Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Neville thuckths

sorry guys long time no post.  Don't really have much to say...I spend a lot of my time modeling neutron fluxes through various buildings to study the dosage effects a 14 MeV DT generator would have on humans.  I doubt anyone wants to hear about that, but if you do then I can scan my lab notebook and yall can just go wild.

But bossman did show me this link http://www.tor.com/blogs/2013/11/neville-longbottom-is-the-most-important-person-in-harry-potter and I decided that a good return to the blogosphere would be to tear apart this shitty document.
So here’s the thing: out of all your wizarding students and house elves and headmasters and Death Eaters and muggles and centaurs, there is really only one person who determines the course of the Harry Potter series.
It’s Neville Longbottom.

Neville Longbottom has quite a following in the Harry Potter fandom, and for good reason—he is humble and noble, brave and kind, he’s a wonderful friend and a fierce supporter. Neville is what most Gryffindors would be like in the real world, a person capable of heroic feats under dire circumstances, but not inclined to them every waking moment. Neville understands that it’s not about being loud and brash every day, it’s about picking your battles and knowing what’s dear and worth fighting for.
Fairly confident that if there is "one person who determines the course of the Harry Potter series" ITS HARRY FUCKING POTTER. ITS KIND OF NAMED AFTER HIM, DUH. IF HARRY DIES, THE SERIES ENDS.  IF NEVILLE DIES...WELL WE CAN REPLACE HIM. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.  So seriously, this is already flawed.  Nothing wrong with Neville, he's an outstanding bro, and has some nice characteristics, but jesus lets not fellate the dude just because everyone thinks from ages 11-16 he was mentally retarded and it turns out we were wrong about it.

Neville also might have been the chosen one, according to Trelawney’s prophecy. If Voldemort had simply decided he was the real threat, then Harry could have avoided his mark and lived life out… well, a little more normally.

So wait...Neville was ALMOST the most important.  Okay...thanks for clarifying how he was ALMOST important,  Just like I was ALMOST valedictorian in high school.  Close doesn't count for shit.  Except in bomb blasts.  And horseshoes, apparently.
But it’s not quite so simple as all that. See, Rowling largely operates Harry’s generation in a clear system of parallels to the previous generation, Marauders and all. Harry is his father—Quidditch star, a little pig-headed sometimes, an excellent leader. Ron is Sirius Black—snarky and fun, loyal to a fault, mired in self-doubts. Hermione is Remus Lupin—book smart and meticulous, always level-headed, unfailingly perceptive. Ginny is Lily Evans—a firecracker, clever and kind, unwilling to take excuses. Draco Malfoy is Severus Snape—a natural foil to Harry, pretentious, possessed of the frailest ego and also deeper sense of right and wrong when it counts. And guess what?
Neville Longbottom is Peter Pettigrew.
Think about it—the tag along friend who looks up to the trio, but is looked down on by everyone else for not being remarkably talented or suave. Someone who is trusted with a lot of Harry's most important secrets, in a perfect position to give everyone away. “Foolish boy,” as McGonagall said of little Pettigrew. Another pureblood who has no respect from the higher-up notable wizarding families. Gullible, the easy mark, someone who other children make fun of when Harry, Hermione, and Ron aren’t on hand to defend him. Neville is Peter’s brand new analog in the story.

Ohhh, you're an English major! That's the only possible explanation for this paragraph.  Who cares what the analogy is? It provides no actual explanation to why Neville is important, other than to provide this talking point.  Which is in and of itself, useless.  And I think Grindelwald is Hitler.  But you don't see my writing about how I think Grindelwald is the worst wizard of the 20th Century.  Queen Elizabeth is a surprisingly close second, with Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Osama rounding out the AP Top 5.  College Gameday is heading out next week to London, England, for the top 15 match up of the Kony State Fighiting Ugandans against the University of Britain Lions.











Sorry, got distracted.  But surely we can see how useless relating Ron to Sirius is in an argument about how Neville is the most important character.  And comparing him to Pettigrew is just mean.  Pretty sure Pettigrew has AIDS.  At the very least, diabetes.  He lost an arm, or something.  I assume it was diabetes related.  Rats don't really have good diets.  Probs had to amputate that shit.

Or, at least, he could have been. Neville is a perfect example of how one single ingredient in the recipe can either ruin your casserole (or stew, or treacle tart, whatever you like), or utterly perfect your whole dish. Neville is the tide-turner, the shiny hinge. And all because he happens to be in the same position as Wormtail… but makes all the hard choices that Pettigrew refused the first time around. Other characters are in similar positions, but none of them go so far as Neville. None of them prove that the shaping of destiny is all on the individual the way he does.

Um...every human is a wild card.  This isn't a Neville-only thing.  Every f'n character (except Moldy Voldy, because he's just a nutjob) is like that.  Sometimes they're the shit, sometimes they are menstruating (Ron is especially prone to losing to the Crimson Tide), and sometimes they are dead #sorrygeorge.

So he's better than wormtail.  This is good, and factual.  I think we need to discuss what "most important" means.  Doesn't mean "better than wormtail."  I feel like Harry shows the "shaping of destiny" waaaay more than Neville.  Again, this probably has to do with all that poppycock "main character" bullshit.  Who even pays attention to important plot elements, anyway.

Of course, Neville does embody many characteristics that are worth emulating all on his own, but the more important part of that equation is how his strengths fill a gap in group dynamics that the Marauders were missing. Harry and company need Neville in the exact way that James and Lily and the Order of the Phoenix needed Peter. The difference is that Neville is more than up to the task.

While Harry was in Hogwarts, explain to me how they needed Neville.  Book 1, they ignore him when he stands up to them. Book 2...not even sure what Neville does that whole year.  Probably loses a frog and pisses off Snape.  Book 3...thanks to his retardness, he lets Sirius into the dormitory.  Book 4...he helps Harry with the gillyweed he doesn't do shit, other than remember what ruined his parents' life.  Book 5 he relies on the support structure of Alcoholics Anonymous  Dumbledore's Army (AP: unranked, Coach's: RV) to sneak through the ministry, where he gets assaulted, injured and causes Harry to drop the prophecy while Harry is trying to take care of his dumb ass.  Man, he IS important!  Book 6...again, not sure what he was up to the whole time.  Probably losing Trevor some more.  Book 7...he becomes a leader.  But, BUT he admits to just mimicing Harry, essentially saying something along the lines of "yo harry when youse wuz here we all be seein the shit u did, and how it like tots mcgots gave all da peeps da confidence to stand up t'authority and shit so meesa justa copyin you!" so he's not actually useful, he just fills in as a wanna-be harry.  Yeah that sounds like "more than up to the task" of mimicing the protagonist, hero and, yet again, MAIN CHARACTER. How can someone possibly be more important than the main character. If Harry died at any point, story's over.  Neville dies...not over.  Ergo we see that the limiting reactant to the reaction that is Harry Potter is HARRY FUCKING POTTER. #chemistryburn #chemicalburn #kindalikenevilleineverypotionsclassever #goddamnitneville #whywecan'thavenicethings

It’s a lesson in self-worth under stronger personalities that most human beings could do with at some point or another. Because society at large insists that the only people of value are leaders and their closest confederates, people like Neville are dismissed at first blush much in the same manner that he is dismissed by his classmates in his first years at Hogwarts. But that lack of confidence from his peers doesn’t lead him to throw in the towel; his self-deprecation eventually turns into a dogged insistence on growing his skill set, on offering his help whether or not it’s been called for, on figuring out how he can best be of use in the coming fight.

Ummmm...okay, so Neville was shunned, and then he turned useful.  Yet again, I wonder if you understand the words "most important"

Peter Pettigrew was in that very same place, but let his weaknesses carry through life; he hero-worshipped James and Sirius, then simply transferred that sensibility to Voldemort. He is the ultimate follower, he moves to what he perceives as the strongest single voice in the room. Which is the reason why Peter doesn’t seem to lose much sleep over his decisions—while he’s aware that what he has done is wrong, his basic excuse for everything is “But You Know Who had so much power! There was no other choice that makes sense!” Sirius says that he would have died rather than betray Lily and James the way Peter did, but the real point to take away is that dying was never the only option. If Peter had worked a little harder, relied less on the protection of others, believed in the power of his friendships and family, he need never have made those choices in the first place.

BLAH BLAH BLAH RED HERRING BULLSHIT BLAH BLAH BLAH

This is why Neville’s very first act of heroism is a perfect juxtaposition to Peter’s failings when he stands up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione in thePhilosopher’s Stone. Dumbledore recognizes it as such, and rewards him for his body bind with the final points needed to win Gryffindor the House Cup. He makes it Neville’s personal victory by announcing him last. (You have to surmise that Dumbledore sees how history might repeat itself and is relieved to see Neville going down a different road.) Where Peter spent his life in the shadow of his friends, remembered even by professors as little more than a sycophant—recall that Professor McGonagall thinks of him primarily as that boy who trailed after James and Sirius—Neville steps away from that position immediately and shows everyone that while he may be meek, he’s no one to mess around with.

Let's use Dumbledore as a scoreboard.  Ron's chess game: 50 pts.  Hermione's logic shit: 50 pts.  Harry's badassery 1 v 2 match: 60 points.  Neville standing up to the aformentioned 3: 10 pts.  Woo, yeah, that's some top quality shit.  Basic math indicates that Harry is at least 6x more excellent than Neville.  Also, Dumbledore announces it last because ITS WAY MORE AWESOME THAT WAY.  GOD DAMN WHAT ARE YOU READING INTO THIS SHIT.  HE READS IT LAST BECAUSE THAT WAY SLYTHERIN AND GRYFFINDOR ARE TIED GOING INTO NEVILLE'S THING, NOT BECAUSE THERE IS ANY HIDDEN LOGIC TO IT.  HOLY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Um, "he is no one to mess around with" yeah you're absolutely right.  He got petrified, he gets tortured by Malfoy on a seemingly daily basis, and he gets his remembrall shit stolen.  Who solved that problem, again? some bloke named Harry.  What does Neville do about the whole situation? Nothing? Yeah that's someone to not mess with.

More important than Neville’s defense of what’s right is his role as a keeper of hope. Neville comes to Harry’s aid when no one believes what he says, 

SO DOES LUNA.

fights alongside him when most flee at the prospect of real danger

So does the rest of Dumbledore's Army.

then keeps his platoon going from inside Hogwarts during Harry’s absence.

That he runs with the help of Ginny and Luna, in addition, he states that he does the shit because he saw how Harry commanded that role to great effect.  So in reality, he's trying to be Harry, since HP isn't there anymore.  Wait.  He's trying to be Harry.  He's trying to be Harry.  Hmmm.  Pretty sure that just makes my point for me.

He has the hardest job of anyone, and it’s a responsibility he takes on without being asked or expected to do so. He houses refuges in the Room of Requirement, lets everyone know that Dumbledore’s Army is alive and well. Epic tales always demand that someone never give up the cause no matter how bleak things seem, and that’s Neville through and through. His friends are kidnapped, tortured and gone, but he stays at Hogwarts while two Death Eaters are teaching classes and keeps the candle burning for Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s return.

So he's waiting for the main trio to come back and save the day.  So he's just a caretaker.  He's like the teenage neighbor you pay to water your plants and feed your animals while you're on vacation.  Or better yet, not while you're on vacation, but while you're out SAVING THE GODDAMN WORLD.

If he hadn’t, who knows if the Battle of Hogwarts could have even taken place.

Are you shitting me? In fact, if he hadn't, less people would have died.  Harry would have still broken in the castle to find the diadem, but less people would have been interested in his return.  So there wouldn't have been as much fuss about harry running around the castle.  So there wouldn't have been that mass uprising against the Snape regime, so Voldy wouldn't have heard about it as accurately/rapidly.  So the Order of the Phoenix (AP: 17 Coach's: 13 BCS: 14) wouldn't have come to the rescue, so less people for Voldy to kill, because Voldy's direct orders were to kill everyone BUT harry.  So really, you couldn't be more wrong.  You could try, but you would fail.

 Still, Harry didn’t come up with Neville’s role in a brilliant moment of strategic awareness—they simply got lucky that Neville decided he wanted the job.

So your entire premise is based on sheer luck.  Yeah, that seems like a strong foundation for your "argument"

You could argue that his parentage has a lot to do with his journey. Frank and Alice Longbottom were tortured to insanity by the Lestranges, and so he has a deeply personal reason to stand against Voldemort. But by all accounts, Peter also had a good family who would have been horrified by the choices he made. This ties into Pettigrew’s decision to fake his own death—his mother could believe that he died a hero. Neville’s situation is exactly opposite and once again shows Peter up in every sense; he fights for a family that is no longer present, wants to make his parents proud though they will never consciously know what he is doing in their memory.

"deeply personal reason to stand against Voldemort" YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE JEWISH TO HATE HITLER, OR CAMBODIAN TO HATE POL POT OR WHITE TO HATE JUSTIN BEIBER. IN FACT, DOING GOOD INDEPENDENT OF SOME PERSONAL MISSION SPEAKS MORE THAN JUST HAVING SOME VENDETTA.

I'm wondering if this article is really about how Neville > Peter.  Because that's all you've proven, and honestly, it doesn't take much to be better than Pettigrew.  So congrats, I suppose.  That would be like me proving that Tim Duncan is a better driver than Helen Keller.  It's pretty self-explanatory.  Even if all you know is that Tim Duncan has a right foot, at least one working arm and at least one working eye (and is male! #boom #sexism)

In the final hour, Neville is given a chance to make the same cowardly choice that Peter did, to join Voldemort’s forces and go the easy route. 

Wow talk about reading into a specific instance just to make a point.

And instead he pulls Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of a burning Sorting Hat anddestroys the final horcrux by slicing off Nagini’s head. It couldn’t be more clear than it is in that moment; Harry needs Neville in order to end this war 

Yeah, good thing Harry did all the legwork to lead up to this point.  It would be like scoring 14 points and having 1 assist in the national championship game, but having some other guy come in and make the game winning shot.  Let's just ignore the senior who did all the work allowing that opportunity to even exist for some rando. #NeverGiveUp #RIP #LoveYouZo

just as much as he needs Ron and Hermione, the same way that his parents needed Peter. And it is true that Harry is a much better friend to Neville than his father might have been to Peter, but at the end of the day, that’s still down to Neville—down to a boy who demanded respect from his friends right from the start, no matter how small or unremarkable he felt. 

If you have to demand respect from your friends...maybe you shouldn't be friends with them.  Just a thought.

Who had the gumption to do what he knew was right, not when it was hard but because it was hard.

Wat.  What does this even mean.  Pretty sure he did what he did because he knew it was the RIGHT THING TO DO.  take that peptalky bullshit out of here.  No one does anything because its really hard to do, they do it because its the right thing to do.  He didn't choose the timing or difficulty of the assignment.  He chose the assignment itself.  Good god its almost as if you wrote this because it sounds super fancy, but doesn't mean jack shit.  Don't quit your day job, Emily.

That distinction makes Neville Longbottom the truest of Gryffindors and a surprising balancing point of the entire Harry Potter narrative. Who Peter Pettigrew might have been had he understood that courage wasn’t about blind action, but about doing what was needed even if no one ever asked. In a world of leaders and followers, there are some who don’t attempt to fit either mold, and it is those distinct few who really determine the future of us all. That is what Neville Longbottom can teach us.

Yup we  close on some nonsensical text wrapping up an article that had no premise (or a terrible one, at least) and didn't defend it at all.  But it looks and sounds really nice! And that's what a B.S. in English is all about.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Shwin and John's Excellent Adventure

Now this is the story all about how I flipped-turned John all upside down and I’d like to take a minute so sit right there and I’ll tell you the story about how John kicked a woman in the back of her friggin head.

So let’s just start at the beginning of this wonderful trip…it started off really horribly…6 am Thursday.  Doing some dishes last second because I didn’t want them just sitting there for four days while I was gone (read: when you’re leaving for a while, don’t leave shit out.  It’s fucking nasty), and one of them was this huge sharp knife.  Was cleaning the blade when BOOM shit slices open my thumb, blood literally gushing all over the sink (had to scrub hard to keep it from staining…looks like my blood follows the g-code #gohardorgohome), and it took me like 20 minutes to wrap that sumbitch up, except that it wasn’t really done bleeding, so my thumb was swelling up with blood.  So that was fun.  Security was super interested in why my thumb was swollen, which was good, I guess, because they didn’t really give a shit that I was smuggling enough nutella sandwiches to feed a small Somali child army.  Dear NSA, I’m totally not doing that.  kthx.

Just chilled at the airport, nothing to interesting…well minus the fact that somehow between me checking in and me finally getting through security (honestly only a 20 minute process…look at that, there aren’t that many people who leave Knoxville at 730 am on a Thursday), my gate changed twice, so that was somewhat interesting.  I know they technically say “gate may change blah blah blah” but how often does that actually happen? Knoxville has 12 gates though, so its not like it was a significant problem.  However, the flight at the gate before mine to DEN was to IAH, and they overbooked that flight to Houston, so they offered free gateside check-in to passengers going to IAH for their larger carry-ons.  Now, I wasn’t going to Houston, but the lady gave me the tags and shit anyway, so that was a super primo plus, since I got that free checkin for the Denver flight.  That was excellent only because my left thumb was still in an excruciating amount of pain at that time.  Oh and speaking of that…so on the plane I fell happily asleep, since I am apparently one of a small minority of people who easily fall asleep on planes…idk, maybe I just like it because its somewhat uncomfortable, or because on 8 hour trans-continental flights sleeping is an easy way to pass time, or what it is, but I hear people complain about being able to fall asleep on planes.  Well anyway, there was this seven year oldish girl in the seat in front of me.  WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

A)    Nothing, only reason I noticed was on my way out of the plane
B)     She talked the whole fucking time and I was this close to manufacturing a shiv out of various items in my backpack to slit her god damn throat
C)    Her mother was super hot
D)    The cunt leaned her seat back, I fell asleep, and when she returned it to the fucking up-right position it squeezed my left thumb and I called her a “fucking reservoir of douchebagitude”

CUE THE DUCK.  Well the answer is d.  I regret nothing, what a bitch.  That damn thing started throbbing in addition to being swollen with blood.  I tell you what, this sort of logic doesn’t always hold, but…using half a thing of Neosporin really helped speed up the cut-sealing-itself process.  I guess losing a shitton of blood also helped, but still.  Good to know for the future, I suppose.  So some stranger called her a douche.  I’m sure far worse things will be said to her.  Faulty logic? Absolutely.  Am I wrong? No.  Does it mean just because she did something mean to me I don’t have the right to be INCREDIBLY FUCKING PISSED ABOUT IT? Nope! Huzzah, you organic set of cunt-filled orifices!  OH MY GOD THAT’S THE BEST INSULT I’VE CREATED THIS IS GOING TO BE USED AGAIN.  PROBABLY IN A SITUATION I’LL REGRET #YOLO.

So yeah anyway then in the Denver airport took the tram-thing to the main terminal, where some white lady told her daughter that “I wasn’t obeying the radio guy to hold on because I’m brown and brown people have different rules about riding trains” which seemed like an INCREDIBLY racist thing for a stranger to say, but whatever she’s not wrong.  I would link a picture here…but I think everyone knows what I’m talking about.  And then after that I ran into whitey…wearing a r*d w*ngs jersey.  In Denver.  People were giving him just the best looks.  It was pretty funny.  My flight made him a bit late for his meeting, but he wasn’t too broken up about it so I guess it wasn’t that serious.

So he left me in the atrium of his building, so I could get some studying done.  Well, so I couldn’t connect to the UC-B wifi networks, so I just read the most academic stuff on my computer for an hour, which was my old senior design stuff, including the contract from way the fuck back when, which had my faults listed as: “cooperation” and “conflict negotiation,” which is funny because I’m excellent at negotiating exactly what I want.  And I’m super good at cooperating with people as long as I’ve negotiated the terms of the agreement.  So idk what that was all about.  The third fault was ‘procrastination,’ which I feel like I’ve turned into an art form.  So I guess I can’t complain about that one.

And then somehow I got roped into attending johnny’s class, which was interesting insofar as people were giving presentations, and the class was giving comments.

I don’t think I need to spell out what happened, do I? Oh, I do? WELL HERE. WE. GO.

Person 1: said some shit about Parkinson’s, but said some nonsense about how shorter halflives are better for radioisotopes, which is just patently wrong for reasons this blog wasn’t designed to explain (fuck that noise I get enough academic work already) so I ripped her a new one on that.

Person 2: fell asleep since it was mad boring, literally wrote down “sorry bro I tots fell asleep missed your prezi no comments”

Person 3: she seemed like a bitch (which was only confirmed once john said she went to UNC for ‘undergrad’), so I wrote “you, trying to do intelligent things…it’s a bold strategy cotton, let’s see if it pays off for you”

Now because the first one was academically helpful, I definitely turned that one in.  The last two…let’s leave that up to the reader.  You decide for yourself whether I turned those in or not (hint: I told Johnny I didn’t).

So that was more fun than it should have been…I mean I’m on vacation, and here I am going to class. I barely go to my own classes.  But true to form, I fell asleep, and as that famous saying goes, if Ashwin doesn’t fall asleep in class, did class really happen?

Anyway killed some time till we bussed it down to Denver, and had some pregame beers, and headed over to the Pepsi Center, there were a bunch of wings fan around town…and someone was in a Cleary jersey WHO THE HELL WEARS A DAN CLEARY JERSEY.

Anyway so we made it to the stadium, snuck in our liquid courage, found our seats (which had a great view of the ice, in all seriousness…hockey may be one of the few events were nosebleeds are a pretty decent view).  So this rivalry has been dying as of recently, right?  Well, hiring his holiness St. Patrick (see you can’t get me for blasphemy because there IS a St Patrick so huzzah *ruxin voice* SUUUUUUCK EEEEEEEEET) has apparently added something special back to the Avs-Wings game…within 3 minutes, McLeod had started some small tussles (small compared to the history of the game, of course) after he knocked the living shit out of Kronwall.  IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.  Brett would’ve loved that hit.  It was straight out of NHL01 and got McLeod a minor, a major, an ejection, a fine and a five game ban, all for one stinking hit on a pussy-bitch.

Anyway the game itself was a sellout, about a 100 greater than the actual capacity of the Pepsi Center, but unfortunately it was maybe 17-22% full of wings fans, which was kind of a bummer, but still awesome because they were spread out just enough to hear each other cheer, which gave ol’ Johnny some courage.  The whiskey definitely did too.  Now in all honesty (and shouldn’t really come as some surprise…) I am a pretty decent trash talker.  I can usually hold my own just fine.  But Johnny…isn’t.  At Atlanta, he was a complete liability.  At FSU and Clemson, admittedly we didn’t try too hard, but still, he wasn’t the best trashtalking crewmate to have.  But at the hockey game…man it was a blast.  For three hours we were yelling at each other, some punches were thrown, we got into a hockey fight with each other (I gut punched him like 20 times while he was trying to get my avs jersey over my head.  Ignoring that I have like 75 pounds and 8 inches on him, I’m curious what his strategy/end game was).  Don’t really want to talk about the game itself, but there were some nice goals both ways, and a few more fights throughout the game, and although the Avs rallied to tie it at 2, they gave away the third period by missing some really golden chances.  Oh well.  But of all the teams to lose to, the goddamn Wings? I know Patrick isn’t too thrilled about that so I’m sure he got his message to the boys #81-1-0IsStillAnOption

But man let me tell you it was like 199x up in there! 18000 people chanting “RED WINGS SUCK” was just amazing.  It’s one thing to get all riled up for the home team that you support, but a totally different thing to get super excited about hating the opponent.  So that was fun.  But basically the whole game I spent fighting John from high fiving and celebrating with Wings fans by tackling him, and one particular incident got a little feisty and he ended up kicking this chick in the back of the head.  It was so fucking awesome.  She was a bitch anyway, spending the whole game on her phone texting duckfaces to her jersey shore friends anyway, so whatever who gives a shit about her anyway she was probably just some slut they found in a storm drain on the way over to the Pepsi Center anway.  I mean there’s really not much to say about me and whitey yelling continuously about the Avs/Wings and getting drunk and yelling more.

I'm going to stop here for now, because I'm tired of writing, and because fuck you its my blog.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Just some general thoughts on life


It's harder than I thought to blog about stuff on a regular basis just because I’m so busy all the time :/  I’m fairly confident that no one actually reads anymore just because the update schedule is so infrequent that yall just forgot.  Whatever I don’t blame you, I wish I could blog more but who really wants to hear about what I do at work? Let me tell you, it’s a scintillating adventure consisting of a shitton of software packages that use input files that use the most convoluting and confusing syntax structures in the world.  I swear to god, every DoE lab/NE program in the country could all chip in, get someone at a good CS school to take on a project where they study the input mechanisms for these software codes, and develop a semidecent GUI.  Or even just an IDE.  Seriously how hard can it be to make something like that?  And while we’re at it, nuclear engineers, how about you take your heads out of your asses and stop using fucking FORTRAN holy crap that language is so old and antiquated and is just terrible compared to the OOP power of C.  And C already has a shiny new cover in the form of C++.  Oy vey.


Anyhoo so apparently the excuse “oh I thought this was the elevator” doesn’t work when you accidentally walk into the women’s restroom (which, coincidentally, is right next to the elevator).  I didn’t actually mean to walk in, it was legitimately an accident, I was walking and talking to a friend and she cut into the bathrommevator and I just blindly followed not realizing where exactly we were going.   Soooo…yeah that happened.


Oh and yesterday Okie’s hockey (non-UT) game was super exciting.  Their goalie was god awful, and I, being one of like literally 4 fans there, was definitely quite audible in letting the goalie know how much he sucked.  This fool had given the other team (the Fighting 7-11s) a 5-1 lead.   But slowly and sure they choked away that lead and Okie’s team took a 6-5 lead with 3ish minutes left.  Nothing eventful occurred until the Fighting 7-11’s pulled their goalie, and then Okie’s team had a breakaway, to which I bellowed “DON’T FUCKING MISS THE EMPTY NET!” and guess what the retard did? He missed the fucking net! And then Sam got mad when I called him a retard because its insulting to retards, because its not their fault they’re retarded, whereas its clearly this guy’s fault he went full retard on the empty net.  I still maintain that while calling someone retarded is not necessarily the most PC insult, that doesn’t make it wrong or inaccurate.  Just because retarded individuals can’t help their unfortunate situation, it doesn’t mean that someone of capable thought fucking up can’t be classified as ‘acting’ retarded.  It’s not exactly a winnable argument, but that doesn’t make me wrong.

On to the sporting world! So UTK played Florida in a super exciting (is it depressing that that is both super sarcastic yet super accurate? #ThirdSaturdayInSeptember) game that is one of those few games that a single (or I guess in deference to Florida's ballin' defense we'll use 2) gif accurately summarizes the whole game.



Blimey mate wat we got hurr guvnah?

We see hurr the naa-ive Gatah in eets na'achual invoironmeent



Although admittedly Peterman wasn't a whole heck of a lot better.



But then Dominique Easley (who unfortunately got injured in practice...I became a huge fan of this dude during the game, especially after he did this shit all day:)


ROLL, GATORS, ROLL!

DO A BARREL ROLL, GATOR!








It just seems so absolutely unecessary...I LOVE IT.

But shifting our attention to the other kind of football...we're still in disbelief that Arsenal signed one of the best players in the world.  They opened their checkbook past the loose change pocket, pulled out 43 million pounds, and bought MESUT FUCKING OZIL.  And its taken him 2 games to jump to the top of the EPL assists column.

Why yes hello Mesut I'd like 3 assists to go, please.


Arsenal 3-1 Stoke City 1



Yes, thank you Mesut, that will be all for today.




But after last weekend (yup back over the pond to murica football), is anyone more excited than me for this shit?
#SEConCBS

#ASaturdayTradition

#HowBoutDemDawgs

#GeauxTigers

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I gotta find a new hobby


Let's start out with some good and happy news.  So in the biggest club competition in the world, Arsenal is stuck in the "group of death" with literally the 3 best opponents they could have drawn, including the team that came 2nd in the whole shebang a year ago. shebang is apparently a recognized word.  I assume it came from "the whole shebang"...is this what English majors do? After they graduate they become NSA-esque spies for the OED and Merriam-Webster and go around listening in on people's conversations and if enough people use a word/phrasing they add it to the dictionary? WAIT SO DOES THIS MEAN TWERKING IS GONNA BECOME A THING? It isn't yet, thank god, but fuck if we keep saying that word, will the english grads start some sort of internal referendum to add it to the dictionary? Folks, this one of those situations we can only describe as a "NOT-GOOD" situation.  If there has ever been a "NOT-GOOD" in human history...this is it.  This is a defcon 0 "not-good" situation.  You may be saying right now "but DEFCON only goes from 1-5! and even then wouldn't defcon 5 be the worst?" Well you'd be getting some half-credit right now.  Defcon 5 is the least concern, and Defcon 1 is "oh shit niggas we bout to nuke EREBODY up in this piece". So yeah, adding 'twerking' to the dictionary is definitely far worse than a thermonuclear holocaust.

Ironically that's a transition into my need for a new hobby...so I am terribly intrigued by genocide, and I love reading the histories (written by actual scholars, not some two-bit CNN reporter just hoping that introducing enough controversy and drama can get them a tv show or something...but at the same time, at least CNN is trying.  FOX and MSNBC, what do you people actually do, other than wonder why Muslims write about Jesus (holy sir derpington the third do you even know anything) and hire Al Sharpton (sorry thats the REVEREND alford sharpington the XIVth) to stir up the ol' racism pot some more) about what happened, how it happened, external peace efforts...its all super interesting, and incredibly depressing.  Like my-day-has-already-been-ruined depressing.  Even Arsenal winning today wouldn't offset how sad I feel.  Like today, (re)read about the Srebrenica OH SERIOUSLY BLOGSPOT SHEBANG IS A WORD BUT SREBRENICA OH WHOOPS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MATE THATS NOT A WORD well maybe this is why history is ignoring this particular genocide..."Srebrenica? that's not a word don't be silly" "tom, that's a place in Bosnia and Herzegovina-" "Bosnia? Herzegovina? you must be making this shit up! this isn't middle earth name some real places" oy vey.

So...where was I? Oh right so yeah I need to find a new hobby, something interesting to read.  Because this Hotel Rwanda bullshit is seriously killing me.  Wait I feel like I had something else I was also talking about...hmmm...OH RIGHT THAT VIDEO.  How badass is that shit? The word "classy" get used a LOT these days, but I'll be damned if what BVB produced isn't the epitome of...well, classy.  There really aren't synonyms for that, are there?  Well regardless, that video was unbelievable.  And how about that Serbian (Neven Subotic, for those of you curious) with the American accent? Didn't see that shit coming.  But reading wikipedia, we can see how this entire post is made up of completely unrelated YET COMPLETELY RELATED material: Subotic moved to the US (via Germany) from Bosnia...where he was escaping the war.  How's that for tying it all together?

#BVBBorussiaDortmund

#YouCan'tTeachClass

#WelcomeToAshburtonGrove

Sunday, September 15, 2013

In the words of Kid Rock...

...which I only know from the snippets ESPN plays...GOD BLESS SATURDAY.

Honestly, is there a better day than Saturday?  There are six other days in the week, but I'm pretty sure at least five of them are awful, and Sunday is supposedly when God took the day off, so clearly he didn't give a shit what Sunday was all about when he was making the seven days of the week, so even if..you don't...like...college football (how could you not i mean seriously HOW COULD YOU NOT ROCKY TOP YOU'LL ALWAYS BE HOME SWEET HOME TO ME I MEAN SERIOUSLY THE ATMOSPHERE IS UNBEATABLE HAIL TO THE VICTORS VALIANT HAIL HAIL TO MICHIGAN THE BANDS ARE ALWAYS PLAYING SOME SORT OF AWESOME RENDITION OF SOMETHING (except notre dame those irish catholic leprechaun fools were literally just making noise for the entire third quarter) SHOUT ALOUD TO THE MEN WHO PLAY THE GAME TO WIN THE GAME ITSELF IS SUPER EXCITING.

Okay so I have some good news and bad news.  The bad news is I started writing that at 3:00 am when I was still super stoked about watching football with my Michibro for like 15 hours.  They say its the little things in life that matter, and I'll be damned if there's anything better than drinking beer, eating pizza and watching college football with some buddies on a glorious Saturday morning/afternoon/evening/Sunday morning.  What could possibly ruin cold beer, delicious pizza, and a sunny 'fall' day?

Oh son of a bitch what is this nonsense now? Akron? What is an Akron? Wait...the Zips? No...that can't be short for ZIPPER can it? Don't tell me a game between the Wolverines and Zips is CLOSE!
Oh my god you have to be kidding me is that A FUCKING ZIPPER ON YOUR HELMET!

You can't be serious in telling me that the iconic Winged Helmet is seriously struggling with a team whose mascot IS A FUCKING ZIPPER! and wait what's that on the helmet? A kangaroo? You're telling me that the animal you chose to represent a zipper...is a kangaroo? Accepting the shortened form "Zip," i think its safe to say that any animal chosen should be something really agile, or "zippy...something quick and shifty, right? Nope, a kangaroo.  The animal that jumps to places, and can't even jump backwards.  Sigh.

Well whatever, this is a team that hasn't won against a B1G team in 119 years (and it was Ohio State...how great is that?), and has won like 4 games the last 4 years, and hasn't won a road game in 5 years.  Brady Hoke hasn't lost at Michigan Stadium yet.  So I think it's safe to say...you can't be serious, right? That must be from the Onion, right? (nope, SI, but their reporting is just insulting to a profession that really doesn't require much intelligence or training or qualifications to begin with, so it might as well be the Onion).

Uhhh....uhhhhhh.....UHHHH GUYS WHATS HAPPENING SOMEONE HOLD ME THIS CAN'T BE REAL I'M GETTING PTSD FLASHBACKS TO THE EVENT-THAT-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED I HOPE NO ONE BRINGS THAT UP BECAUSE ITS GOING TO SEND ME INTO A FIT
OH YOU SON OF A BITCH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT OH YOU MOTHER FUCKER MARK SNYDER OHHHH MY GOD  DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT OH NO YOU DIDN'T WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE


I said there was good news.  I lied.  Well no, not really.  The good news is next time I return to El Blahgosphurr it probs won't be football related.  Well, not completely.  But one last thing:


Ladies and Gentleman, JOHNNY FUCKING FOOTBALL.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

If I had minions, the world would be fucked.

Seriously though there are times I'm honestly concerned about myself.  Like this morning, on my way to make #Octomon a reality...

Wait, what?

















This lady was selling TWO solid monitors for 15 bucks.  I'm definitely sure I could resell each of them for between 25-50 each, so this was a mega steal.  Plus factoring in that it was 15 bucks and 11 am, I was definitely confident it wasn't a heist operation where I get shanked and robbed.

But then I had the following thought about counterfeiting money and how to get away with it.  So obviously stores and banks and shit, they all use some basic test to confirm that its a real twenty.  However, some dude on craigslist doesn't give a flying fuck.  So as long as they're solid fakes, not necessarily solid enough to pass tough scrutiny (aka no need to go overboard in spending on printing presses and plates to create fake 20s) you could definitely just buy a shitton of stuff off craigslist, then resell it to other people.

Boom.  Done.  More or less pure profit.  Find a 600 dollar computer, roll up with a roll of 20s, dude doesnt give a fuck he'll just count, make sure there are 30 of em and give you your shit.

Then go back onto craigslist...sell it for, idk, 400-500? Some dude like me will be like "yo steal alert" and then give you real money (because i'm not a fucking criminal, just someone who specializes in...how to say this...expediting the 'free' process? Using technical loopholes? Whatever it is, not really a criminal. Speaking of which...found a cicis nearby #gameon), and all of a sudden you traded 600 fake dollars (actual value: 15 years in prison) for 400 real dollars (actual value: no prison time, $400).  Seems legit to me.

Regardless, I now have two more monitors.  Add this in the the other 2 monitors I already had, plus the Mac and ASUS, and the new Samsung, plus the shitty Dell that no one in my group misses...that's 4 monitors for 4 computers.

Now I need to go run matlab (literally don't know what to do with all these extra windows) to verify that 4 monitors + 4 monitors = 8 AND OH SHIT IT DOES #HERE #WE #GO
- email
- gedit for the C code i'm writing
- this blog window
- pandora
- espn
- extra internet window
- espn2
- ????


Bonus points to whoever remembers that ballin beat.

TL;DR:

#octomon?

YES

WE


DID

#GigEm

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

#somethingsneverchange

So its 145 am.  You may be saying "hey ashwin whatcha doing up at 145 in the damn morning" WELL I'LL TELL YOU.

WATCHING THE FUCKING SAN FUCKING DIEGO FUCKING ASSCLOWNS BLOW A 21 PT LEAD.  NOT ONLY DID WE LOSE ON A LAST SECOND FG, HOUSTON SCORED 24 UNANSWERED TO END THE GAME.


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What a colossal kick to the nuts.

Monday, September 9, 2013

These undergrads will be the death of me.

Ugh these pesky undergrads are (#)@)_!@*! killing me...driving through campus and trying to park is a damn nightmare any time before noon...its almost as if I'm not supposed to come to campus before noon, let alone 9 am...but I definitely and absolutely know that if I try to work at home this is exactly what will happen (and I know this based on this is what I've done every single day until now, because I've never really had to do work at home (i wanna say they have a word for this...i'm researching it as we speak) so until today it's never been a problem):

- wake up
- stumble into bathroom
- see I haven't shaved in 21 days, get incredibly terrified by the walking man-beast yeti sasquatch thing staring at me
- realize its me, have a chuckle
- wonder if i should shave
- stroke the wonderfully thick and lustrous beard
- decide not to
- forget to brush because my brain goes "we've been in here for like 10 minutes surely you brushed"
- leave
- stare at random shit on the internet for a while
- wonder why my mouth tastes like death
- remember I didn't brush
- go brush
- decide to eat breakfast
- open every cabinet in kitchen
- realize that yet again all i have is peanut butter, nutella, bread, cereal and waffles in terms of food, and then gatorade, milk and vanilla coke in terms of liquid.
- wonder if i should get something else
- realize that if i do nothing all do then i'll not burn calories thus precluding that caloric intake isn't necessary
- get really hungry 3 hours later
- clench teeth and proclaim to no one in particular "you will not beat me in a mind-game, stomach! I AM BETTER THAN YOU"
- eventually stomach concedes defeat
- at this point its roughly noon, the movie's done and i've been playing video games for like 3 hours

So yeah, this process will more or less repeat itself all day unless I come in to mein cubicle to work.


loooook what i found! :3

Here's a picture of Michigan State's superstar Gary Harris wearing a Maize Rage shirt:

Sing it with me Gar-bear!

HAIL TO THE VICTORS VALIANT
HAIL TO THE CONQUERING HEROES
HAIL HAIL TO MICHIGAN
THE LEADERS AND THE BEST!

HAIL TO THE VICTORS VALIANT
HAIL THE CONQUERING HEROES
HAIL HAIL TO MICHIGAN
THE CHAMPIONS OF THE (MID)WEST!



hahah he looks just like "omg guys really what is this izzo is gonna kill me if he sees this"

Monday, September 2, 2013

Just a friendly PSA that you all should take very seriously.

Because I'm a big fan of me, and I'd really rather not die.

If Mesut Ozil signs for Arsenal, around 11 am someone needs to call the Knoxville Police, specifically whatever alcohol poisoning wing they have, because I will definitely be throwing down the Guinness in celebration.

And if AW signs no one (using the old "getting players back from injuries is like a new signing" bullshit) someone needs to call the same alcohol poisoning wing because the day after Michigan lost the you know what to you know who was just a rough day in terms of not being able to eat all day and throwing up straight rum, and I don't want to deal with that shit again.  The obvious solution is to not care this much about Arsenal BUT THATS NOT EVER GONNA HAPPEN COME ON YOU GUNNERS!

ARSENE WENGER'S RED ARMY

LOOK AT THAT FACE



LOOK AT THAT GLORIOUS MUG

THAT VISAGE

THAT...COUNTENANCE

THAT PHYSIOGNOMY


mmmmmm.

The face that launched a thousand transfer requests #HelenOfTroy #ArseneOfLondon #StepoffBitch



GIROUD
GIROUD
GIROUD IS ON FIYAH








I will admit r/coys you didn't bitch out on the wager with r/Gunners.





Look at that shiny Arsenal crest!







Victoria Concordia Crescit








HE MAY BE CAST IN BRONZE, BUT HE'S STILL CAPABLE OF TRULY GOLDEN MOMENTS!







But seriously click on that Thierry Henry pic.  How's that for some friggin hi-res shit, eh?  I'm feeling nice so bonus Thierry Henry photo plus some free Lio Messi trash talk:



I can't...hear what Lio Messi is saying...I have a WORLD CUP stuck in my ears...










Oh I'm feeling extra happy about the spectacular NLD from earlier so here's another shot plus a poem!


ROSES ARE RED

VIOLETS ARE BLUE

ARSENAL FIVE

TOTTENHAM TWO









But seriously on that Mesut Ozil thing.  I'm a huge fan of Germany as well, as we all know, so I would just be tickled pink if anozza Germahn ver to joyn ze skvad vit Per und Poldi.

Ladies and Gents don't drink and blog.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Bunsenburner Calldispatch, at your service

http://benedictcumberbatchgenerator.tumblr.com

Oh what a satisfactory weekend

Shit started off Friday with a PicNuke (hahahahahahah i get it do you get it oh you don't get it well let me tell you the word is actually picnic and its the Nuclear Engineering department and Nuke sounds like Nic and god damn it I fucking hate the people in charge of UTNE's community activities wing #undergraduatesaresoannoying #mirite) anyway so the park we went to for this shindig was pretty chill - it had a river-y stream thing running through it.

But there was this sign, which basically said "NIGGAS DONT TOUCH THE WATER SHIT IS A BIOHAZARD CUZ WE PUMP ALL THE SEWAGE OF KNOXVILLE THROUGH THIS STREAM SO SHIT IS LIKE A SERIOUS DEAL DON'T #@($*)@@%)( TOUCH IT" so when homeboy from Texas tried to be Colt McCoy (well really more like Case, who sucks ass lololol #fuckyoumackbrown #boomersooner) and lofted the shit 20 feet above Idabro's (bro from UIdaho) head into the river we were literally like "well ok time to find a new ball aint nobody got time fer biopoisons"

So yeah then after that had a minipar-tayh with okie and sam and some other people they knew...all I know is I got drunk, then roughly at 4 in the morning I made the decision to drive home (no regrets...I had been not drinking alcohol for 4 hours, and had been pissing it out and drinking water so in all seriousness it was fine.  Calm your shit) but one of the other chicas I had just met was all like "no you shouldnt drive home" and I was like "if you think i'm still drunk because i'm acting like a moron its only because we haven't met sober and you haven't learned I do dumb shit sober too" but she was like supremely annoying about the whole thing and I really wanted to sleep in my bed at home so I basically had to do a little juke and run down the street before she could fully get up and stop me #innerathlete

It was pretty much this.  My brain shut down and I flew down the parking lot.  I'm legitimately sure only Whitey couldve caught up to me, but considering I'm like 80 lbs and a foot taller I wouldve thrown him off me like a Limp Bizkit.






So yeah that was enjoyable.  I also got my final piece of furniture so operation #quadmon is complete.  In fact...given that I just purchased a new work laptop since moving my Mac back and forth from campus to home is a just a terrible idea from a hardware structure perspective (bought a Samsung ATIV Ultrabook...shits tight...but windows 8 is...weird.  it takes some getting used to, no doubt.) so I might even get to create my new hashtag #Quintmon.  But as of right now I'm still working with #quadmon at home...hold on I took a photo with el itouch



We can see the TV on in the middle of #quadmon with the Cal game on, and the Mac on sleep in the far right, and in the bottom left corner (hard to see since there was no lighting on that portion of the table at 2 am) theres the Samsung.






So yeah then Saturday I just stayed home and watched football all day while finishing off all the food in my home.  it was excellent.  Saw some college gameday, watched Johnny Manziel act like a true douchebag (I'm all for taunting but when you literally just avoided being suspended for the entire season for selling your signature DONT FUCKING JOKE ABOUT IT AS SOON AS YOU GET ON THE FIELD), saw 'Cuse throw away a winnable game, saw MissSt just suck at life, watched State roll Skip Holtz, blinked and saw Tennessee score 42 first half points, saw Meeechigan start off the post denard era with a solid win, thrillingly enjoyed the Clemson-Georgia game which lived up to all of the fanfare associated with it for the last 8 months, saw Cal nearly pull off a stunner, saw the Mad Hatter up to his old tricks (can't believe I didn't trust LSU #perfectweek) and I'll be damned if Todd Gurley doesn't win the Heisman before he leaves ol #GloryGlory.

Oh and today was glorious.  NORTH LONDON IS RED.



ONE-NIL,

TO THE ARSENAL!

ONE-NIL,

TO THE ARSENAL!

ONE-NIL,

TO THE ARSENAL!

ONE-NIL!

TO THE ARSENAL!





















Wednesday, August 28, 2013

We're pooling our money together and renting a plane

and buying a shitton of 2012 dvds.  I mean the movie sucked outside of badass special effects, so it should be mad cheap to buy a couple hundred.
















Then we're quickly flying over the DMZ and dropping them all throughout North Korea.  Maybe we can pretend we're flying to China from Seoul? Yeah that seems like it would work.  I have a Korean guy, we can talk to him.  And my Uncle has been in and out of Pyongyang enough times that I think we can use him too as a back up "get-out-of-gulag-free" card.  Well, at least I can.

WHO'S WITH ME

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

As a Volunteer Wolverine, aka an element of the Wolfpack Set...

I think I'm qualified to do some football analysis (because a wolverine sounds like a wolf, and wolfpack inherently implies multiple wolves, and you can go fuck yourself whatever dickwad is gonna go Carolus Linnaeus up in here).  The League is by far a top3 fav show of mine, being "The Real Husbands Of Hollywood" and CBS' "Selection Show" (you can take me out of Tobacco Road, but I'll be damned before you take the Tobacco Road out of me), and as some of you know, I've been watching all of it for many reasons a) its fucking hilarious b) Ruxin and Raffi are my niggas c)idk football.  On that note, I'm torn.  To absolutely no one's surprise, I hate UNC.  And I LOVE watching Steve Spurrier lose.  Plus you all know my saying, "NORTH CAROLINA IS BEST CAROLINA" but that mainly extends to my house and the ten foot sphere of influence around me.  And never Chapel Hill.  Regardless, I'm rooting for USC_wrong.  #WelcomeToTheCockPit But seriously I love a good immature joke as much as the next guy but seriously youre the "Fighting Gamecocks"? Also, I want to use this time to note that everywhere across the country teams with "Indian" nicknames are subjected to scrutiny, but not Notre Dame.  They have laid claim to an entire country of angry drunk famine'd folk, and portray them has happy-go-lucky leprechauns.  Not to steal from the Stanford Band, but seriously no one else sees this?  But I suppose it makes sense that the catholics dehumanize Ireland as opposed to VC because lets be real Ireland is far more catholic than the Vatican.  At least they stopped attacking non-catholics, I'm pretty sure the IRA is still an active terrorist organization.  Whatever.

My point is I want to be like Arjun and make a video of weekly picks, but dear god I have some shame left in me, and I don't have that much hubris.  Okay well I do but god damn the man looked and sounded retarded.  Regardless, UNC is going to get shat on, Clemson is going to choke and Murray will lead dem Dawgs to a clutch victory, NC State will attempt to pull a Clemson but will accidentally not and end up beating LTU, The NotredameBroadcastingChannel will have some boringass game at an optimal time slot, the fighting Mike Leaches will crush Benny the War Eagle, CJ Mosley will eat whatever the VT's QB is named, Les Miles will rip out his own heart and give it to his stable of running backs late in the fourth to make sure the second best team in Texas doesn't get an upset, and Cal will end Northwestern's attempts to finally make the NCAA Tournament.  And on Labor Day Doak Campbell is making a 20+ trip north to Pittsburgh to welcome the "we-wish-it-was-1980" Panthers to the ACC in a very "we-wish-they-brought-lube" kind of way.

















Anyhoo I really wanted to analyze these various fantasy teams from The League.  Because I'm bored and literally have no work to do.

A fantasy football team consists of the following players, just for reference.

So Jenny has a solid QB, Mr. Rodgers, from...ummm...well some university in California.  Can't really remember the full name, but I'm fairly confident Johnny knows.  Ask him.  She also has a fantastic FIVE running backs, including the well-spelled Knowshon Moreno, who I'm pretty sure he got his name when his dad said to the mother "hey you know sean? it's a great name, dontcha think?"  She also seems to be missing some WR's.  But she did manage to score exactly 1 TE, a defense, and one kicker.  But seriously 5 running backs? what the fuck is going on.  Even Georgia Tech doesn't use that many RBs in a game.

Now Taco...Taco is missing a QB.  Even if football isn't your thing, I'm sure we can agree that you kinda need a QB.  But apart from that, as we go down the list we see that Taco has a surprisingly decent team.  He has 2 RBs plus some depth (one could say he technically has the Best running back...hey Johnny remind me where Mr. 6 ypc went to school?).  But then you see this nig has FOUR FUCKING KICKERS.  Not only that, but 3 of them suck, and the fourth I fucking hate.  But regardless, a third of this dude's team is literally special.  Oh god what a team.  This isn't fucking soccer, you don't need 3 people standing over the ball all debating how to take the free kick "well I want to aim for the post" "well I want you to lay it off for me" "well I want you to run over it and fake that so i can draw the goalie in and then cross it over to the far post" NO THIS IS FOOTBALL YOU KICK THE SHIT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS THATS FUCKING IT.  THERE'S NO ()#@$*#)!$(*% STRATEGY JUST KICK THE DAMN THING.

Similarly we see that Kevin has a plethora of Quarterbacks.  Similarly, there's only really one QB on the field at any given time...so don't go giving Chip Kelly and RichRod retarded ideas to start using involving Kevin's 3 QBs and Tacos 4 kickers.  That will just turn into Rugby, especially when you mix in Jenny's half a dozen RB situation.

Can't really see Pete's team, but we can see that he has two defenses.  Now even if you have never seen a football game before, I think we can conclude THAT AT ANY GIVEN POINT ONLY ONE DEFENSE IS ON THE FIELD.  Never does a coach receive the kickoff and think "heheheh if we send out our defense the other team will be SO confused" "yes you wannabe trickster they will be confused for about a second before you have champ bailey play QB and the other team just abuses youre retardedness"

Somehow Chuck has a good team, in terms of both quality and legality.  Actually....that's a real good team.  Drew Brees is a stat machine, well the RBs could be better but Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson? And Green Bay's defense? Yikes Chuck has a team.

But Ted.  Ted...Ted Ted Ted.  What happened? You didn't even bother drafted 2/3 of the football team.  It's one thing to joke "oh shit our team has a super offense but no defense...we can only win shootouts haha" well, sherlock, its a completely different thing to NOT EVEN HAVE A _#@$*)#( DEFENSE.  And kicker? nah those PATs and KOs are fucking optional.  Whatever.

Plus all these people have teams of different sizes. Taco has 13 players and Ted has 6.  God I love this show.


As I've established, I legitimately don't have work to do yet, until I get some software from Oak Ridge and a facility walkthrough next week...and my professor is out of town in the Czech Republic doing...well doing something.  he sent us a photo from a reactor so I assume its academic.  But regardless not going to class tomorrow so basically one more class till fubhaaaaw is back.  Yaaaaaaay!





Sunday, August 25, 2013

This state is friggin weird

So this morning, around 7, this chick comes and rings my doorbell about half a dozen times.  I went and answered, not realizing that a) I know no one here b) who would ring my door at 7...if something were serious they'd call.  I should've just ignored that shit.

But no, I answered it.  And this chick is having a panic attack on my front porch trying to stare into my bedroom window.  She comes up and asks me if I've seen a white dude living in my apartment.

...
...
...

Um, what? OH you mean this dude living in my pantry....ohhhh yeah that makes sense.  So anyway she starts explaining she's looking for some white dude...and he drives a blue car and she started pointing at an empty spot going "that's where he parks" and all I'm thinking is "yes that's a parking spot very good white trash that would be an acceptable location for him to park" and she starts going on about how she's very hungry and lonely and he's got all her shit in his trunk and I'm going "this is why we don't answer the door at 7 am on sundays."

In the end I said "lemme go get my phone" and then I closed and locked the door and found a bigass pot and sat by the door in case she tried some funny business for about 20 minutes before going back to bed.  If this shit had happened in 2 in the afternoon I probably would've been at the peak of my game, but it was 7 fucking am...even JC and the Sunshine Band isn't up yet for the church service.  So yeah that was weird.  I'm pretty afraid she's gonna see my blue car and go white trash-apeshit on it for the sole reason that it's blue.

Friday, August 23, 2013

You know, it's possible to NOT ruin a child's life at birth

Like seriously parents get your shit together with the naming of the lil'uns.  You give them weird-ass names, and I'm pretty sure had I run into any of them in elementary school/weren't terrified of the ghetto neighborhoods around said elementary school I would have mercilessly abused them.  Well no I take that back, LaMonday was my bff in 4th grade.  She was pretty chill.  Regardless, the point is there's nothing wrong with a solid name like "Fred" or "Thomas" there's no need to add about a dozen unnecessary letters that constitute prepositions and identifiers in other languages, like "La" "Le" "De" or other dumb shit like that.  Or just take a scrabble gameset, take the 7 letters you start with and try to make a name.  That's how shit like Monzaqa happens. Or use alphabet soup "hey this is my son abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" "nigga dafuq that's the whole alphabet you lazy shit"

Also, don't name your kid after a place.  "Caroline" is fine because that's a name, but "India"? No.  "India" is not the name of a human.  I know this, because before 1947, none of the black people named "India" had ever heard of "India" and even then it probably took longer than that.  How would you like it if my child was named "Mozambique" or "Timbuktu" or whoops found a gem "Lake Titicaca".

Everyone's in a fit about that kid being named "Messiah" which I find hilarious because every hispanic not named "Carlos" "Luis" or "Juan" is named "Jesus", which I'm pretty sure is worse, because at least "Messiah" is religion-neutral whereas "Hay-zeus" not only is spelled like the JC man, the pronunciation brings the Greek old boy Zeus in, and I'm pretty sure the wrath of Zeus actually killed like a shitton of Greeks.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_people_did_Zeus_kill

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_people_did_Zeus_rape

Oh and I feel like I learned somewhere that "Muhammad" is the world's most common name.  And it also seems like Islam has the most visibly angry people (am I wrong, Bassil?), soooo...yeah.  Some of you folks with a better understanding of world history (so mainly Bassil I guess) may try to poke some holes at Hinduism and try to be like "Ashwin you got some crazies up in there too yaknow don't be biased" so fair enough I'm going to list every terrorism-y thing Hindus have done outside of India:






So yeah, I don't hate on hindu extremists because we keep the anger and terrorism in-house.  We're polite like that.  We killed Gandhi, we attacked the Golden Temple in 1984, etc etc.  We're like black people: if we have an argument, we won't involve yall in it.  The only difference is if you try to get involved, gangsters will shoot you too, whereas we'll sell you some spices, cotton and tech support to get you out of the way.

Regardless so apparently my apartment complex was replacing the entire sink unit in my bathroom, which is fine and all, except homeboy had a 'family emergency' before he could finish and now I have no water in my bathroom.  Look, unless your wife immediately went into labor, whatever the fuck happened can wait the extra minute or so it takes to put the faucets back in and connect the shit up, asshole.  If someone died, guess what, they're still gonna be dead a minute from now, and getting there at 5:33 instead of 5:29 aint gonna bring them back.  And if someone's in the hospital...you're clearly not a doctor, so your presence 3 minutes later isn't gonna to affect their broken leg situation.


UGH.

Anyhoo, I'm debating ways to jerryrig my bathoom so that when he opens the door the tiny allen wrenches that came with my furniture swing in and puncture his eardrums...until next time, gathedos! Ashwin, OUT.

Dis gun be gud

So I have a pretty solid master's project, which basically involves me doing a shitton of calculations and math and stuff about radiation protection and shielding for a 14 MeV neutron generator (which also serves as a neutron accelerator, but the day this blog turns into me thinking more about work is the day we stop blogging...).  It's pretty awesome, but the best part is so far he hasn't given me anything to do.  Like, at all.  Nothing to read, nothing to learn, just some vague codes I have to obtain at some point.  The only thing I have going on is a meeting to go on a walkthrough of the facility on September 3rd.  So yeah I don't have anything to do at all for a while.

:D

This is fucking excellent.