Seventy Suffering Samurais!

Dear Amy: I'm in therapy learning to deal with the fallout from being raised by parents who belittled, bullied, and verbally and emotionally abused me for most of my life.

They have never admitted doing anything wrong, insisting that they were great parents and I was too weak or too immature to see that they were only doing "what was best for me."

Before I started to see a psychiatrist, I planned to write my parents a long letter telling them how they had hurt me and how it has affected every aspect of my life. I also considered telling my concerned family and friends via social media what they did to me and how much it hurt.

I was very surprised when my therapist told me not to post anything. He said many libel and character defamation lawsuits have resulted from such revelations, and he advised me not to say anything unless it was face to face, so as to not leave any paper trail.

Amy, all I'd be doing is telling the truth about the horrible way they chose to raise me and the affect it has had on me. Why would it be wrong to tell the truth? — Posting for Closure

Dear Obvious White Person,

Hah. Hahahahah. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Wow this is priceless.  The world isn't split into good people and death eaters, harry I mean the world isn't split into good people and bad people...there are good and bad in all of us.  Now, you're clearly white, because a properly raised minority wouldn't have this audacious tone and outrageous self-entitlement.  You have verbal and emotional abuse...be thankful they didn't do some beating.  As someone who had all three #naturalhattrick #winnerwinnerchickendinner I can tell you that of the three, the physical hurts the most.  Literally, metaphysically, mentally - however you want to check it.  You can tune out people talking (I think there's a word for this..."ignore"? Is that it? Yeah that sounds right...try IGNORING them...you fucking idiot...), you can sidestep the emotional issues (many paths to choose on this one, I decided to go the route of suppressed anger+apathy with a healthy dose of sarcasm, it's worked wonders for me, you useless soul-sucking inbred fool of a Took human), but you can't avoid the beating.  So be thankful for that, ungrateful wench.  So just suck it up, grow some balls, and deal with it.  You're white, that means your life is automatically in the top 10% of the world.  I hate you and hope you cry yourself to sleep at nights.  Don't forget to get your free "White Privilege" card on your way out.

There's probably something wrong with me, but you don't see me running off to therapy waaa waaaa daddy was mean to me today waaaa waaaaaa it just sounds like you're already looking for an excuse as to why you're a shitty addition to the human population.

Also that HP reference...thought about going somewhere with that but then I changed my mind.  This stream-of-consciousness thing is literally the best thing Faulkner ever came up with.

Dear Amy: I have a long-distance friend who canceled her wedding two weeks before the wedding date.

I am relieved that she escaped what was sounding to be a dangerous marriage. Her parents sent out an appropriate, well-thought-out, handwritten postcard to relay the "wedding canceled" message. They asked that we keep the individuals involved in our thoughts and prayers.

I would like to send a kind card and perhaps a small, thoughtful gift to my friend. Is a card and small gift appropriate? If so, what type of gift would be both personal and appropriate? — Wondering

Dear this better not be Ashley talking about Okie and Sam,

Wow man white people have the BEST problems.  Is this...what...wait...what? Is your question...whether this is an opportunity to give someone a gift?  So she avoided an abusive situation (well that's certainly a good thing)...to my knowledge gifts are given during happy occasions...this seems like a happy occurrence...yeah man go nuts.  Give her something she'll really appreciate, like poetry like anything else ever.

Seriously though...Russia deals with Putin, China deals with human rights violations, Japan deals with a horrible economic downturn, India deals with poverty, the Middle East deals with [insert Islamic dictator of the week here] and Africa deals with literally everything under the sun.  I'm fairly certain World War III isn't gonna be started by Germany, but when the rest of the world figures out the 'problems' yall experience with your daily lives #OMG #WILLIAMSHAVINGABABBY #OMGOMGOMG #NEEDTODISCUSSTHIS24-7 #HOLY FUCK SHUT THE HELL UP ENGLAND ITS JUST ANOTHER ENTITLED SOB TO USE THE MONEY THEY STOLE FROM MINORITIES FOR CENTURIES I HATE ALL OF YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

except for Arsenal.  Because Arsenal's the shit.

#You'llAlwaysWalkAlone #FreeSuarez #40MillionAndMaybeAMulePoundMore

Dear Amy: My son, who is 21, has been dating the same girl for three years. When they began dating she was tiny, but now she has gained a significant amount of weight. She is petite, about 5 feet 3 inches, but I'd say she weighs 150 pounds. My son is very active and fit. He says it bothers him that she has gained weight and he has tried to encourage her to work out with him. She had a foot injury that prevents her from doing heavy running, etc., and she says she has gained since going on birth control. I've heard of women gaining on the pill, but not 30 to 40 pounds! She eats a lot of pizza, carbs, etc.

This relationship seems serious. I've talked to my son about it because he is a handsome guy, into fitness, and he is starting to wonder about the future of the relationship if she continues on this path. She's endangering her health as well as hurting her appearance.

I tried talking to her indirectly, but she said she accepts her weight gain. I also talked to my son about whether I should offer to take her to some of the Pilates and yoga classes I attend, but I wonder if that's being overinvolved on my part. Is this my business?

I hate seeing this beautiful girl, who is in many ways a good companion to my son, become so unhealthy and probably risk losing him because she is not taking care of herself? — Overly Concerned Mom

Dear WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YALL

ohmigod.  holy ohmigod.  what the fuck.  whaaaaat the fuck.  fucking what the fuck.  what the fuck.  who the fuck...what the fuck.  you fucking fuck what the fuck kind of fucking problem oh my GOD.  Jesus is in tears right now..."Man bump this THIS is what I died for? THESE PEOPLE? DAMN IT WHAT DID I DO I HAD A GOOD THING GOING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"