Happy Father's Day, I think

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day.  This probably means nothing to you since when I asked you about it you thought today was "Flag Day, or some other nutty holiday Americans use to not do work" (although if I remember correctly Flag Day was like Friday or something, so you got the month right).  But if it weren't for you, I'd probably be nicer, quieter, happier, friendlier, have less trust issues, be less penny-wise, have healthier interactions with other people, and be less mean.  So from the bottom of whatever vapid organ keeps me alive at this moment, thank you.  I can't imagine being nice like John or Bassil, it sounds painful and hard.  So thanks for that.  Thank you for your biases, as well.  I hate Bank of America, Phil Mickelson, Alan Greenspan and Shell for unexplainable reasons.  I literally have no idea why.  It bothered me for a while, then I realized that my lifeforce is powered by negativity and a sarcasm-based photosynthetic-esque process, so it's also been a win on that front.

We have a relationship that Zeus would be proud of: I am Sissyphus, and you are the rock that is always crushing every part of me.  If it turns out that Sissyphus isn't the bruh doomed to roll that rock up the hill, then fuck this and fuck you too.  Thanks to massive amounts of miscommunication, I am a Chemical Engineer, something neither of us wanted, and clearly I'm going to be using this degree so very well.  You're also supermad at me for some other guy crashing into me.  It wasn't my fault, nothing happened to the insurance, and the other dude apologized profusely and accepted all blame (and paid for damages), and somehow it's my fault.  This is like blaming Obama for Pearl Harbor.  Flawed analogy? Sure.  But give Fox some time and I'm sure they'll find some connection.

THIS JUST IN.

OBAMA? "FROM" HAWAII.

PEARL HARBOR? IN HAWAII.

BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR? COMMENCED US OPERATIONS IN WW2

2008 WHEN OBAMA WAS ELECTED? WE WERE AT WAR WITH IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN

WHO BOMBED PEARL HARBOR? JAPAN (BUT THE TITLE "TORA TORA TORA" SOMEHOW IMPLIES A JEWISH CONNECTION.  I'M NOT BLAMING MOSSAD, BUT...)

WHERE ARE IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN? ASIA

JAPAN? ALSO IN ASIA!

COINCIDENCE OR NOT? WE REPORT, YOU DECIDE

Don't remember my original point...but yeah thanks Dad.  Because of you, I am who I am today, and it honestly could have turned out worse.

But instead I'm going to get a series of degrees in Nuclear Engineering, then when WW3 starts I'm defecting to India.

#ComeAtMeNSA
#ReadMyBlogNSA

(But seriously NSA that's a joke.  I'm not one of the moronic individuals freaking out about this Snowden shit, because a) WOAH BIG SURPRISE! and b) no one complaining is interesting enough to spy on c) I hate the ACLU and NAACP, they get in the way of REAL PROGRESS ffs, but just in case you catch some buzzwords, you can never be too sure)

ARSHAWIN OUT.

Oh, and shuck it UNC.  Shuck it long, shuck it hahrd.