The Indian In The Cupboard: July 2013

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

nig u dont even understand a single thing

http://imgur.com/gallery/GhFyYmb

Dont even try to play me with dual monitor son...until you go quadmon you dont know a goddamn thing.

#QUADMON

I tried looking for a picture i had of #QuadMon but unfortunately i think they're all on mein ozza computah so oh well.

But seriously dualmon is absolutely pathetic compared to the raw display powers of #QuadMon.

ALL PRAISE #QUADMON There is only one God and #QuadMon is his prophet

na na na na na na na na #QUAD-MON!

#QuadMon is it in you?

Moral Monday...Thankful Tuesday...WANKAH WEHDNESDAIH

MLS All-Star game tonight against AS Roma, which could be a good game, but all that matters is Thierry Henry is playing. Man I love Thierry Henry.

But before this whole post gets sidetracked by Mr Va-va-voom, let's deal with today's most pressing issues.

Crap damnit I just spent like 20 minutes watching Thierry Henry highlights. #whatever #standupspeakup

Also is this seriously a thing http://denver.cbslocal.com/2013/07/09/effort-to-create-new-state-called-north-colorado-grows/ maybe this is why marijuana is illegal you fucking druggies. #thisisdefinitelywhywecan'thavenicethings

Dear Amy: I recently published my first book. Although it is fiction, a lot of the events and c haracters are based on my real-life experiences and the main character is based on me (though her actions are very different from mine).

I wrote the book under a pen name because I was afraid of negative feedback, but I told a few friends who I thought I could trust.

One of these friends, however, does not like the way I portrayed a character that I loosely based on her.

Instead of coming to me with her concerns (in a phone call or an email) she has written an online review that is more of a personal attack on me than a review of my book.

She has accused me of "viciously attacking" her, of "not being over my jealousy of her," and "needing counseling."

None of this is true.

My editor says that I shouldn't have to defend my work and that I should not respond and risk my reputation as a writer. I am, however, sad that I may have lost, and definitely damaged, this friendship. What, if anything, would be the best way to approach her? — Writer

Dear JK Rowling,

You don't need to hide behind a pen name! We know who you are...yeah your book sucked, but your name alone should allow you to milk millions out of consumers before they realize that! So who cares what your "friend" think, you can make millions writing some shitty book for each demographic, make millions and buy new friends! Hell you can rent my friendship services for like 5000 down 139 a month for 36 months (that nissan commercial yesterday looked dope)! You can paint me as beelzebub-meets-sandusky-plus-hitler and i won't give a shit! It's called fiction for a reason (plus I seriously don't give a shit #seriousoffer #callme #SouthernStatesNissan). But wow I gotta admit its hilarious that someone would think a published author is "jealous" of her...bitch go write your own book. It sounds like she's just pissed because...actually who knows she's a woman for all I know she's pissed because Pluto isn't a planet anymore. And I absolutely LOVE that people make fun of NASA about it, as if they had remotely anything at all to do with Pluto being downgraded to dwarf-planet (let's be real its just a hunk of boring rock...no interesting gaseous properties at all...who actually gives a shit. Besides if NASA named every TNO a friggin planet the solar system would have millions of planets and if everyone is a planet then no one is a planet). Anyway you should be like bitch erethang aint bout you and then smack her upside the head with a pot and say "did this happen to (character she thinks is a ripoff of her) in the book? HUH? DID IT?" and for good measure hit her again.

Dear Amy: I'm a single mom in a serious relationship with a guy for almost three years. He's very caring and honest. I know he loves me a lot. He loves my daughter, too.

The problem is that he lives with his parents one hour away, and we only see each other once a week.

When we first met, he made a promise to me that after a year, if our relationship works out, we will get married. After two years I asked him about marriage, and he said he's not ready. We didn't talk for a whole month after that.

He is from a different background and religion, and his family controls him.

His family doesn't know about me. He's too scared to tell his parents about us. What should I do? — N

Dear what could be any Indian or ~~terrorist~~ Middle Eastern person (hahaha #bassil #lololol #yeraterrorist,'arry),

Ummmm...hmmmm...idk...we could try fucking communicating our concerns? Yeah let's try that out and see what happens:

situation 1: it goes well. #whoopdedoo #fuckyou #fuckyourhappiness #ihopegeorgerrmartinkillswhoeveryoulovemost

situation 2: it doesnt go well #huzzah #thereisagod #noi'mnotangry #nope #notatall

subsituation A: he has to break up with you #partyrockisinthehousetonight #erebodyjusthaveagoodtime

subsituation B: he defies his parents' will, breaks free of their ~~Israeli~~ control, and everyone lives happily ever after #fuck #ihatethisgame #ughwhere'slemonysnicketwhenyouneedhim

subsituation C: he tries to defy his parents' will, it kind of works kind of doesn't, and now you've totally screwed up your daughter's understanding of how parenting and the real world works #soshe'sbasicallyasiannow #mightaswelleatthepetdog #racism #standupspeakup

subsituation D: note, this is most likely - it doesn't work, shit ends, and his PLO-based family uses their Hamas government and fucking bombs your entire neighborhood, before sending in suicide bombers to blow everything else to hell, and now you have an entire religious sect that hates America and white people just because "someone wanted to get married" #ihopeyou'rehappy #9/11isonyourhands #tradedpersonalhappinessfor9/11 #whatswrongwithyou #youwhore #ihopeyourotinhell #neverforget

In conclusion, don't have a child out of wedlock you slut. This is all your fault, and I'll shower your daughter in change when I run into her in like 10-15 years because you raised your daughter like a terrible human being.

for the love of god arsene wenger #signsomeone #FreeANYONE #ANYONEATALL #IDONTEVENCAREWHOATTHISPOINT

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Our banner, gold and blue, the symbol on it too, means FIGHT! For California, for California through and through

Sharing Is Caring #TBPforPOTUS2016

I'm sure many of you wonder "hey ashwin what's your biggest regret" in the hopes that I'll say something along the lines of "man that time I insulted (insert person of choice)...wish I hadn't done that" but I'm here to tell you my biggest regret is voting for McCrory. I'm SO pissed about that. He seemed like a good feller during the campaigns (a trap, I know, but Bev Purdue was CLEARLY a first-rate moron after her 4 years), but now I've concluded he and his party of "outsiders" (or are they insiders? who knows...isn't Thom Tillis from Florida? *googles* yup he's from Florida, went to school at UMd...wow he comes from UMd to ACC country and has the audacity to refer to actual NC natives as 'outsiders' holy fuck. The Democrat party may also not know how to solve problems, but at least they contain their dumbness to governmental buildings #ireallyhateallofyourightnow #nonotyouthereader #youthepolitician #yeahyou #heyNSA #ihateyou #whatchugoindoboutit #comeatmebro #fuckyouNSA #ed-ward-snow-den #clap-clap-clapclapclap)

Also I found this shirt online...

...and all I could think of was some sort of creepy dude going "Rivers...he knows...you know what I mean...Rivers? he knooooows..." in a very human-trafficking-creepy kind of way, which was ironic and weird given the huge FBI bust over the weekend (hey the FBI does good things! huzzah!) #Chargers #AFCWestChamps

Anyhoo, on to today's pressing questions of utmost importance that I would never ever mock due to the unfortunate mental fragility of the askers:

Dear Amy: Recently, my brother was hospitalized for a serious mental health issue. My sister is an avid social media user. She was all over her social media accounts, sharing the details, which were very unpleasant. She "tagged" his name in posts.

I felt she violated his privacy and told her so. She says she is bringing attention to an important mental health issue. My feeling is that should be my brother's choice and he is currently in no shape to make a choice. We're at an impasse and wonder about your thoughts? — Private Sister

Dear your sister is an attention whore,

Wow that's just pathetic. Surely there are easier ways to get random strangers to comment on you and your family...maybe she should post some boobies. That would probably work as a method to quickly gain internet attention, instead of using ze bruda like this...also I'm pretty sure doesn't he have to consent to shit like this? And it seems to me, someone who isn't a doctor but looks like one so that qualifies me more than you to comment on this #racism #i'mnottrayvonmartin, that he is incapable of agreeing to this social media blitz and glamour...I think you should stab your sister, and then put her injuries on twitter and facebook and pintrest and myspace and linkedin and tumblr and yelp and see if she likes it. If she does...well it backfired but you got to stab her so there's that...and if she doesn't well huzzah #solvedafuckingproblemjoe #letsbreakoutthehennessy #allthewaydownfromheretotennessee

Dear Amy: Fifteen years ago my wife fell in love with a married man.

We went to see a marriage counselor but it didn't make any difference. Our kids were quite young at the time and instead of getting a divorce, I decided to stay in the marriage. My kids were involved in religious activities and sports teams, which they would've missed out on because my wife isn't religious or into sports.

I don't believe my wife is in love with the other man anymore, but she's not in love with me either. She doesn't really like doing anything with me (like going to a movie or out to dinner, etc.), and if we do go out with one of the kids, she treats me like a third wheel.

Our youngest daughter recently graduated from high school, and now I'm considering getting a divorce.

I love my wife but don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I know I'm going to have to talk to my kids about the divorce but what would do you recommend I tell my kids — other than that I love them very much? — Sad Dad

Dear Did It For Teh ~~Lulz~~ Children,

Hey maybe you're married to the other whore from the previous letter! #nosuchthingasacoincidence I say you ditch her Hester Prynne ass and boot that slut to the door...you suffered a lot more for your chirren than need be (which seems to have had an obvious effect given the 'religious' and 'sport' interests they wouldve only inherited from your presence) and now you should do the decidedly un-christian thing and get a divorce! #yolo #keepemontheirtoes She doesn't love you, she fell in love with some other married man...hey I got it! Call up the other married dude, find his wife, get a trade! maybe you can throw in some ~~children~~ I mean draft picks into the deal to sweeten it up, and bazam you got yourself a brand new wife! Or you could just activate the morality clause in your marriage deal and boot The Good Wife out the door without incurring any luxury tax #sportsmetaphors...or just staple a gigantic red "A" to her face and kick her in the uterus. It'll be hard to verify if you got it on your first kick, so keep going. If she presses charges we'll find Johnny Cochran and Chris Brown can be a character witness. As for the children...as long as you keep spoiling them they don't give two shits about this whole situation.

Dear Amy: I loved your quote to the woman who wanted to dance ("She who dances most wins").

I keep a book filled with interesting quotes that I vainly drop into conversations now and then, and you're in it.

If your career ever goes to pot and you wind up living on the streets in an old refrigerator box, you'll have the comfort of knowing that you've gone down in posterity? — A Fan

Dear wow that escalated quickly #wtf #whosaysshitlikethat,

Let's ignore the quote for now and get back to your actual message...what the fuck man...I realize that there is literally no skill attached to this job, and I have no actual value as far as talent goes...but wow this was just mean...no need to discuss this "career" going south and resulting in homelessness...yeesh. But there is the super-silver-almost-gold lining of being in your quote book! What the fuck...what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck...you're some random person, and you expect me to give a shit (note: i barely do now, but you expect me to once I'm HOMELESS? Look you egotistical banana fruitcake, you could be the goddamn pope and I don't care if youre quoting me I'M HOMELESS GIVE ME A MCCHICKEN AND SOME FRIES AND A FUCKING SHELTER YOU TWATNUGGET) about the fact that youre quoting me? WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DO-CUNTBASKET. I hate you, your family, and I hope you die in a horrible zyklon b-esque manner. Fucking "have the comfort of knowing you've gone down in posterity" man fuck you. If I ever meet a guy named "Fan"...

Now about that quote...if the quote had been "he who dances most wins" feminists and feminazis all over the world would have been up in arms about the blatant sexism and bias in this quote, but all of a sudden we thrown an 's' in that piece and all be good. gotta love double standards, mirite? If I got some bros all riled up about this, femibitches wouldve been all over this about how it doesn't really mean "she" just means some random person, etc etc trying to defend this with rational arguments but take that 's' out and all of the sudden its gendercaust 2.0...ugh america its shit like this. Between trivial gender problems and the trayvon martin circus...people miss important issues, like 70+ youth dying in chicago in one weekend, or the GIGANTIC HUMAN TRAFFICKING PROBLEMS THIS COUNTRY STILL HAS. FUCK.

Anyway, "she who dances most wins"...fuck that. I can dance if I want to. Heck, I'll leave my friends behind if I have to. Cuz my friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well shoot, they're no friends of mine. Fuck this, I can go where I want to, a place you'll never find, and as a result act like we're out of this world leaving your nondancing one far behind.

S-SSSS

A-AAAA

F-FFFF

E-EEEE

T-TTTT

Y-YYYY

SAFE...TY DANCE!

pew pew pew papew pew pew pew

WE CAN GO WHERE WE WANT TO

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG AND SO AM I

AND WE CAN DRESS REAL NEAT FROM OUR HANDS TO OUR FEET

AND SURPRISE'EM WITH A VICTORY CRY

WE CAN ACT IF WE WANT TO,

IF WE DONT NOBODY WILL

AND YOU CAN ACT REAL RUDE AND TOTALLY REMOVED

AND I CAN ACT LIKE AN IMBECILE

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

WE'RE DOIN IT FROM WALL TO WALL

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

EREBODY LOOK AT YO HANDS

WE CAN DANCE WE CAN DANCE

EREBODYS TAKIN THE CHA-AAAA-ANNNNCEE!

woo that was fun...what was the question? Don't really remember, but it's probably accurate anyway so I'll close with hey whatshisface go stfu and solve it yourself like a big boy.

#FreeSuarez #spendsomefuckingmoneyarsenal

Monday, July 29, 2013

We're the An-iman-iacs!

YouTube is a friggin wonderful thing. And also, Mr. Hairston, maybe when you move on to the NBA you can get Jay-Z to be your sports agent...you wuz doin ~~55 in a 54~~ 93 in a 65

And holla at Brek Shea for achieving supersub status with your best Nani imitation. That ball was definitely going in, but fuck it let's risk the chance I was offsides and smash it in anyway. Luckily for Landon 'Rogaine" Donovan you weren't, but oy vy that's the name of the game.

Dear Amy: I am worried that my husband of 20 years is gay and will eventually divorce me. We have three children. We both want a stable family life, but I just can't help thinking that our lackluster marriage will eventually end.

I have no proof of any homosexual thoughts/actions, but my husband has been growing ever more distant over the years. I have voiced suspicions of his orientation at times (he has several gay family members), but he denies it.

Intimacy always has to be initiated by him, and it may only occur once or twice a month. We have been to marriage counseling, but we made no progress.

The main problem for me is the lack of affection or real devotion from him. It seems he prefers to avoid me by working late hours and always going to bed later than I do.

We both cope by pretending there are no issues but I am afraid he may jump the gun and divorce me. He is a hardworking, nice guy (to everyone) so he is not unbearable. I only work part time and cannot support myself at this time. Please tell me if there is something I should be doing.

— Worried Wife

Dear This Can Only End Well,

Man you are a woman aren't you. You have "no proof of any homosexual thoughts/actions" but you think that he's gay anyway. What kind of thought process is this? "Well Smith we have no proof he did anything" "DAMNIT JOHNSON I DONT HAVE TIME FOR 'PROOF' THE MUFACKA IS GUILTY!" Once again, try communication (tots different from excommunication, btdubs...which does sound like the conversation you would have with a former husband, on a funny side note #hey-o). Talk to the bruh and figure out what's bothering him. For a gender that loves to fucking talk yall have some SERIOUS TROUBLE talking when it matters. God damn.

Dear Amy: I'm 20 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for five years. We are planning on getting married once we both finish school. I'm currently living with my parents so I can pay for school. My sister "Mary" is 16; she is an aggressive person and knows how to irritate a person to the point that things blow up. She is my mother's baby and has always gotten away with her behavior.

My boyfriend also has a quick temper and gets irritated with her treating me badly. After a huge screaming match my boyfriend decided he no longer wants to be around her, including holidays and family vacations. I feel like I'm being forced to choose family or the man I plan on spending my life with.

I know I'm young but I love him and my family loves him. I've communicated to my sister and boyfriend that there needs to be a change in the way we interact. Both tell me that it'll never happen and there is no point in trying. What do I do?

— Sad

Dear Hey someone tried communicating!,

Not sure how Mary getting away with her behavior is relevant (unless you think Mommy should administer some slappy-slap, which with you white folk I always agree is necessary), but that's alright, it appears youre just venting. Now you tried talking to both of them, which is usually what I beat-around-the-bush to, so we're gonna have to try something new here...hmmmmm...let's see...now I am a decent player at head-games, so I have some advice. Don't let either one dictate your actions, otherwise you concede your authority to them. Your boyfriend seems to like the rest of your family, and vice versa, so that works out. You could just turn the tables and become a bitch to your sister's friends, but perhaps that's what you're alluding to when you state she gets away with shit. Hmmm hmmm hmm. Personally I'd say screw all of you guys I'm leaving, but I'm thinking you're too family lovey-dovey weak-willed like that. I'd just tell them both to not talk to each other (excommunicate! ahahahahah). If you let your sister ruin your relationship with the fam, you're letting her control you. And the bf with the sister, you're letting him control you. Neither seems particularly beneficial to you. So I say just tell them both to not interact in any humanly way when they're near each other. Idk tell the sister to fuck off who gives a shit about her she sounds like a turrible person anyway. Or idk talk to your parents? Gah fuck I don't care what happens here do whatever

Dear Amy: I had to laugh out loud when I read the letter from "Under Pressure in D.C", whose 3-year-old son carried his blanket around!

I'm 55 years old and still have my blanket. It has been repaired by my grandma, borrowed by friends who faced crises, traveled Europe and Mexico, and celebrates with me on my birthday.

My blanket is a tattered wreck now, but I intend to frame it with a little hammer to break the glass in case of emergency!

— Blanketed in Seattle

Dear you shithead of a human,

Normally I don't consult Amy because she says dumb things in her responses, but I HAD to know what she said to this: "I find these testimonials to 'blankie' heartwarming." Now if you're freakign four and have a security blanket sure I can follow that...you're 4. If you're, oh, I don't know, A FUCKING ADULT WHO HAS ADULT PROBLEMS BECAUSE HE'S A #@)$(@#!@)(#@$()@*!@#*#*( ADULT, the fact that you have a blanket is downright pathetic! What is it supposed to symbolize? Your lost youth? Are you so shitty/your problems so hard that you have to sit and pretend life is all better and someone is magically fixing your problems? You know that doesn't do anything? Mickey isn't gonna come and poof the shit away.

ugh now i'm just fucking pissed off at america ughhh lemme just go cry about it to my fucking blankie waaah waaah waaaaaah #onlyamericacouldhavethisproblem

something positive to end this on, because i'm so angry right now and Riley is absolutely hilarious

Sunday, July 28, 2013

GO GO USA

Dear Amy: My very nonreligious (raised Jewish) husband and his son recently decided they want my husband to perform the ceremony at his son's wedding. So my husband went online, filled out a form, paid a fee and now he is apparently an ordained minister and can marry people.

He heard that sometimes clergy members are upgraded to first class on airplanes. He went online and bought several shirts with clerical collars and is planning to wear them on the plane when he flies in the hope that he will get an upgrade.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I thought that it is Christian clergy that wear clerical collars.

For the last 20 years I can't tell you how many times my husband has made disparaging remarks about Christians. I find this whole thing with the collars and upgrade to be highly unethical, and I think he is trying to present himself as something he's not.

What do you think? — Disgusted

Dear Once You're Jewish You Never Go Back,

Oh my god this is absolutely adorable. I don't even know what to say to this. Oh wow...this is priceless. If anyone ever complains about Jewish stereotypes, I DEFINITELY know what I'm shoving in their face. Holy cow this is free-mongering to a whole new level. Also, how is free upgrades for religious clergy a thing? That's not a thing. What part of you would think that's a thing? Why would an airline even think about bringing this lawsuit-waiting-to-happen upon themselves? Wow. This is just...wow. I'm pretty sure I'm disgusted right now, and as Big Sam once said, "if it disgusts Ashwin it must be disturbing" so Mr. Chanukkah you are seriously one fucked up dude.

Dear Amy: My husband of 10 years still wears his old wedding ring on his right hand. He wears his wedding ring from our marriage on his left. He says he just likes the old one and it feels good.

I've asked him several times throughout the years to take it off because he's no longer married to that woman. That marriage ended on a bad note since she was unfaithful, and he hasn't seen her in several years. What else can I do to get him to take the ring off and leave it off? — Hurt Wife

Dear Mrs. Waaah Waaah,

Idk its like you don't even get guys. If he says he's wearing it because it feels good, that's literally it. That's his only thoughts on the matter. Let me illustrate his logical cognitive process: "oh yo i still got this ring lemme throw it on lololol" "yoooo it feels good! i like this! imma keep wearin it!" END SCENE. Or you could, you know, talk to him about it? Idk i feel like couples do that whole 'communication' thing? Or is that too hard? Man idk what will happen if people with serious problems ask Amy something (like that above dude...I literally would just smack him with a Torah...its not even like he'd recognize it anyway)...90% of these problems are solved by just talking to the dumbass you're married to anyway. Oy Vey.

These questions weren't that interesting unfortunately. Well the first one was...I'm literally flabbergasted that people would stoop to that. Holy Messi that's alarming. OH MY GOD HE SHOULD DO THAT ON EL AL AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN I WANT TO DO THAT brbs going to ebay and buying some pope halloween gear and a ticket to Tel Aviv (one-way of course #yolo)

#FreeSuarez #WalkAloneYouWill

If Harry Wasn't The Main Character

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and That Damned Stone Of Mine That Nearly Ruined Everything

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Yall Muthafuckas Need ~~Jesus~~ Albus

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Dammit Severus Calm Your Tits

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Dammit This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Fudge You're a Fucking Moron

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Snape Kills Me

Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore and Even Though I'm Dead I STILL Run This Show

Severus Snape and I Can't Believe I'm Saving James @#()$!@$ Potter's Son

Severus Snape and Potter Opened The Chamber of Secrets I Know He Did

Severus Snape and That Damn Potter I Hate Him And His Friends

Severus Snape and This Isn't My Fault IDK How This All Happened

Severus Snape and I Still Hate Harry Potter

Severus Snape and I Kill Dumbledore

Severus Snape and The Trolling of Voldemort

Remus Lupin and I Don't Really Exist Yet

Remus Lupin and Still Don't Really Exist

Remus Lupin and Haha Here I Am!

Remus Lupin and Well That Was Long-Lived

Remus Lupin and I Trust Snape

Remus Lupin and Dumbledore Says So And Thus I Still Trust Snape

Remus Lupin and THAT FUCKING PRICK

Rebeus Hagrid and The Dragon

Rebeus Hagrid and The Acromantula In The Woods

Rebeus Hagrid and The Hippogriff

Rebeus Hagrid and The Return Of The Dragon

Rebeus Hagrid and The ~~Lion~~ Giant The Witch And The Wardrobe

Rebeus Hagrid and Nobody Likes My Class

Rebeus Hagrid and I'm Hiding In The Mountains

Hermione Granger And I Found Friends

Hermione Granger And I Figured Out The Chamber of Secrets

Hermione Granger And My Cat Knew It All

Hermione Granger And Viktor Krum #Heartthrob

Hermione Granger And Dumbledore's Army

Hermione Granger And Both My Friends Betrayed Me #BetterPotion-ist #WonWon

Hermione Granger And UGH That Ron Weasley

Ron Weasley And The Giant Chess Game Was Put In To Make Me Useful

Ron Weasley And My Sister Gets Kidnapped By A Book, I Fly A Car Into A Tree And My Wand Is A Piece Of Shit

Ron Weasley And My Rat Betrayed Harry's Parents

Ron Weasley And I'm a Jealous Asswipe Who Still Is Counterproductive To The Cause

Ron Weasley And Even At The Ministry I Got Attacked By An Aquarium Full Of Brains

Ron Weasley And Clearly I'm Allergic To Hormones

Ron Weasley And Still A Useless Wanker

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool Trying To Improve

Neville Longbottom And I'm A Clumsy Fool But Doing Better

Neville Longbottom And I'm Proof Evolution Is A Thing

Draco Malfoy And I HATE HARRY POTTAH

Draco Malfoy And I HATE HARRY POTTAH But Other Things On My Mind

Draco Malfoy And I HATE HARRY POTTAH But I'll Do What It Takes To Live This Shit Out

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Well that was slightly morose

But things can only get better, neh? So here it is, your moment of zen:

Dear Amy: I am a wife (10 years) and mother of a school-age daughter. A year ago we moved halfway across the country to start a new life and for my husband's career. This year we will finally go back "home" for Christmas to visit family.

My parents are divorced. Although it happened some time ago, the resentment between them is still pretty raw.

I have three other siblings (ages 17-24), and we all feel tugged back and forth and torn between parents. I only have 10 days during the holidays to make up for a year of not seeing everyone, but I am already starting to get anxious and worried that I will upset either parent.

They do not do a good job of making any of us feel flexible to spend time with whomever we please. Their faces say it all; sometimes their words say it too.

I just want to have a nice vacation, especially for my daughter's sake, but I still feel like a kid in a divorced home. How do I let go of those feelings and just be OK with visiting who I want, when I want, without fear of disappointing everyone? — Already Scrooge

Dear your parents are going to hell because divorce is a sin,

Well this is a break from traditional WPP (white people problems)...let me see...there are 4 siblings of two divorced parents, one with a child (aka the grandchild)...the parents are still pissed off about it (the divorce, not the grandchild...I think)...hmmm. Well, you sound like you're an adult. I trust this means you can tell your parents "hey mom/dad, oddly enough I love the both of you since together the two of you created me and the three amigos, and thus are somewhat responsible for el daughtero so I'd really preesh-it if you could either put your differences aside for TEN FRIGGIN DAYS (aka <3% of the year) or not throw such a temper tantrum when we visit dad/mom...because, unlike you, we still like them. we do. #DealWithIt" So yeah that's what I'd do. Say that word for word (include your twitter hashtag, of course). But seriously, this still seems like an awesome problem to have. I can only imagine if Amy was in Sarajevo or something in the 90s..."Dear Amy: I am a wife, and my husband moved away to the Serbian Killing Fields for work, and my parents are still pissed off at each other because of their divorce years ago resulting from Hrvatska-Serbia regional conflicts. My husband's blatant war crimes aren't helping diffuse the tension. I think I just saw a young girl gangraped and then massacred into tiny bits by machetes. I just want to have a nice vacation, especially for my daughter's sake. Wat Do"

Dear Amy: There is a woman I work with who is just amazing. She's smart, funny, gorgeous, sweet and just all-around awesome!

I've told her I liked her, and she responded with, "I'm not looking for a relationship now."

My question is, what do I do now? She isn't looking for a relationship now, but she may in the future, right?

I don't want to seem like I'm trying to force a relationship on her. I don't want to come on too strong.

Your advice? — Cuddly Colleague

Dear context clues motherfucker do you use them,

So you told homegirl you liked her. She said "nah not my thang atm thx tho." WHERE IS THE FUCKING POINT OF CONFUSION. This is polite talk for "nigga gtfo i like you but i dont like like you and this is me being polite kthxbai" HOW THICK ARE YOU

Dear another white person,

Bummer for the loss, mate. He potentially was probably a good person. I don't know any Indian that feels entitled, because my Dad has excitedly been figuring out how much I owe him...only thing I feel entitled to is lunch...shoot I woke up at 6 its been two hours is it lunchtime yet

#OppaSuarezStyle #BiteBiteBiteBite #BiteEmSuarezStyle

Y'all best be showin some respect now yahear

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/07/26/president-obama-award-medal-honor

"He won the Medal of Honor?"
"You don't 'win' the Medal of Honor...you're awarded it, for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty"

And in honor of North Korea celebrating "Victory Day" (whooo we're a shitty third world country! huzzah! we have no water, food, electricity, freedom, human rights or anything else! #FUCKYEAH)

#YoullNeverWalkAlone

Name

Rank

Organization

Conflict

ABRELL, CHARLES G.

Corporal

U.S. Marine Corps

Korean War