in posterity? — A Fan
Dear wow that escalated quickly #wtf #whosaysshitlikethat,
Let's ignore the quote for now and get back to your actual message...what the fuck man...I realize that there is literally no skill attached to this job, and I have no actual value as far as talent goes...but wow this was just mean...no need to discuss this "career" going south and resulting in homelessness...yeesh. But there is the super-silver-almost-gold lining of being in your quote book! What the fuck...what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck...you're some random person, and you expect me to give a shit (note: i barely do now, but you expect me to once I'm HOMELESS? Look you egotistical banana fruitcake, you could be the goddamn pope and I don't care if youre quoting me I'M HOMELESS GIVE ME A MCCHICKEN AND SOME FRIES AND A FUCKING SHELTER YOU TWATNUGGET) about the fact that youre quoting me? WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DO-CUNTBASKET. I hate you, your family, and I hope you die in a horrible zyklon b-esque manner. Fucking "have the comfort of knowing you've gone down in posterity" man fuck you. If I ever meet a guy named "Fan"...
Now about that quote...if the quote had been "he who dances most wins" feminists and feminazis all over the world would have been up in arms about the blatant sexism and bias in this quote, but all of a sudden we thrown an 's' in that piece and all be good. gotta love double standards, mirite? If I got some bros all riled up about this, femibitches wouldve been all over this about how it doesn't really mean "she" just means some random person, etc etc trying to defend this with rational arguments but take that 's' out and all of the sudden its gendercaust 2.0...ugh america its shit like this. Between trivial gender problems and the trayvon martin circus...people miss important issues, like 70+ youth dying in chicago in one weekend, or the GIGANTIC HUMAN TRAFFICKING PROBLEMS THIS COUNTRY STILL HAS. FUCK.
Anyway, "she who dances most wins"...fuck that. I can dance if I want to. Heck, I'll leave my friends behind if I have to. Cuz my friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well shoot, they're no friends of mine. Fuck this, I can go where I want to, a place you'll never find, and as a result act like we're out of this world leaving your nondancing one far behind.
S-SSSS
A-AAAA
F-FFFF
E-EEEE
T-TTTT
Y-YYYY
SAFE...TY DANCE!
pew pew pew papew pew pew pew
WE CAN GO WHERE WE WANT TO
THE NIGHT IS YOUNG AND SO AM I
AND WE CAN DRESS REAL NEAT FROM OUR HANDS TO OUR FEET
AND SURPRISE'EM WITH A VICTORY CRY
WE CAN ACT IF WE WANT TO,
IF WE DONT NOBODY WILL
AND YOU CAN ACT REAL RUDE AND TOTALLY REMOVED
AND I CAN ACT LIKE AN IMBECILE
WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE
EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL
WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE
WE'RE DOIN IT FROM WALL TO WALL
WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE
EREBODY LOOK AT YO HANDS
WE CAN DANCE WE CAN DANCE
EREBODYS TAKIN THE CHA-AAAA-ANNNNCEE!
woo that was fun...what was the question? Don't really remember, but it's probably accurate anyway so I'll close with hey whatshisface go stfu and solve it yourself like a big boy.
#FreeSuarez #spendsomefuckingmoneyarsenal
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