Today has been brought to you by the letter "D"

That's "D," as in "David Spade is fucking hilarious"
Or "D" as in "David Spade is a hero"
Or "D" as in "David Spade is 5'7" so he's still taller than a certain white male I lived with for three years"
Or "D" as in "David Spade's TV show 'Rules of Engagement' is the only reason I look forward to tomorrow"
Or "D" as in "David Spade couldn't spell 'guetapens'"
Or "D" as in "Dictionaries have a lot of silly words in them, like 'guetapens'"
Or "D" as in "Damn blog doesn't recognize 'guetapens' as a real word HAHAHAHA"

So yeah, I love me some David Spade.  He's been promoted to the level only Ludacris, Jessica Alba, Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson had previously reached.

And as always..."D" is for "Detroit sucks."

Stay in school, kids.  It's possible to succeed without actually doing anything.  I tried to take some notes today, and my handwriting was worse than usual, and I was confused.  And being Ashwin, this was far more interesting than anything else going on in my life, so I put Steve and Blue to work, and they found a solution.  It's literally been like a month since I had to write anything down, so my fingers had forgotten how to hold a pencil.  Apparently I have the muscle memory of...

Okay so i just googled "things with short muscle memory" since I have no idea what sort of animal has short muscle memory, and apparently every single page on the internet on this topic states that "muscles don't store memories."

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HEALTH FACTOID OF EL DAY-O: Muscles don't store memories.

And Ashwin parle la spanish muy bueno.

If the house is rockin'...

yo don't bother knocking just call 911 something went seriously wrong.


Anyhoo, so I was watching some Indian Spelling Bee last night...didn't know white people could qualify! Look at y'all coming through for some diversity in that competition!  Maybe some day y'all (thats y-a-l-l, plural noun, origin latin through german through french through english through wales back to english back to france over to maryland south to virginia down to alabama and mississippi and then all throughout the southern united states, in a sentence: "next one of yall who asks the same damn questions over and over again gets my foot up their ass") can even win it!  On the serious, that's like 6 straight and 11 out of 15.  And over at the other top middle school competition, the Indian Geographic Bee (hosted by Canada's top export since Steve Nash), this the list of the 10 finalists:

• Tuvya Bergson-Michelson, California
• Pranit Nanda, Colorado INDIA
• Ricky Uppaluri, Georgia INDIA (yup even lil Ricky is from El Subcontinento)
• Conrad Oberhaus, Illinois
• Sathwik Karnik, Massachusetts INDIA
• Neha Middela, Michigan INDIA
• Neelam Sandhu, New Hampshire INDIA
• Harish Palani, Oregon INDIA
• Akhil Rekulapelli, Virginia INDIA
• Asha Jain, Wisconsin INDIA

I'm no analysisizing expert, so I'll let my boy Buzz summarize it best: http://qkme.me/3unts8

Some other general thoughts on the Bee:

- My dad is absolutely great at ripping on people.  I have no idea how you shit all over someone with that much understanding of the English language, especially at such a young age, but he managed to do it.  I'm kind of proud of him right now.  But this is the same man who called baseball "a godforsaken shitty sport that makes no sense and is so boring they had to incorporate a stretching session" so...actually, no, I agree.  He's right.

- ESPN needs to bring in the A-Squad for this! Gimme like 2 hours of pregame coverage with Dick Vitale, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit and Jay Bilas.  All the pre-game events: halfcourt shot while spelling some ridiculous word that means "half-court shot that gently bounces off the backboard, kissing the rim and then proceeds to agonizingly fall out"...and then you could have Lee put on blackface and makeup and be INCREDIBLY racist about who he thought was gonna win...send in the sideline reporters to talk to coaches and parents about some stupid detail about their kid's life that made them SURE they were destined for academic greatness...Nissan could have commercials during this about the "Spelling Bee House" where Heisman Trophy Winners still live and do their thing, but the little kids are their adopted offspring and it turns into a Full House type of situation, only EVERY living Heisman winner is allowed so crazy OJ Simpson is brought back, and Eric Couch and Tim Tebow have something to do other than be terribly useless (yet super-athletic) contributions to society.

And then play-by-play bring in Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery. 

http://www.gusjohnsongetsbuckets.com/

Just let that sink in.  ARE YOU SERIOUS? I WOULD PAY-PER-VIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THAT.

Gus Johnson: "HI EVERYBODY, I'M GUS JOHNSON, and this is the 2012 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee."

Dr. Bailey: "Spell guetapen"

Bill Raftery: "That's a tough word, Gus, but I have NIMMITZET"

Gus: "RISE AND FIIIIIIRRRREEEEEEEE..."

Indian: "Can I have the-"

Gus: "TO THE BAS-DICTIONARRYYYYYYY...!!"

Indian: "partofspeech partofphrase partofcontext useitinasentence languageoforigin isitfromthegreece"gofuckyourself" isitfromtheebonics"niggahellifiiknow" damn it bailey just spell it for me"

Gus: "HERE COMES THE PAINNNNNN"

Bill: "That's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off"

Bailey: "Uh no, I can't"

Gus: "OHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHH ohhhhhh..."

Bill: "SPELL IT OUT, BIG FELLA!"

Indian: "guetapen g-u-e-t-a-p-e-n guetapen"

No obnoxious "ding"

Gus: "PUT A LITTLE ENGLISH ON IT!"

All 3: "campione, campione, woah ohh ohh! campione, campione, woah ohhhh ohhhh oh!"

Clip from Jimmy V: "EVERY SINGLE DAY...IN EVERY WALK OF LIFE....ORDINARY PEOPLE ACCOMPLISH EXTRAORDINARY THINGS...ORDINARY PEOPLE DO EXTRAORDINARY THINGS!"

Confetti falls, everyone rushes the stage, and ESPN cuts to "One Shining Moment."

Uh, yeah.   Shit would be fantastic.

If I had a twitter it'd basically be this anyway, so #watever

#yoloswaggins reportin' for duty!

Found my spirit animal.

I'm baaaaaack...

Yup taking another stab at the blog thang...seemed entertaining enough last time, plus it gives me a chance to talk to myself without having to actually talk to myself.  Because, let's be real, talking to me is an odd experience.  Even if I am my #1 fan.

Which would conceivably make it a fun thing to get to talk to me! BECAUSE I GET TO TALK TO ME! So in theory this would be something to look forward to! Because I like me.  So it would be like going to a book-signing to see your favorite author.  Except that "favorite author" is me.  But it's alright, because I'm going, and you're not going.  Well, I mean, you could come.  But it's a blog, so I really wouldn't even notice you're here.  I'd only notice that I'm here.  But of course I'm here, it's MY damn book-signing.  But similarly, of COURSE I'm here, who else would come to a book-signing by me?