So, as a proxy for Brett to "converse" with Sam, I got to witness...something. It was by far one of the strangest conversations I've ever been privy to. Here's basically what was said (word for word as much as possible, and you can confirm that because I know how to spell. I'm Indian (surprise! (omg parentheception)), and I think we've established we're good at spelling):
B: "you don't miss me you miss my dick"
S: "he has one?"
B: "its black no wonder you missed it"
S: "All i know about brett and dicks is that he enjoys drawing them"
B: "can't believe you didn't say anything about fingerpainting"
S: "well i try to be a bit more understanding of his "degree" than alex"
B: "can't believe you're firing about useless degrees"
S: "i have a job lined up, my degree is far from useless, and i guess he has to distract himself from this embaressment by his team somehow"
B: "i like it when you talk dirty"
S: "i like to give a hopeless artist decent material to work with"
B: "I hope your kids are ugly, if your genes are any indicator"
S: "and that is why I excelled at human bio and you finger paint distorted people I can tel Alex and I will have great looking kids"
B: "no, alex and I would have better looking kids, and you thuckth more than andy, and he sucks a lot right now"
S: "Dont understand that last bit, but I dont think brett has seen a mirror lately if he has any hope for his offspring but while he goes off to bed alone with his fingerpainting and shity team, alex and I are going to bed"
B: "It must be nice to have an early bedtime I hope I can wake up tomorrow and do alex's laundry!"
S: "I would take the useless housewife jab as an insult, but then I remember Brett hasnt seen my engagment ring and that as I said before, come fall I have a real job lined up"
B: "pawning your engagement ring isn't a job
S: "A pawn shop couldnt afford my ring and neither are drawing artsy homeless men signs a real job"
B: "I'm secretly jealous of you and wish you were marrying me"
S: "Then you should have been a hockey playing canadian engineer....but alas like every other girl you have tried to have a conversation with I am bored and going to bed :) sweet dreams"
B: "You're right narcoleptics aren't really my thing"
I tried to stay neutral, because I have a Ph. D in "digging your own grave" and an M.D. with a specialization in foot-from-mouth removal, but dear lord, when Brett said "pawning your engagement ring isn't a job" I lost my mind. That shit was too hilarious.
God as my witness, I'm going to miss Brett the most. Sorry guys, for what its worth, you're all mostly tied for second. Jayden, you came in 7th billion place, but a hearty congratulations for 4 years of McDonald's! And thanks to Stephen, we can confirm that it was 4 years of working at McD's, not (as Brett thought), eating there continuously for 4 years.
But on the plus side, I did have a beastly game on the boards when we ran some 5s earlier that evening. And I also realized that if I weren't Indian, I would start most conversations with brown peeps by saying "Hey Mowgli, where's Baloo?"
Oh, and if anyone says that to me, I'll shove Jungle Book up your ass. And then mercilessly insult Canada, because dear lord the Queen still technically rules your "country" and your NHL franchises blow. There has to be a reason Colorado won the cup the year after they left Canada.
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