We're pooling our money together and renting a plane

and buying a shitton of 2012 dvds.  I mean the movie sucked outside of badass special effects, so it should be mad cheap to buy a couple hundred.

Then we're quickly flying over the DMZ and dropping them all throughout North Korea.  Maybe we can pretend we're flying to China from Seoul? Yeah that seems like it would work.  I have a Korean guy, we can talk to him.  And my Uncle has been in and out of Pyongyang enough times that I think we can use him too as a back up "get-out-of-gulag-free" card.  Well, at least I can.

WHO'S WITH ME

As a Volunteer Wolverine, aka an element of the Wolfpack Set...

I think I'm qualified to do some football analysis (because a wolverine sounds like a wolf, and wolfpack inherently implies multiple wolves, and you can go fuck yourself whatever dickwad is gonna go Carolus Linnaeus up in here).  The League is by far a top3 fav show of mine, being "The Real Husbands Of Hollywood" and CBS' "Selection Show" (you can take me out of Tobacco Road, but I'll be damned before you take the Tobacco Road out of me), and as some of you know, I've been watching all of it for many reasons a) its fucking hilarious b) Ruxin and Raffi are my niggas c)idk football.  On that note, I'm torn.  To absolutely no one's surprise, I hate UNC.  And I LOVE watching Steve Spurrier lose.  Plus you all know my saying, "NORTH CAROLINA IS BEST CAROLINA" but that mainly extends to my house and the ten foot sphere of influence around me.  And never Chapel Hill.  Regardless, I'm rooting for USC_wrong.  #WelcomeToTheCockPit But seriously I love a good immature joke as much as the next guy but seriously youre the "Fighting Gamecocks"? Also, I want to use this time to note that everywhere across the country teams with "Indian" nicknames are subjected to scrutiny, but not Notre Dame.  They have laid claim to an entire country of angry drunk famine'd folk, and portray them has happy-go-lucky leprechauns.  Not to steal from the Stanford Band, but seriously no one else sees this?  But I suppose it makes sense that the catholics dehumanize Ireland as opposed to VC because lets be real Ireland is far more catholic than the Vatican.  At least they stopped attacking non-catholics, I'm pretty sure the IRA is still an active terrorist organization.  Whatever.

My point is I want to be like Arjun and make a video of weekly picks, but dear god I have some shame left in me, and I don't have that much hubris.  Okay well I do but god damn the man looked and sounded retarded.  Regardless, UNC is going to get shat on, Clemson is going to choke and Murray will lead dem Dawgs to a clutch victory, NC State will attempt to pull a Clemson but will accidentally not and end up beating LTU, The NotredameBroadcastingChannel will have some boringass game at an optimal time slot, the fighting Mike Leaches will crush Benny the War Eagle, CJ Mosley will eat whatever the VT's QB is named, Les Miles will rip out his own heart and give it to his stable of running backs late in the fourth to make sure the second best team in Texas doesn't get an upset, and Cal will end Northwestern's attempts to finally make the NCAA Tournament.  And on Labor Day Doak Campbell is making a 20+ trip north to Pittsburgh to welcome the "we-wish-it-was-1980" Panthers to the ACC in a very "we-wish-they-brought-lube" kind of way.

Anyhoo I really wanted to analyze these various fantasy teams from The League.  Because I'm bored and literally have no work to do.

A fantasy football team consists of the following players, just for reference.

• 1 Quarterback (QB)
• 2 Running Backs (RB)
• 2 Wide Receivers (WR)
• 1 Flex RB/WR/TEs (RB/WR/TE)
• 1 Tight End (TE)
• 1 Placekicker (K)
• 1 Team Defense/Special Teams (DST)

So Jenny has a solid QB, Mr. Rodgers, from...ummm...well some university in California.  Can't really remember the full name, but I'm fairly confident Johnny knows.  Ask him.  She also has a fantastic FIVE running backs, including the well-spelled Knowshon Moreno, who I'm pretty sure he got his name when his dad said to the mother "hey you know sean? it's a great name, dontcha think?"  She also seems to be missing some WR's.  But she did manage to score exactly 1 TE, a defense, and one kicker.  But seriously 5 running backs? what the fuck is going on.  Even Georgia Tech doesn't use that many RBs in a game.

Now Taco...Taco is missing a QB.  Even if football isn't your thing, I'm sure we can agree that you kinda need a QB.  But apart from that, as we go down the list we see that Taco has a surprisingly decent team.  He has 2 RBs plus some depth (one could say he technically has the Best running back...hey Johnny remind me where Mr. 6 ypc went to school?).  But then you see this nig has FOUR FUCKING KICKERS.  Not only that, but 3 of them suck, and the fourth I fucking hate.  But regardless, a third of this dude's team is literally special.  Oh god what a team.  This isn't fucking soccer, you don't need 3 people standing over the ball all debating how to take the free kick "well I want to aim for the post" "well I want you to lay it off for me" "well I want you to run over it and fake that so i can draw the goalie in and then cross it over to the far post" NO THIS IS FOOTBALL YOU KICK THE SHIT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS THATS FUCKING IT.  THERE'S NO ()#@$*#)!$(*% STRATEGY JUST KICK THE DAMN THING.

Similarly we see that Kevin has a plethora of Quarterbacks.  Similarly, there's only really one QB on the field at any given time...so don't go giving Chip Kelly and RichRod retarded ideas to start using involving Kevin's 3 QBs and Tacos 4 kickers.  That will just turn into Rugby, especially when you mix in Jenny's half a dozen RB situation.

Can't really see Pete's team, but we can see that he has two defenses.  Now even if you have never seen a football game before, I think we can conclude THAT AT ANY GIVEN POINT ONLY ONE DEFENSE IS ON THE FIELD.  Never does a coach receive the kickoff and think "heheheh if we send out our defense the other team will be SO confused" "yes you wannabe trickster they will be confused for about a second before you have champ bailey play QB and the other team just abuses youre retardedness"

Somehow Chuck has a good team, in terms of both quality and legality.  Actually....that's a real good team.  Drew Brees is a stat machine, well the RBs could be better but Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson? And Green Bay's defense? Yikes Chuck has a team.

But Ted.  Ted...Ted Ted Ted.  What happened? You didn't even bother drafted 2/3 of the football team.  It's one thing to joke "oh shit our team has a super offense but no defense...we can only win shootouts haha" well, sherlock, its a completely different thing to NOT EVEN HAVE A _#@$*)#( DEFENSE.  And kicker? nah those PATs and KOs are fucking optional.  Whatever.

Plus all these people have teams of different sizes. Taco has 13 players and Ted has 6.  God I love this show.


As I've established, I legitimately don't have work to do yet, until I get some software from Oak Ridge and a facility walkthrough next week...and my professor is out of town in the Czech Republic doing...well doing something.  he sent us a photo from a reactor so I assume its academic.  But regardless not going to class tomorrow so basically one more class till fubhaaaaw is back.  Yaaaaaaay!

This state is friggin weird

So this morning, around 7, this chick comes and rings my doorbell about half a dozen times.  I went and answered, not realizing that a) I know no one here b) who would ring my door at 7...if something were serious they'd call.  I should've just ignored that shit.

But no, I answered it.  And this chick is having a panic attack on my front porch trying to stare into my bedroom window.  She comes up and asks me if I've seen a white dude living in my apartment.

...
...
...

Um, what? OH you mean this dude living in my pantry....ohhhh yeah that makes sense.  So anyway she starts explaining she's looking for some white dude...and he drives a blue car and she started pointing at an empty spot going "that's where he parks" and all I'm thinking is "yes that's a parking spot very good white trash that would be an acceptable location for him to park" and she starts going on about how she's very hungry and lonely and he's got all her shit in his trunk and I'm going "this is why we don't answer the door at 7 am on sundays."

In the end I said "lemme go get my phone" and then I closed and locked the door and found a bigass pot and sat by the door in case she tried some funny business for about 20 minutes before going back to bed.  If this shit had happened in 2 in the afternoon I probably would've been at the peak of my game, but it was 7 fucking am...even JC and the Sunshine Band isn't up yet for the church service.  So yeah that was weird.  I'm pretty afraid she's gonna see my blue car and go white trash-apeshit on it for the sole reason that it's blue.

You know, it's possible to NOT ruin a child's life at birth

Like seriously parents get your shit together with the naming of the lil'uns.  You give them weird-ass names, and I'm pretty sure had I run into any of them in elementary school/weren't terrified of the ghetto neighborhoods around said elementary school I would have mercilessly abused them.  Well no I take that back, LaMonday was my bff in 4th grade.  She was pretty chill.  Regardless, the point is there's nothing wrong with a solid name like "Fred" or "Thomas" there's no need to add about a dozen unnecessary letters that constitute prepositions and identifiers in other languages, like "La" "Le" "De" or other dumb shit like that.  Or just take a scrabble gameset, take the 7 letters you start with and try to make a name.  That's how shit like Monzaqa happens. Or use alphabet soup "hey this is my son abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" "nigga dafuq that's the whole alphabet you lazy shit"

Also, don't name your kid after a place.  "Caroline" is fine because that's a name, but "India"? No.  "India" is not the name of a human.  I know this, because before 1947, none of the black people named "India" had ever heard of "India" and even then it probably took longer than that.  How would you like it if my child was named "Mozambique" or "Timbuktu" or whoops found a gem "Lake Titicaca".

Everyone's in a fit about that kid being named "Messiah" which I find hilarious because every hispanic not named "Carlos" "Luis" or "Juan" is named "Jesus", which I'm pretty sure is worse, because at least "Messiah" is religion-neutral whereas "Hay-zeus" not only is spelled like the JC man, the pronunciation brings the Greek old boy Zeus in, and I'm pretty sure the wrath of Zeus actually killed like a shitton of Greeks.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_people_did_Zeus_kill

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_people_did_Zeus_rape

Oh and I feel like I learned somewhere that "Muhammad" is the world's most common name.  And it also seems like Islam has the most visibly angry people (am I wrong, Bassil?), soooo...yeah.  Some of you folks with a better understanding of world history (so mainly Bassil I guess) may try to poke some holes at Hinduism and try to be like "Ashwin you got some crazies up in there too yaknow don't be biased" so fair enough I'm going to list every terrorism-y thing Hindus have done outside of India:






So yeah, I don't hate on hindu extremists because we keep the anger and terrorism in-house.  We're polite like that.  We killed Gandhi, we attacked the Golden Temple in 1984, etc etc.  We're like black people: if we have an argument, we won't involve yall in it.  The only difference is if you try to get involved, gangsters will shoot you too, whereas we'll sell you some spices, cotton and tech support to get you out of the way.

Regardless so apparently my apartment complex was replacing the entire sink unit in my bathroom, which is fine and all, except homeboy had a 'family emergency' before he could finish and now I have no water in my bathroom.  Look, unless your wife immediately went into labor, whatever the fuck happened can wait the extra minute or so it takes to put the faucets back in and connect the shit up, asshole.  If someone died, guess what, they're still gonna be dead a minute from now, and getting there at 5:33 instead of 5:29 aint gonna bring them back.  And if someone's in the hospital...you're clearly not a doctor, so your presence 3 minutes later isn't gonna to affect their broken leg situation.


UGH.

Anyhoo, I'm debating ways to jerryrig my bathoom so that when he opens the door the tiny allen wrenches that came with my furniture swing in and puncture his eardrums...until next time, gathedos! Ashwin, OUT.

Dis gun be gud

So I have a pretty solid master's project, which basically involves me doing a shitton of calculations and math and stuff about radiation protection and shielding for a 14 MeV neutron generator (which also serves as a neutron accelerator, but the day this blog turns into me thinking more about work is the day we stop blogging...).  It's pretty awesome, but the best part is so far he hasn't given me anything to do.  Like, at all.  Nothing to read, nothing to learn, just some vague codes I have to obtain at some point.  The only thing I have going on is a meeting to go on a walkthrough of the facility on September 3rd.  So yeah I don't have anything to do at all for a while.

:D

This is fucking excellent.

People lied to Ashwin

This doesn't end well for you who did.  On january 10th or whatever people were like "last FDOC ever!!111!!1!!" and for some reason I excitedly agreed with all these people.  Well it's now occurred to me that all those people went into the workforce, and thus it was actually their last FDOC (which I didn't know was an acronym people used until then).

Well guess what.  You all lied to me.  It wasn't the last )#@$*#@() FDOC ever, in fact, I anticipate having 10 or so more, including today.  So screw you.  Luckily it was a bunch of people I didn't really know or like anyway, so when the cops come knocking on your doors, you can tell them the murder was justifiable #itwasaJOKEnsa #calmdown #goreadTsarnaev'sblog #notsomeIndian #when'sthelasttimeanIndianattackedanythingotherthanafulltoss #cricketjokes #teeheehee #ahashtagadaykeepsthehipstersaway

Regardless, today's the first day of class at UTK.  As I mentioned monday, there are a lot of big blue haterz present in my upper hierarchy, so time to antagonize two very important people #oppashwinstyle I mean they're obviously not going to overreact, but hopefully it'll be the start of some very fun trashtalking.  Here's your daily reminder that Urban Meyer has ruined my birthday.  There could be a mass killing of my entire family on July 10th, but Urban Meyer would still be the worst thing that's happened to July 10th.  Even worse than Jessica Simpson being born-ded as well :O #hatethatguy #REALLYhatethatguy

On that note I think I have a psychological problem (yeah yeah shut the fuck up "ashwin says mean things all the time" isn't a psychological problem).  You know that sports cliche "I know I'm doing something right when I'm on the road and I hear boos" well I think I take that to a far extreme.  I LOVE being the odd man out (not hipster-style you freaks) because I'm at my strongest when everybody is absolutely furious at me.  You remember that time NC State was up 61-41 at Cameron (I still see Austin Rivers draining that 3 15 feet away from me, in my nightmares.  And seriously though, how does one team have 3 starters foul out and the other goes 9 deep and not have anyone foul out? i hate blaming referees, especially when you're up TWENTY with 11 and a half minutes left...but seriously.  I think this year too we had 2 starters foul out and duke magically had like 4 players with 4 fouls, each seeming impervious to picking up a 5th. ugh.  fucking cameron.)? Yeah that was when the Cameron Crazies' list of hated people went 1) Dean Smith 2) Tyler Hansbobo 3) ME 4) Osama.  I bumped both Osama and Eric Montross! And man I was on top of the world.  I had some sort of point I was making, but I forgot it.  I assume it's just another reminder that despite Austin Rivers' awesomeness in Chapel Hill, I still hate him as much as Urban Meyer #really? #YESREALLY

ooh also so a few weeks ago I posted some harry potter material - specifically some book titles from other character's POV. http://arshawinthegreat.blogspot.com/2013/07/if-harry-wasnt-main-character.html

Well Bossman posted it to reddit (I assume r/hp or something to that effect), and shit went viral enough for me to get pretty excited about it

http://www.reddit.com/r/harrypotter/comments/1kq5bv/the_book_titles_if_harry_wasnt_the_main_character/

ah yes r/harrypotter.  Regardless it seemed to be a big hit so that made me incredibly happy.  The love of random people on the internet, I crave it.

#EngineEngineNumber9 #OnTheNewYorkTransitLine #IfHeHollersLetHimGo #E-I-E-I-O

Hi-ho hi-ho it's off to work we go

Started work today...boss is a Mich St alum, department head is a tOSU alum...good times are inevitable! Plus the PI is a huge red wings fan, so i'm looking forward to this.

Life is pretty excellent on all fronts, but unfortunately for you all I've done nothing of interest these last few days.  Okie has a hockey game on wednesday, so I'm thinking Thursday will include some more details...I wasn't sure if I was gonna drink, but in typing this sentence I've decided I'm going to get drunk.  No idea how, because there are no ABC stores in this backwards-ass state, so time to google how that shit works out.

Scotch tape totally let me down regarding the apartment decorations, so bought some painter's tape today, looking forward to redoing everything again tomorrow, then i guess post pictures here.

Sorry guys.

I'd write more, but playing FIFA is far more entertaining.  Just google recent events pertaining to Arsenal Football Club, and the appeal of immersing myself in a fake environment is incredible.

Sup fellas

I'm back! Had a solid week of setting up apartmenty stuff and moving to Knoxville and all that fun mambo jambo.

Not much interesting happened, minus this once incident where my Dad took the wrong exit and we took 75 north towards Lexington for about an hour or so before he realized we were no longer on I-40.

Yesterday was East Tennessee history day or something like that downtown, so I went on some random free tours, and discovered the most amazing and happy fact of my life: at one point, all of east Tennessee belonged to NC, so anything and everything that happened during the 18th century is a result of NC being nice to tennessee so stick that in your pipes and suck it.  I was wearing the homecoming tshirt from when we beat clemson so i laughed when tourguideman said that and said loudly "yall are all welcome, by the way" to which some tennessee fan started tryna talk shit about football (let me tell you, its one thing to know football is a way of life, but i'm fairly confident if tennessee played football at midnight christmas day or 8 am easter sunday all the churches in knoxville would still be empty #SECnation) about how state sucks, and tennessee beat state (we beat us? we sure did! can't believe we lost to us though. unbelievable), to which i just noted that the game the homecoming referenced, we beat a top25 (let alone top10) team, whereas the last 4 years UTK is roughly 0-19 against top 25 teams so suck on that you nutjobs.

I also realized that these people are very very rednecky and terrify me a lot.  But when I started talking to some of them, they were incredibly nice and helpful and truly defined southern hospitality...i'm pretty sure this is the oasis of the desert though, so I'm still gonna cut down on how much I talk to people (for safety reasons...no where on my daily planner is "get lynched" and i have no plans to add that event to mein schedule).

Also so the gates to Neyland are just left open, so people can go in and look around and get awed by the site of a gigantic 102455-seat bowl.  It's #)$@#*!@#)(*%#@ huge.  I'm so damn excited.  But the main point is that I stole my first thing from Neyland.  I have about 200 industrial sized garbage bags, courtesy of the carts they use to clean the stadium.  I figure this will meet my trash needs for about the next 39 years, so that's good.

So yeah very uneventful week.  Until next time, playas.

"They may come to our arena...BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR STATE!" #ourstate

TIL Apple isn't completely full of assmunchers

So I lost an itouch early sophomore year...and I just assumed I lost it in the Quad, and some guy found it and was like "hmmmm...meh I'll keep it seems legit"...but I was wrong! I found it in mein car today when I was vacuuming the floor mats and stuff.

Now this roughly means its been in a car on the floor for 2.5ish years, so I was super hesitant that it would work, but lo and behold it does! And the inside of the car has gotten super hot the past few years (for terribly obvious reasons...) and so I'm pretty stoked about this find #ashwinning and I'm pretty stoked that the hardware apple used survived those conditions! good job apple.  i'm proud of you.

Getting to be that time o the year

Well some of you smarter readers may have used your powers of pattern-recognition to realize the Hashtag Of The Day is #TwoDaysOfRaleigh...brought to you by the Count? how many days of raleigh? let us count! one...hahahah...two...ahahahah! TWO! two days of raleigh! ahahahahah!

So basically I'm taking a few days off starting on Toosday to do all of the moving stuffs...furniture (omg gonna have furniture this year! but i'd rather just have a bigass CEO desk and no furniture...#missyou), internetz, stoodent id, walmart shopping spree for towels'n'shit etc etc.  I'll probably blahg tomorrow, but this just serves as a penultimate reminder.  Mainly because I don't have much else to say.

Oh yeah so 13assil came back to amurikah last night, and I thought it would be totally fun to show him just how much I creep'd up on that:

http://flightaware.com/live/flight/BAW293/history/20130810/1625Z/EGLL/KIAD

XD i tried to time a welcome back message with his arrival but i was off by 3-4 minutes :/  I know I'm disappointed in myself I'll have to do better next time.  I am intrigued by one particular stat on that page...

Distance	Direct: 3,671 sm    Planned: 3,992 sm    Flown: 3,686 sm

Direct means literally at surface level, I presume, so that's ok.  But they planned to fly 3992 [units of measurement] and instead only flew 3686...what happened to the other 306? Where they like "oh whoops our bad our version of GoogleAir was a bit slow in updating itself" or like "mapquest took us on too long a route but once we hit the atlantic ocean i knew where we were so i just took over and ignored mapquest's directions"...i do like mapquest's new thing though, it tells you "if you see road XYZ you've gone ABC miles too far" which is pretty convenient.

And Arsenal pounded out a badass 3-1 win over ManC yesterday in Helsinki, which was awesome as it shows we have the talent to beat anyone, but similarly it shows AW that we don't need more talent, which is just factually inaccurate.  Ugh.  If it takes another 8-2 beatdown to get the depth we need...ughhhh.

#DosDaysDeRaleigh

Hey American Government

Cut the fucking hypocrisy! I hope Russia NEVER sends Snowden back to you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Headley#Review_of_the_handling_of_Headley_by_U.S._authorities

What the fuck kind of two-way street is this? You can't demand Russia to hand you back a criminal while India does the same (worse, because David fucking Headley IS ACTUALLY A GODDAMN TERRORIST unlike Snowden who, oh, i dont know, just informed us of how fucking psycho you lot in Washington are? You read our emails and everything and you STILL couldn't figure out the Brothers Tsaernaev? #oyvey #NYTBestseller #Dostoyevsky) and you ignore our requests!

It's shit like this, America.  Maybe Iran would negotiate their nuclear program if you even offered anything:

Iran: We want weapons!

America: no.

Iran: Fine let us use it for power then we need power and nuclear energy is excellent

America: no.

Iran:...fine we'll use lower concentrations and no plutonium?

America: no.

Iran:...wtf Amerika give us something to work with

America: no

Iran: fuck this the grand Ayatollah says to keep our program and talking to you is getting nowhere bump this.

America: no

And the best part is when Israel joins in...seriously Israel? The country that broke into Los Alamos with the Chinese, lied about their program for decades, built a fake building on top of the real reactor to fool the IAEA and UN watchdogs, when Mordecai Vanunu (an Israeli citizen) wanted to break the story and lies the Mossad assassinated (read: didn't give him basic legal rights whatsoever, let alone the fact that whistleblowing international crimes isn't really a crime) him...yeah strong arguments here.  And its even better when Israel cries about Johnathan Pollard...oh you mean the traitorous piece of shit that makes Robert Muller look like Mr. Rogers? Oh yeah you can have him when hell freezes over.

Ugh.  If there's ever a candidate who says "fuck this we're pulling out of EVERYWHERE and slashing the defense budget by 500 billion since who the hell is gonna actually invade (read: the definition of defense) America" i'll pour every penny i've got into that campaign.  AQAP doesn't want us in the Middle East? Fine.  No weapons to your governments, no training for your soldiers, no billions in aid, nothing.  They're called YOUR PROBLEMS for a reason...they're YOURS.  You can't ask for aid, and then be all surprised when Osama bombs the embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam and we get pissed.  Or when Black Hawk Down occurs in Somalia.  When does the Monroe doctrine end (and when did it get extended to the entire planet?)?

Lots of highly opinionated material recently, neh? Well that's the foundation of democracy right? Our abilities to have opinions (and I'd love for someone to argue back on this...seriously America this is pathetic) and talk about it...Proud to be an American...where at least I know lots of crazy arabs want to kill us.

BUT TIME FOR A HAPPY SHOUTOUT to Frank Kovac, a dude out in the middle of nowhere, Wisconsin:

http://www.kovacplanetarium.com/

He built his own gigantic planetarium because he loved the night sky so very much...phew that's some topquality work right there man wowzers.  Don't even know what else to say but a hearty "well done, son."
Good job, America.  It's shit like this, America #attaboy


AND Arsene Wenger still refuses to make signings...yes Arsene we have a top team...but seriously you still don't realize that injuries occur? Has anyone actually seen Abou Diaby play actual minutes in the last 5 years?

Sigh.

#3DaysOfRaleigh #takingtimeofffromAmyDickinson #becauseiliterallylosemymindreadingthoseletters

Stay classy, NC

Once two strangers climbed ol' Rocky Top

lookin for a moonshine still.

Went to the dentist yesterday after they had sent about half a dozen monthly reminder postcards...told the doc I was moving to Knoxville for grad skool at utk, one of the nurses busted out the chorus to Rocky Top and it was fucking awesome.

And I had all sorts of fun with AT&T yesterday that I don't really want to think about anymore, so that story line ends rather abruptly.

So Eid was yesterday, closing out Ramadan...which in Hindi is Ramzan, which my Dad continuously yells out in anger whenever he sees or hears "Ramadan" which is odd because he's not Muslim, and I'm not really why he takes this so personally.  Considering the half-dozen different ways the Media spells the ex-leader of Egypt's name - Morsi, Mursi, Morsy, Mursy, etc - I'm just impressed they've managed some consistency in the matter.  But the best part is that yesterday (aka Eid aka HUMP DAY aka no wait yesterday was thursday jk my b) was supposed to be some sort of happy religious peaceful celebration day, and terrorist groups were like LOLNOPE and bombed a few cemetery sites, assassinated a Pakistani police chief, killed a bunch more police higherups at the police chief's funeral when they bombed it, etc etc.

It just wouldn't be a peaceful religious day if body extremities weren't being flung to the four corners of the world, now would it?  But all this reminds me of the LEGENDARY fox news interview about what Muslims do/don't know about Jesus:

WAT.  Are you serious? Within 30 seconds, Fox News has shown that they have no understanding of a) Islam b) Christianity c) the Middle East d) any sort of history other than Obamacare e) the concept of scholarly work f) just anything intellectual ever, really.

Yikes.  His stunned pause at roughly :30 after she asks that absolutely retarded question was pretty hilarious, and I'm stunned he managed to keep it together.  "Like a democrat writing about Reagan" what is it with rightists (for the record, don't hate Republican ideas from a theoretical sense, just the fucking morons who they use as a vehicle for their party's motives...its a thin line, and even then Rush Limbaugh doesn't make it any easier to not hate the GOP) who love Reagan soooo much? Um, news flash: Reaganomics, which is basically trickle-down economics...DOESN'T WORK.  AT ALL.  And the Iran-Contra affair? Yeah that was some real winning material there.  And arming Afghanistan? Topnotch thinking.  NYC is SUPER grateful for all of that forward-thinking.  Have any of you actually seen Afghanistan? who gives a flying fuck if the Soviet Union has it? It's a desolate, useless, arid waste of land between Iran and the Hindu Kush.  There's nothing of value there, who cares if the USSR takes it? Especially right after the Shah was overthrown you were like...these people, yes, they need lots of weapons.  ugh.  The only reason he has a superhigh approval rating is because he "won" the Cold War (did anyone really win that though?).  Sigh.

Anyway, back to some point I was trying to make...this Fox News interview had me thinking about the "Big Three" of religions, and how much they remind me of highschool character types:

- Judaism is the snotty, snooty rich white girl who has been spoiled beyond recognition and loses her shit every time a fake nail is millimeters off-center, or a "poor person" comes and talks to her.

- Christianity is the jock, the four-sport star who thinks the world revolves around him and he's (hehe) god's gift to humanity (not to mix this up with St. John's player God'sgift Achiuwa)

- Islam is the strange kid sitting in the corner more-or-less minding his own business, and capable of a decent social lifestyle, but you talk to him too long and you realize he's (#)$@#*$ bat-shit crazy.

Offended half the world's population? good.  Come see me not give a shit.  But where does hinduism factor in, I'm sure you're wondering (since based off of the crazy right-wing websites I found, the basis for christianity is that "it came first" hey news flash hinduism was around thousands of years prior #yourmove #crazywhiteNRAguy)...well let me tell you...hinduism is the pothead who doesn't really give a flying fuck what's happening around him, as long as everything is mellow and chill and nonviolent and peaceful.  And buddhism is a narcoleptic hindu (in this analogy, of course) who you can't tell if he's sleeping or meditating.  And Shintoism is the crazy japanese guy who's already solved every electrical engineering problem in the school because he can #racist? #maybe #true? #absolutely

#FourDaysOfRaleigh #Fenerbah-ce #WelcomeTo #DaEmirates

You Must Construct Additional Pylons

So my boy Fongo and I were talking yesterday, and I was taunting him about how in Cali they don't have Bo's or Cookout, and he was getting like super depressed about it all.  He went to school in SD, and he's also a pretty big Chargers fan so we were also discussing the possibilities he came out to Knoxville so we could go to the Titans-Chargers game in September.  Only prob is that for work he goes to Bahstahn every now and then, so we'll have to see if he's available that weekend...ANYWAY so late last night homeboy texts me that he's going to boston this weekend, and he decided to fly through CLT because they have Bo's in it..."HOLLA I GET BO'S THIS WEEKEND!!!" "what i don't understand explain" "I googled like a dozen different flight plans and figured out that there's a Bo's in CLT, so I'm totally planning my entire trip around this right now"

Fongo fucking activated boss mode on that one...I have nothing left to teach him *sob*...man I fucking love Alberto what a classy move.

Oh and my Dad tots is getting a final on-site interview with Google in MV the week after next :O #respect

I have also similarly decided to use this opportunity as a utk student over the next five years to get (relatively-speaking, if the FSU game was any indicator) ballin' seats to some of the best football stadiums in the country #yeahwe'recomin' #toyocit-eh #willwescreamboonersooner #rolltideroll #or #woopigsooie

http://athlonsports.com/college-football/college-football-2013-ranking-nations-top-25-stadiums

The badass pictures in that list was definitely a factor.
#TheGrove #TheCockPit #WarEagle #WooPigSooie #TheSwamp #RTR #RockyTop #BetweenTheHedges #DeathValley

Totally excited about going to Tennessee for all the right reasons!

I'm feeling happy right now, and this unnerves me.  Let's see what today's morons question-askers discuss:

Dear Amy: My dear sister took her own life nine years ago at age 45, having suffered from mental illness for most of her adult life.

When she was 20, my sister married a man who had little compassion and his own drug problems. They had two children during all this chaos and then divorced. The kids were estranged for a time from their mom, partly due to her ex-husband's constant smears, but the last few years of her life she had a pretty good relationship with her children, and I was happy for that.

At the time of my sister's death, the kids were both young adults.

Soon after her death, I received a notebook of various items belonging to my sister.

Among them are notes she kept, per advice from her divorce lawyer, concerning her ex-husband. There are notes taken that are not complimentary about her ex, and what she went through before, during and after the divorce.

There are also personal recommendations that were given to my sister that say lovely things about her, as well as cards and pictures. (Despite her problems she was a sweet child, woman and mother.)

I wish to send this whole notebook to her adult daughter (she's 31).

Should I edit this notebook, taking out things that are not complimentary of this adult child's father, with whom she has a relationship? Or should I send everything, because it is her mother's history?

It feels wrong to "pick and choose" just to keep the unpleasant side of things hidden. What

do you say? — Missing My Sis

Dear I'm still feeling a bit joyed so your letter wasn't complete shit,

Well I think you shouldn't edit any of it out.  It's not your notebook, it's hers.  You would be introducing your own bias into a matter where it doesn't belong.  Don't make me have to wikileaks the parts you didn't include.

But at the same time, your sister is a criminal, since she committed suicide, and passing along the journal might be seen as aiding and abetting a felon (yeah suicide's a felony...don't worry, it surprised me too.  I knew it was a crime, but #felony status seems a bit strong, seeing as people guilty of that crime are, you know, dead).

Hmmm there is no right answer here, is there? So let's look for three left answers #hey-o

Ok here's what we'll do.  Get a normal dice.  1-2, give her the full notebook 3-4, don't give her the notbook 5-6, pick up sticks.

Dear Amy: I am leaving in a few short weeks to study abroad for a semester in England. I've been waiting for this for years, and I'm ecstatic.

For the past 10 months I've been dating a great guy who is supportive about my going abroad. He says that although it will be different, he is not worried.

I wasn't worried either, until one of my professors told me that two-thirds of all relationships fail when one partner goes abroad.

Amy, I don't want this to fail. I want to be in the third of relationships that survive.

Any advice for keeping the relationship strong while separated by thousands of miles?

His visiting is not an option, but I know technology will be a godsend? — Long Distance Love

Dear blah blah blah now i'm bitter thanks your problem sure matters in the scheme of life,

Wow taking relationship advice from your professors! I bet when he said 2/3 of all relationships (I imagine this means that 2/9 of all left relationships #cantstopme) fail, he totally cited his sources and definitely isn't using this to troll you.  Wow this has personal problem written all over this.  Out of curiosity, what did you want Amy to do?  You literally sound like a pathetic excuse for a grown woman...maybe that's why you're going to England! Whenever they have a problem they either spend 50 million on some stupid royal shit (fucking glaring at you, "Diamond Jubilee" for "the Queen" and "all her hard work" yeah some hardwork it is to slaughter millions of minorities in countries you have no business in and have still fucked to hell to this day...yeah the Middle East sure is solid thanks Britain...oh and thanks for a Rwandan Genocide, East Africa is totally doing fine...oh yeah splitting India and Pakistan WAS A FUCKING GEM OF AN IDEA god I really hate England)

Ooh ooh I do want to know why "his visiting is not an option"...why can't he go to England? Is he not allowed in the British Isles? Is he a criminal? Oooooh this is exciting! Girfrend I just love dem bad boys too! Oh I bet he has prison tattoos! mmmm-mmmm! Is he on the no-fly list? IS HE A TERRORIST!

BASSIL ARE YOU DATING HEIDI

Dear Amy: I sympathize with the man ("Snored Out") who wrote about his snoring girlfriend.

My partner is a tremendous snorer. At first, I tried earplugs, but eliminating the sound caused me to realize he is also a restless sleeper.

Finally we realized the most considerate, loving choice was to sleep in separate beds at night (even if we start out in the same bed).

It works for us, and we still find ways to be intimate. — Rested

Dear no one gives a shit.  Let me repeat that "NO ONE...GIVES...A SHIT",

Yup.  No one cares.  Not Amy, not her readers, not the Pope, not the Jesus-man, not your parents, not your kids, NO ONE.  Omg "dear rested i was feeling super tired yesterday so i went to bed early and slept longer and now i'm all better i don't feel tired any more! omg it works for me!"

#5DaysOfRaleigh #FiiiiveGoldenRings #ThreeForTheElvenKings #UnderTheSky #SevenForTheDwarfLords #InTheirHallsOfStone #NineForTheMortalMen #DoomedToDie #OneForTheDarkLord #DoomedToDie #20RingsAcross4Races #That'sFiveRingsPerRace #12DaysOfChristmasIsAboutLOTR #Can'tArgueTheMath

Florida....sigh. Don't Even Know What To Say

http://abcnews.go.com/US/manual-molest-children-legal-cops/story?id=11561609

Happy birthday Jimmy Wales!

Without your wonderful creation, I would have never been able to learn that your birthday is today! So huzzah to you, you magnificent bastard!

Also it's amazing how much of a hassle moving out-of-state is...ugghhhhh...I don't want to think about that right now...ughhhhh...but on the plus side I never unpacked anything once I boxed it all up back in June, so that's convenient.

It's depressing when the highlight of my day is spending 2 hours on the phone with AT&T...meh.

Let's talk about Hagrid for a minute, can we please? He is a half-giant, as we all know, which indicates that his father is a "normal" human and his mommy was a 20 ft giantess.  The implication is that the two of them (the 5'7" male and the 20" female) had intercourse...now I've never seen a 20 ft tall woman, but I'm imagining it as a normal looking woman with the proportions dictating how everything...is...and man that's just so unnerving how it happened...like Hagrid's pop probs could've heard an echo or something...that's just weird.  I bet JK Rowling was high as shit when she imagined up that scenario #lsd #magic

Anyhoo, on to solving today's pressing matters:

Dear Amy: My sister was recently able to contact a niece whom we have not seen since she was 12 years old. She's now almost 30. The niece responded cordially and said she would like to resume a relationship. Her condition is that we not inform her father (our brother) of any information we receive from her.

My brother is estranged from his two children, but we don't know the reason. My brother has very little contact with me and refuses my requests for visits, but we do communicate occasionally by email and telephone calls. I would like to have a relationship with my niece, but I don't like the idea of concealing information from my brother. Can you offer any advice? — Wondering

Dear Broken Framriry,

Sounds like she's committed some crimes that she doesn't want her pops to know about...insurance fraud perhaps? Maybe some mail fraud? Hmmmmm that looks like a red flag to me...I'd say agree to the call, but record it surreptitiously (just so you know I accidentally spelled that right the first time and I'm mighty proud of myself right now #it'sanIndianthingapparently #isitinyou #staythirstymyfriends) just in case you need to call the FBI later.

And your brother doesn't want a relationship with you, so who cares about the concealing? Two wrongs DO make a right.  If I do something mean to you, then I'm winning, so the score isn't even.  But if you then do something mean back (aka another wrong, but has to be of equal meanness as my blow), then the score settles and we're back to square 1.  Three lefts also make a right, so therefore two wrongs makes three lefts, so one wrong is a left and a half, or one left is 2/3 of a wrong.  So someone with "two left feet" has committed 4/3 of a wrong.  And similarly a 'right-hand-man' is worth three 'left-hand-man'...so it's better to be right-handed than left-handed...but what about ambidextrous people? He is both a left-hand-man and a right-hand-man...i think the two combine, turning him into a 4/3-right-hand-man to indicate he is 33% better than a normal right-hand-man...but what if we take into account the old 3/5 rule? so a minority right-hand-man is 20% more than a single left-hand-man...so a handful of minority right-hand-men (aka 5) is worth 9 white left-hand-men.  But this is ignoring that a left-hand-man is ALSO 2/3 of a wrong.  So one minority is 80% of a wrong, so 5 minorities is 4 wrongs, whereas 3 whites is 2 wrongs.  So 15 minorities are 12 wrongs whereas 15 whites are 10 wrongs.

In conclusion, we have mathematically shown why there are more minorities in jail than white folk.Q MUTHAFUCKIN E D #science

What was the question? whatever I definitely don't care we just did something magical.

Dear Amy: After 40 years of marriage, I reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook. We got together a few times and ended

up being intimate. His wife found out, and he broke off any further contact.

He confided in me that he had cheated on her with another woman on an ongoing basis for a year.

My problem? I can't get over him. I have been in love with him for all these years, never got over him, and find I still have feelings for him. How do I get over these feelings? My husband has no idea I cheated on him this one time; otherwise, I have been faithful to him for all these years. I realize these types of letters are usually written by much younger people, but I still have feelings for this man. What should I do? — Lost

Wow you're a fucking cunt.  I hope you die in a horrible horrible way.  Like you accidentally eat a small rock, it slightly punctures some organ, and slowly the hole it produced rots away and you die in complete and total misery.

Also I'd like to point on in Amy's actual answer...NO WHERE DOES SHE SAY APOLOGIZE TO THE HUSBAND FOR CHEATING ON HIM.  THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, YOU CHEATING BROAD.  I HOPE YOU GET HERPES OF THE AORTA AND DIE BECAUSE THAT SORE HAS CLOGGED UP THE WHOLE THING THAT WHEN A STENT WAS INTRODUCED TO CLEAR IT THE THING POPPED AND YOU HAVE HERPES EVERYWHERE #translatethatintosignlanguage

Man I'm really pissed right now.   Ooh I bet she thinks she's a good little christian girl just because she goes to church every week! Oh man I can't wait to St peter boot your ass when you get to the pearly gates oooh ooh ooh oooh won't that be fun you cunt.

Dear Amy: Your response to "Of Sound Mind" slightly missed the mark. Many young, ambitious women see their career choice as empowering and all-consuming.

She remarks that her career ambition is higher than being a stay-at-home mom.

Some of us stay-at-home moms are highly educated, had brilliant careers and then left these careers to pursue other dreams (like having a family).

A truly intelligent and worldly woman keeps all of her options open and fulfills them in due time? — A Bryant, Esq.

Dear goddamn it can we drop the fucking topic,

yes, very good.  Different people have a myriad of opinions and all of them are different.  We're SO proud of you for being like every other human on the planet.  Who gives a shit about that 17 year old dumbass? Answer: No one.  She'll do whatever the fuck she wants, she'll ruin her life, and you strangers can giggle yourself to sleep as you imagine how well your housewife lifestyle has turned out for you, and how you imagine yourself as being worthy of actually giving advice.  I take solace in that my "advice" is rarely ever good, but rarely ever wrong.  God. Damn. It.

#6DaysOfRaleigh #AndOnThe6thDayOfRaleigh #MyTrueAWGaveToMe #ONE #FUCKING #SIGGGNNNIIIIIIING

Heres the mail it never fails it makes me want to wag my tail when it comes I want to wail MAAAAAAIL

Cocaine. #notevenonce

So I read some funny story in the newspaper this morning that 'drinking and walking' is dangerous too...which seemed odd, because I just assumed that drinking and walking (aka NOT driving) was a responsible alternative to drinking and driving.  I dunno, I didn't really read the whole article, but I thought that was amusing.

http://imgur.com/gallery/wBCEMFm

I...ummm...hmmm...does this...ummmm...sound a bit...ughhh hmmm...I...hmmmm...yrkkkk...roflmao #pawningyourweddingringisnotajob

Dear Amy: I am an attractive 70-year-young woman who has been going to a therapist for two years for depression. The depression is much better now. However, I have been gradually losing my hair. I come from a family of women with thinning hair, and my mother and grandmother both wore wigs as older women.

After much soul-searching, research and trial-and-error, I bought a very realistic silver-gray wig and started wearing it.

It looks great. My sister didn't even realize it was a wig. People just say that my hair looks good. I am divorced and trying online dating, so I feel I need all the help and confidence I can get. Believe me, my wig doesn't look like Dolly Parton's big hair.

I've observed that it is acceptable for men to have thinning (or no) hair, but not women.

This week — out of the blue — my therapist told me I was "wearing a mask for society." When I asked what she meant by that, she said she was referring to my wig and that my own hair wasn't that bad.

Now I'm wondering if I am hiding my real self by wearing a wig.

Any comments from you or your readers? — Reluctant Wig-wearer

Dear self-absorbed,

"I am an attractive 70-year-young woman" yeah you sure seem depressed and not at all vain or anything.  Nope you seem just like the kind of excellent person we all hope to age as.  I'm proud to be an America, where I'm vain as I can be (hey that even fit into the lyrics #surprisewin).  Your therapist spouted some fancy sounding bullshit (aka any analysis paper written in an English class ever) to justify some ridiculous fee to support the ridiculous notion that s/he knows what's good for you.

Guess what lady a) we all wear masks b) no one gives a shit if you do c) let me say that again d) NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCKING SHIT IF YOU DO.  I wear glasses.  I'm going to say that roughly half of America (if not more) wear some sort of visible/trivially invisible (...contact lenses you nutjobs) corrective lenses...omg mask.  I'm masking my true blind self.  What will the neighbors say? omg omg I DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT THEY SAY BECAUSE I'M A STRONG BLACK WOMAN WHO DONT NEED NOBODY.  Calm your egotisticalness down Dolly Parton...I want to insult you on that front so much but I'm going to Tennessee for the next five years and I think it's a state crime to insult Dolly Parton so I don't want to take that risk.

Fuck it just use rogaine you vapid shell of a 70-year-OLD YOURE OLD LADY DEAL WITH IT female entity.

Dear Amy: I am a woman in her mid-40s who divorced five years ago. I have recently started dating for the first time in many years. What is the proper protocol for who pays the dinner bill on a first date with someone I've met through an online service like Match.com? — Dating Again

Dear ohohoho feminazis come at me,

You should totally let the man pay, right? I mean youre a woman, he's the male, that's what gender equality is all about!  You're a pretty little lady so you shouldn't be expected to pay your meal, let some random dude you met on the internet take care of that! Ah, gotta love gender equality >:|

Seriously? YOU PAY HALF.  YOU FUCKING SPLIT IT- GAHHHHHHHHHHH HOW IS THIS A HARD CONCEPT.  What did you expect, some fucking intense function that spits out random percents based on how you feel?

Goddamn if this is the worst problem in your life I want to be you.

Dear Amy: I used to think like "Of Sound Mind" when I was her age. At 17, she felt certain she would never want to have children.

I'm glad I didn't make any permanent choices at that age. Now I am 29, pregnant with our second child and very happy about it.

Please tell this young woman that I respect her for knowing what she wants right now, but that her dreams don't have to be sacrificed when you choose to start a family. There's plenty of room for both children and ambition? — Working Mom

Dear blahblahblah i can have opinions too,

The letter she's referencing was our very first one! About that 17 year old bitch who thought she knew more than Albus Dumbledore, or something to that effect.  I don't really remember much, other than she was a complete dumbass who wanted some superinvasive surgery because she didn't want to have kids...idk don't have sex? No wait we addressed that! She's just gonna jack off for the next 65 years.  Wow what a nut.

But on the other hand, I distinctly remember her getting her panties in a twist about the fact that people who know better than her, have lived life longer and are just overall smarter than her were respectfully giving her advice but she was basically a toddler throwing a tantrum about it, so I hope she reads this letter too and writes back! Won't that be fun?


#7DaysOfRaleigh #MakesOneWeak #Hahahahahah #Ahahahahah #Sigh #ArseneWengerSignAnyone #LiterallyDon'tEvenCareWho #SuarezForceAMove #JesusTakeTheWheel

Just Hail baby Hail

to whom, you might ask? to the Victors, of course! Don't follow what I'm saying? Well you can go shove off, because football's back!  But it's a preseason game, ashwin! don't give a shit! But you didn't even watch it! still don't give a shit! gigantic men running into each other for 3 hours every week for the rest of the year! huzzah!

Hail To The Victors Valiant
Hail To The Conquering Heroes
Hail Hail To Michigan
The Champions Of The West!

Hail To The Victors Valiant
Hail To The Conquering Heroes
Hail Hail To Michigan
The Leaders And The Best!

GO BLUE! #Team134

Dear Amy: Do you believe a person can be asexual? I am a 40-year-old male who has never dated or had a girlfriend. I just don't have the desire or feel the need to be sexual. Being this way has ruined my life. I have very little self-esteem/self-confidence. I am so jealous of everyone else. I have accomplished very little in 40 years.

I have tried therapy over the years. and it really doesn't help. I want to know if you think I would be a good candidate for testosterone therapy. My testosterone has always been on the low end of normal.

The therapist I am currently seeing said it is odd that my testosterone has never fluctuated. Do you have any advice? — Asexual

Dear Biology 101,

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHHAH...OH MY GOD.  This is the epitome of pathetic...this is what giving up on life looks like.  You are literally the worst human being ever.  You have no desire to accomplish anything, you are jealous of everyone else, and key point, you feel no need to do the one biological activity that defines a species: reproduction.  You are LITERALLY the worst human being ever.  You are the prime example of devolution, the exception that proves the rule.  You are a sad, sad man, and I have NO IDEA why you are asking AMY FUCKING DICKINSON (no relation to Bruce Dickinson, unfortunately) biology questions.  What she believes is scientifically immaterial.  Holy crap you are a sad sad man.  Maybe one day you'll wake up with a throbbing pain in your side and produce another human #asexual reproduction #Athenawasbornthisway #sowasEve #butthebroadateafuckingapple #andnowwe'reallfuckingscrewed #thisistheultimate'thisiswhywecan'thavenicethings'

Dear Amy: A relative recently asked to stay with us. She arrived two hours late and didn't call. I skipped a meeting to be home when she arrived, as that seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

After she arrived, she immediately sat down and started texting shortly after she put her bags down. After 20 minutes of watching her do this, I said I was going to bed because it was so late.

We had to wake her up the next morning at 10:30 for breakfast. She left to visit friends and came back two days later — same thing. No thank-you when she left — nothing. Should I have said something or just tell her the guest room is booked next time? — Furious

Dear you better hope 'bitch' isn't hereditary,

Man she was a bitch wasn't she? Wowzers talk about inconsiderate.  This also seems pretty easy to diagnose...just tell her that the visit sucked, she was a total cunt the whole time, and you don't want her to come back and be an unappreciative gluesniffer.  Again, not sure how asking Amy will help you realize she was a terribad guest.

Dear Amy: Responding to the letter from "Grandma," whose grandson blamed the umpire when he struck out, when my son was young he couldn't hit a baseball no matter how hard he tried.

A wise coach on his Little League team took him aside and taught him to bunt, which is somewhat easier to do than swinging away. He never hit a home run, but he didn't embarrass himself anymore either. Baseball actually wasn't his "game" — but soccer was? — Proud Dad

Dear I'm not really sure what this letter is about,

"taught him to bunt"? What is there to teach? you literally just hold the bat out parallel to the ground and let the ball hit it.  Is your son retarded? How do you not get how to bunt? You let the ball hit the bat, so it doesn't go very far, and then you run like hell.  I think the fact that someone had to explain how to bunt is embarrassing enough for the kid.

Also are you a retard? What kind of sentence is "Baseball wasn't actually his 'game' - but soccer was?" No seriously, I don't understand that question.  What is the answer? "Yes.  Yes, soccer was.  Very good." "No, soccer wasn't.  Try again" "Potato chips...hmmm I agree let's try potato chips" SERIOUSLY WHAT KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT.  This is all Ron Weasley's fault.

#8DaysOfRaleigh #WhenISaidIWantedHiguainAtTheEmirates #IDidn'tMeanInANapoliKit #OyVey

The Many. The Poor.

THE INDIANS.

Whaddup.  Discovered yesterday that if I take an apple logo and throw it on a toaster with a touch screen (that doesn't actually do anything)...or just soder an itouch to a toaster...i could probably sell it for a thousand bucks easy.  #OnlyInAmerica

I love that saying "only in America" because it can convey both the good and awesome parts of America, but at the same time represent how fucking retarded, greedy, and arrogant the US is.  I mean, only in America do journalists have the right to invade the privacy of everyone and everything (as does the NSA, but that's a whole different thing) in the interest of "an informed public"...but at the same time, 'only in America' could you discover that the terrorist+group you're looking for is in one country, and invade another for photoshopped totally legitimate reasons.

Anyway on to today's questions:

Dear Amy: Due to a job layoff last year, our 32-year-old daughter has been living with my husband and me. She recently returned to work but receives a low salary and no health insurance.

She has a gluten intolerance, which requires meals without wheat and other additives. She refuses to eat the difficult-to-find and expensive gluten-free meals I purchase, accept any money or use the microwave. The food she purchases is scant.

She appears emaciated but is adamant (without medical advice) that her weight is normal. She became irate when I voiced my concern.

My husband feels that as an adult she can make her own decisions. I believe that she is rebelling against her need to return home at her age. What can we do before she is hospitalized for anorexia? — Terrified Mother

Dear your husband is right (omg!),

So your daughter is 32.  That seems like an adult age...I'm willing to give a pass on the "return to live at home" because it's starting to become increasingly apparent that people knowingly don't major in STEM fields...and so it doesn't bother me when your "Shakespearean Literature Through The Ages" child doesn't have better job offers than McDonald's (she can sell McHam(let)'n'cheese!) or Burger King Lear.  Anyway she should be applauded for trying to live within her means (minus rent of course...but whatever we can't all work hard and study useful things, apparently).  And I love it when people are like "omg omg anoxeria is a disease too! waaah don't you understand how serious it is! waaaaaaaah"  I don't give a shit about it (#gasp #youmeanashwindoesn'tcareaboutyour'disease' #noyoumedicaidscammers #idont #stopwastingmytaxpayermoney) because there are actual medical problems in the world, and your prima donna daughter weighing 83 lbs is not one of them.  Besides you don't actually know if she is anorexic, all you know is that she's eating less because she's got less money to spend on food.

I don't know about you, but where I come from, that sort of economic intelligence and financial awareness should be applauded.  Good on you, liberal arts girl, for not being a COMPLETE fool.

Um, anyone actually offended that anorexia doesn't bother me can go shove a broom up their ass.  If you don't want to eat, fine, buy the packaged food you would have eaten (if you weren't mental), and donate it to little Mphela in Subsaharan Africa who is also not eating because every WHO and UNICEF shipment is stolen by militias and bartered for weapons to massacre millions.  Yeah your eating problem sure seems important to me know, rich girl.  Also do men get anorexia? We watched some movie on it in elementary school, and I distinctly remember them all being female.  I'm sure there's some subtle message here about how women operate and how men operate and how anorexia seems very gender-biased. #DealWithIt

Dear Amy: My fiance's parents and his adult brother like to visit us in "the big city" as often as possible. Their stays generally range from one to three days in length but it is the frequency of the visits that bothers me.

His brother is typically at our house one to two weekends a month. He uses our place as a crash pad after a night of drinking. This bothers me on a lot of different levels. During the day he leaves a trail of messes that I am left to pick up after, including empty beer cans, dirty dishes, etc. After his visits I launder the sheets and towels.

On the opposite weeks, my fiance's parents like to visit — from one to three times a month. They typically stay during the week, which is often disruptive to my heavy work schedule (and life in general) as we have to entertain them in the evenings.

Once again, I am responsible for laundering sheets and towels. I tried to make this the responsibility of my fiance but he is perfectly OK with dirty linens.

I have gently voiced my frustration to him. He says I'm being ridiculous and must accept this if I am going to live with him.

I work long hours, and I don't want to be responsible for hosting guests all the time. This issue is driving a wedge between us. I feel bitter and angry. What can I do or say to limit the number of visits his family makes? — Prisoner in my Own Home

Dear #TFM,

man your fiancee+family sound like jerks.  Ditch him.  The fact that he isn't bothered by this means that he's either oblivious to rudeness or doesn't give a shit about how it affects you.  I think you should ditch him.  But do it at the alter.  It'll be that much better for you.  And because you know it's happening in advance, you can prepare for it, warn your (and only your) guests and family, don't have to buy expensive dresses/shoes/whatever, you probably can keep some of the gifts anyway...you can respond to his dickish family by being the world's greatest cunt! And I mean that with all the love in the world.


Dear Amy: Congratulations on your time off. After 10 years, it was about time. I have to say I really enjoyed your "best of" columns and frequently found myself laughing out loud. There were some real gems in there? — Don

Dear Don,

You really don't understand this job, do you.  It literally takes like 20 minutes.  I can't believe Amy takes time off...you could do this job from 7:30 to 7:50, and then take the REST OF THE FUCKING DAY OFF.  As jobs go, this is the easiest.  I can't believe she gets paid to help you sorry people "solve" your problems.  Oy Vey just man the fuck up and deal with your problems...they're called YOUR PROBLEMS cuz their YOURS not OURS.


#9DaysOfRaleigh  #HiguainMadeItToNorthLondon! #FuckNapoli #EmiratesCup2013 #Fuckit,It'sSilverware

Mmmmm...hmmmmmm...I...uhhh...hmmmm...Iknowhowthisgameendsforashwin

Gonna get a haircut today

Fuck yeah haircuts.  I love getting a haircut, because my hair is super thick and healthy and stuff and they can't use regular scissors so they take a bigass electric razor and just go HAM on my head and it feels oh so special.  But more on this later (jk there's really nothing else to say)

So yesterday was the Google Fiber interview, and mein vader said he thinks it went well, and so he hopes to be flown out to MV (despite no one from MV interviewing him...google makes so much sense sometimes)...but he did tell me that at the very beginning of the interview he asked the peeps about stereotypical google interviews and how they ask all those mindfuck questions...and he says they all just laughed and said "yeah we don't have time to do all that nonsense, we need to just ask you some technical stuff and actually learn how much of a fit for this project you are" which i think was good because a) my dad is technically very smart b) he doesn't handle bullshit very well.  like...at all.  if you asked him "why is a manhole cover round and not square" i'm pretty sure he'd go ragelift one out of the ground, beat you senseless with it and then say "if it was square these corners could have hurt you" or something to that effect.  It's a shame because i feel like those crappy questions that make no sense shouldn't be in interviews, but rather you should ask technical stuff to see if i'm actually smart enough for the job...which is funny, because if i ever was in charge of interviewing someone i would DEFINITELY ask them my own devised bullshitty question: "If moss didn't grow on the north side of trees, what side do you think it would grow on?"  its wonderful because it has that hippy-newage-horseshit to it, but its also a serious mindwarp.

Anyhoo so when he came down, he saw this box of random crap my Mom put together for me to take to Knoxville (random shit like 'tussin, super crunch peanut butter, toilet paper, etc), and he saw the TP and was like "why the fuck are we taking this with us? it's toilet paper he can get some there" and my mom tried to defend it going "yeah but you never know how immediately you need some TP so just in case right after he moves in" and my Dad busted this out: "he's going to Knoxville! he's not going to India, where you can't really find toilet paper! and if you can, it's some rough crap that'll just hurt your ass...you go in, take a shit, wipe, and you come out with a bloody ass!" i was literally in tears.

Dear Amy: I have been married for 40 years. A couple of years ago I found out my husband was cheating on me. I have learned that he has been unfaithful to me during almost all of our marriage.

He claims to love this other woman but says he loves me too, and he keeps going back and forth between us, swearing he will never see her again and that he doesn’t love her anymore (lies).

Our two grown daughters will not associate with their father anymore. I have lost friends and faced scorn from family because I keep trying to save the marriage for the sake of the family.

My husband has left me several times to be with this other woman but keeps coming back for various reasons, and I keep taking him back because I believe him. He says he loves me, but I think he doesn’t want to lose our friends, family and lifestyle.

There is no trust or intimacy or real affection between us anymore. I do not want to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for all my life, and if I divorce, the other woman will get half of that.

I don’t know if I love him, but I want to stay with him. I have gone for counseling but that does no good. My friends and family think I should walk away from the marriage because a leopard does not change its spots, but I don’t know how to end it after so many years. I keep clinging to the situation hoping it will improve. It won’t get better, will it? What should I do? -- Betrayed

Dear unable to recognize an obvious pattern,

Aaaaaaaaaaare you that dumb? FOR FORTY YEARS HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU.  And you're like "nah he's different this time you guys i swear!"...what are you, a teenage girl dating the football captain? What is this, some shitty teenpop abc sitcom? No.  It isn't.  This is real life. *knock knock* "who is it?" "it's your cable dude...i wanted to know if i can offer one complete service between you and your neighbor but charge you both full price" "HELL NO fuck you get the fuck out!" See this is an analogous situation where you wouldn't even think twice about rejecting, but for FOUR FUCKING DECADES you were like "no he loves me he said so!" god. damn. it.  Divorce, bail, gtfo.  Your daughters have, your family is confused as hell as to why you're still there...good god woman what's wrong with you.

Dear Amy: I am a soon-to-be divorced middle-age man.

My daughter has a boyfriend, and I have known his mother since we were both teenagers. She has been divorced for five years.

We’ve had this unspoken thing for each other for over 30 years. We met for drinks and hit it off, just talking about our kids. Is it wrong to take it to the next level? -- Wondering Dad

Dear where is the problem in all of this i dont even understand,

No.

Dear Amy: I could really relate to the letter from “Tired,” who had the misfortune to work in a place where loud music destroyed his/her ability to concentrate.

I had a similar problem at work. I find that any music with lyrics is extremely distracting.

We solved this problem by everyone in my section agreeing to turn the overhead music off. Those that still wanted music were permitted to bring their own sources in and either play it at an extremely low volume or use earphones — as long as it didn’t interfere with our work or our interaction with customers.

It was a peaceful solution. -- Earful

Dear i think someone invented a private listening mechanism you retard,

They're called headphones.  Generally, they contain the noise to the individual wearing them.  That way everyone can listen/not listen to their own music in their own peace.  Unless you're from 1873, there is no reason that you fucking morons should feel accomplished about what you just did.  You are a waste of the CHNOPS elements, and I wish I could give your salary to someone who deserves it.  I hate you with the intensity of a thousand burning Suns.

#10DaysOfRaleigh #EmiratesCup2013 #ArseneWenger'sRedArmy

He also was a severe alcoholic and dabbled in the art of seducing prostitutes

Good advice, Ben-ihana.  Seems rather appropriate here, no?

#11DaysOfRaleigh

Ron Weasley uses "miles" and it bothers me so much more than it should

Yeah pretty much.  Youre british mate use kilometers, not miles.  When you lost the Revolutionary War, you should have read the Treaty of Paris...among other things, you gave up the right to use "pounds" (as a unit of weight, specifically.  congrats on 'winning' that point of contention regarding your money) and "miles"/"feet"/"inches"/etc.

I'd like to rant more about other things on my mind, but this first question...oh god this first question

Dear Amy:Dear Amy: Three years ago, my (then) 35-year-old sister-in-law (who lives with my mother-in-law) referred to my 9-year-old and her 9-year-old cousin as "bitches," "brats" and other words that I would have preferred my daughter had never heard.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back, and my husband and I have not allowed our children to go back without our presence.

I would like an apology given to my child, and have made this known, but I am told I am creating drama. I've been told that my sister-in-law did not really mean what she said, and my child and her cousin did not hear it anyway.

If you tell me to let bygones be bygones, then I will certainly do that. But if not, do you have some advice for me to give to my daughter? She does not want to see her aunt or her grandmother because she says they were always mean to her and her cousin anyway. I feel I've been harboring resentment for way too long now. — Resentful

Dear you're honestly a pathetic human (for realsies),

Sigh.  Like a good white person, you just ASSUMED your kid and her cousin were innocent of all charges.  It is BEYOND your comprehension that those two couldn't POSSIBLY have been acting like 'bitches' or 'brats' or waaaah waaaah some other mean nasty hurtful word waaaaah waaaaah.  Nope, just like every other fucking mother "my child is a goddamn angel and could never do anything mean to anyone ever! s/he's the perfect child!" no you whoremonger youre child is perfectly capable of being an assclown.  Did you even bother asking the sisterinlaw WHY she used those names (aka FUCKING COMMUNICATION.  HOLY GOD WHITE PEOPLE FOR ALL THE TALKING YOU DO YOU DON'T SEEM TO DO THE APPROPRIATE TALKING DO YOU FFS)? Nope just assumed she was off her rocker and your child was flawless and faultless.  You've "been told" she didn't really mean it...you didn't even bother asking? I think we need to revoke your right to your uterus...clearly for you we can say parenthood #notevenonce.  And your husband...? what was he doing? he also cried waaah waaah someone said mean things waaah waaaah this ruins our unnecessary 90000 sq ft 450k home and gated community lifestyle waaaah waaaah yeah fuck you.

Also, how pathetic are you? "If you tell me to let bygones be bygones, then I will certainly do that" WHAT THE FUCK? who do you think Amy is? SHE IS SOME RANDOM HUMAN WHO HAS NO ACTUAL AUTHORITY OR CREDIBILITY.  She's basically a $200/hr shrink who offers her services for free because she is too shitty a therapist (teeheehee the rapist) to get a 'real' gig.  What's wrong with you? Seriously? It's one thing to ask advice, and a complete other thing to say "screw my thoughts, WHAT DO YOU THINK? i'm gonna do what you tell me because i'm a vapid useless empty vessel of a human"...ugh this is alarmingly pathetic.  Waah waaaah mommy grandma and aunty were mean to me waaaah waaaaaah well daughter its ok we'll just go blame them anyway...for all we know you were kick grandma in and destroying aunty's kitchen but i dont care lets blame them anyway #whenindoubt #blamesomeoneelse

ugh.

Dear Amy: I've got a morbidly obese mother, but I don't know how to gently ask her to lose weight. She has all sorts of incorrect beliefs about her own weight, i.e., she can't exercise because of bad knees, she's big boned, she's not that fat, she has to keep her blood sugar up, etc. Help, Amy. I don't want to see her die. How can I address this? — Worried


Dear budi's child,

SHE'S NOT FAT SHE'S DENSE.

But seriously budi's metabolism is fucking intense.  It's phelpsian, is what it is.

Dear Amy: I read with interest your answer to "Suzi" on the requirement to love members of your family.

I was an only child, so I never had an issue with siblings.

When I married and had four sons, I had to face the situation with them. I taught them that they didn't have to love or even like each other just because they were brothers.

I did insist that they had to respect each others' privacy, belongings and person. I would not tolerate name calling or hitting or fighting.

To this day that premise still holds true. They don't all always like each other but there is still respect. They support each other in times of need and cheer for each other in good times. — Happy Mother

Dear only child (aka after you your parents were like NEVER AGAIN #notevenonce),

I like you.  Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to love them.  Yes.  Mutual respect? Psaah that's nonsense.  You have to earn respect, you don't get it just because you're related - it might (and probably should) be easier, but you still have to earn respect.  Not terribly sure why you wrote in, but that's alright, you're still the closest thing to a sane intellectual (and that includes you, amy) i've seen in a week or so of doing this.  You made up for shitferbrains at the top.

Dad is supertense about google interview...I tried to calm him down but I found some salted cashews so I got distracted...I fucking LOVE salted cashews.  There are very few things I won't do for salted cashews.  #fuckyeah #cashewlove  if someone came up to me and said you get a million dollars but you can't have cashews for the rest of your life or you'll die...i'd probs have to reject that.  cashews are awesome.

#AnditsAr-se-nal #Ar-se-nal-FC #We'reAnAb-oveAverageTeam #TheWorldHasEverSeen

#FORTHELOVEOFYAHWEHSTOPBEINGJEWISHARSENEWENGER #capslock #hashtagsareawesome