Then I think about classes I have to take to graduate, and I just start crying - but not real crying, cuz I'm a man and men don't cry. Except for during Hotel Rwanda, because that was ohmigod depressing as all hell. On the serious, Britain, who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to let you split up your empire? It was like they found a specialneeds kid, got him drunk, gave him a paper map and scissors and said "ello guvnah we gots some tea'n'croompets fer ya on the barbie so just do a real good joob and we'll see aboot those fish'n'chips from the ol' cockney shop down the way, but be sure to MIND THE GAP you tosspot!"
And then Ron Weasley came by, but not really Ron Weasley, cuz if it were really Ron Weasley he wouldn't have shown up at all. Because counting on Ron to do something useful is, generally speaking, a Hail-Mary gamble that you use when you're down two goals in the 90' and you have to pull your goalie. Let's be real, you see the 5th youngest redhead child in a family, and you know at that point his genes are coming from the recessive sides of the Punnett square. But yeah, apart from a chess game his first year, and mimicking (read: NOT ORIGINAL CONTENT) Harry's parseltongue at the end of the 7th book, he doesn't do much:
1 - he befriends a random orphan. Seriously, don't %^&$#%&^!@!%#$ talk to strangers, kids.
2 - his wand snaps, his car flies into the woods, his sister opens the chamber of secrets, he loses his wand to FREAKING gilderoy lockhart
3 - it comes to light that he's been harboring a known criminal for more than a decade, he breaks his leg which causes the fellas to lose track of peetah pettigruuuh and lose him...again, he torments hermione and that's just a crime against humanity
4 - turns his back on 'arry when 'arry needs 'im the most, verbally abuses hermione (theres a weird trend here) during the 'ule 'all, he takes an Indian to the aforementioned 'ule 'all and ditches her (nobody harms Indians on my watch, for I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. Oh and he gets himself drowned in a lake, during the triwizard tourney. And is a jealous asswipe like the WHOLE TIME.
5 - gets attacked by brains. I didn't quite understand that part, and the movie didn't image-ify it for me, but just let that sink in. Homeboy got attacked by brains, which generally speaking, don't work if they're not "connected" to humans. More shit happens in this book, but I think the brain attack is enough for this one
6 - he eats a love potion, gets poisoned, nearly dies, falls in love with lavender in the worst romance since whatever unholy situation got voldy's parents together, pisses off Hermione (again...)...oyvey, ronnie, get your shit together
7 - throws the biggest hissyfit in the history of the world (even when hitler reneged on the molotov-ribbentrop pact stalin wasn't this pissed), ditches 'arry and 'ermy to go home while they roughed it on in freaking england, but once he comes back he finally helps for the first time in SEVEN YEARS.
I can think of a certain Indian who is far more useful, helpful and intelligent. Where is my Hermione, I want one.
Alrighty, so like a good programmer, I have to un-recurse through this mess to figure out what just happened.
Okay, so i brought up ron, because Rupert Grint seems pretty awesome, and I brought him up because he has an icecream truck where he gives kids icecream. Not even gonna mention how much of a recruiting advantage he would give Penn State - whoops just did. You can play at my HAPPY VALLEY, if you know what I mean.
But right, kids with free icecream. So I brought that up, because Mr. (or Mrs., this is the 21st century) SpeshulNeads just went to town splitting up the British Empire, and deserves a reward (as if ruining two entire continents for the rest of eternity wasn't enough of a prize). And we brought that up, because...
Oh, because Hotel Rwanda. Damn that's a depressing movie.
Bringing us full circle to the Arshavin pic. Always classy, always appropriate, always from the heart.
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