This simultaneously seems both ridiculously made up, but conceivably true. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but recent evidence (aka when Kendall gave me lung cancer) suggests that perhaps those of Mumbaiker blood are more susceptible to cancer of the pulmonarius kind. But man you'd think if this were true most of 20 million people would have lung cancer...unlesssss...this is our way of training for World War III. We're slowly breeding superIndians with lung capacities like humankind has never seen...it all makes sense! Indians still play the conch, and considering the lung requirements to continuously play a freaking conch (people always talk about singing and a capella needing lung strength...bitch try a fucking conch. It's more exhausting than a triathalon, inside an ironman, wrapped in an enigma) this can only be part of the master plan to rule the world. China developed the strategy with Beijing, so we're just trying to keep up #ilearnedallmypoliticalsciencefromrisk #dontcountouttheaussies #needdatbonus
Also, since I'm living it up at home, I've been watching some more tv during the afternoon, and I've specifically been watching some law+order...and like what the hell is Ice-T's role. What does he actually do? Like Stabler and that uptight brunette chick do all the heavy lifting, the asian dude does the psych-stuff and sometimes he gets super crazy and chokes a patient (alright so that happened once but it was still absolutely hilarious), the old dude is the boss so he just does boss-y things, but Ice-T...doesnt do anything. He gets Stabler coffee...drives them around NYC...and sometimes chases people, but I assume that last bit is because he's black and thus athletically superior to Stabler and the bossy chick. Also I can't believe that SVU has been going on for like 15 years...considering that the entire show is about rape victims and pedophilia victims and the like. How can you come up with 15 YEARS' worth of material for that? Unless...the writers...PAGING CHRIS HANSEN COME IN CHRIS HANSEN
Yes?
Ah yes hello Chris hows it going
Oh, sorry to hear that...but I do need some help, so perhaps you're still up for some dirty work?
Absolutely who is the unfortunate vic-I mean the perpetrator of such a crime?
Oh it's just some Hollywood writing staff - WHAT THE FUCK WHO GAVE YOU A #@$()*#@$ GUN CHRIS HANSEN
Oh since I freelance now and I don't have to obey FCC rulesand dateline/nbc regulations now I just bring a gun with me at all times
OH GODDAMN IT CHRIS HANSEN...ugh FINE this is what I need you to do...let me find the address...just gimme a sec...
No worries I'm already on the job! I'm breaking into his kitchen right now.
Breaking...where? What? Who? Wait...OH SON OF A BITCH CHRIS HANSEN GET BACK HERE
No no really it's ok I'm on the job!
CHRIS FUCKING HANSEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW...OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE MAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU...maybe I shoulda just done this myself...
No no I'm sorry I'll try again lemme just set this trap up real quick
NO CHRIS HANSEN BAD CHRIS HANSEN WE KNOW WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE STOP IT STOP DOING THIS AAAAAAARGHHHHH
Everything all right man?
You seem a little tense...
...you wanna just have a seat right over-
NO CHRIS HANSEN I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A SEAT RIGHT ANYWHERE *SOBS* WHY IS THIS SO HARD FUCK IT I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE LAW AND ORDER JUST DO WHATEVER i dont care anymore...
No man don't worry it's okay I'll do this one pro bono just for you don't worry I found the guy
See see I found him and I'm talking to him right now
CHRIS WHO THE HELL IS THAT YOU CANT JUST GO TALK TO RANDOM STRANGERS AND ASK THEM TO HAVE A SEAT...THAT'S JUST PLAIN WEIRD CHRIS
Oh just one more chance please just one more i promise i'll do better please just one more chance just one more
I'll do better I swear just one more chance I promise I will please man just one more just this once
I really need this too please just once
Oh fuck it...UGH FINE CHRIS HANSEN...ONE more chance and then I'm outta here
HEY BOSS LOOK AT THIS PERV! LOOK WHO I FOUND!
DID I DO BETTER OR WHAT! I TOLDJA I WOULD YOU WOULDNT LISTEN TO OLD CHRIS BUT HE FOLLOWED THROUGH AND FOUND THE GUY!
See I toldja, you can take Chris Hansen out of the game but you can't take creepy Buckeyes out of little boys...nor you can you ask the little boys for their buckeyes HEY-O!
Chris...oh fuck it good job chris throw this asswipe in jail next time I need your help I'll use the Hansenignal...thanks Chris, I think.
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