Two days ago I realized that an individual line is not quite as useful (aka hard to figure out) compared to an entire section, so I'm gonna start doing that. Also this is really hard to understand, and I have a lot of other menial tasks going on, so my super special deluxe analyses will probably come every now and then.
Da Main Helpa Guys Fo Da Church
8 Da main helpa guys fo da church, same ting. Dey gotta be solid kine peopo, so dat da odda peopo get respeck fo dem, an dey gotta mean wat dey say. Dey no drink plenny. Dey no do shame kine stuff fo get plenny money ony fo demself. 9 Dey know da kine stuff bout Jesus dat befo time was secret, an dey trus um, jalike us, an stick wit um, an do um wit clean heart. 10 You gotta check um out real good first, so you can know fo shua dey no do notting wrong. If dey do da right ting, den dey can come da main helpa guys fo da church.
11 Da wahines, same ting. Dey gotta be solid kine peopo, so dat da odda peopo get respeck fo dem. Dey no can talk stink bout da odda peopo. Dey no drink plenny cuz dey gotta stay in charge a demself. Everybody know dey goin do wat dey suppose to.
12 Da main helpa guys ony can have one wife. Dey gotta handle dea kids an dea own ohana da right way. 13 Da guys dat awready stay da main helpa guys, an do um good, everybody tink good bout um. Dey no scared fo talk bout Jesus, da Spesho Guy God Wen Send, cuz dey trus him, an dey know wat dey talking bout.
So this is about the peeps that lead the Church, I think. They gotta be good people that command the respect of others, and actually follow through on what they say. The irony here is quite apparent when you think about modern day church elder peoples touching little boys. I think there are other ways to command the respect of your constituents than through sexual dominance coughSANDUSKYcough. It also seems that they can't drink plenty, which is also funny considering every sermon involves wine. Hah yeah okay. You tell me that the wine is the blood de Christ, and then expect to maintain a certain level of sobriety. Cannibalism aside, that seems like a flawed system. "Hey Jim-Bob, this shit right here, this shit right here, this shit right here is THE BLOOD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR."
Actually, now that I think about it, if someone told me red wine (or white wine if you're doing the whole blood-plasma thing, I guess) was the blood of someone, I probs wouldn't touch that with a 39 and a half foot long pole. Okay so maybe the not drinking part is easy.
But then again, how does a grown man decide to touch little boys on his own? That's not a stab at Michael, that's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho I go a little bit crazy sometimes. #ChikaChikaSlimShady
Anyhoo, so yeah. So homeboys can't also do things for money HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHA
AHHHH
YEAHHHH
a) Christianity founded by a Jew.
b) Indulgences. What else needs to be said, Mr. Tetzel?
c) Tithing. Yup yup.
These speshul peepel need to follow what Jesus said, cuz he made it clear how to live ya life, HEYYY EYYY EYY just live your life! woah! eyyyy eyyyy eyyy. Apparently he co-produced Paper Trail, which is fine by me. No idea what "clean heart" means but it probably has to do with the fact that JC had low cholesterol or something. And basically once you find these peeps, you gotta run em through some drills to make sure they're okay. You gotta send em on a scavenger hunt where money is buried in the ground, and the people who "win" break the part about the no money. And then you use all that money to go barhopping, and all those people who make it to the end are also out, because clearly they can handle their liquor. And then you take the passed out poor "winners" to a preschool for naptime, and those that don't freak out when they wake up are also kicked out for pedophilia. Those that are left are the champions of the Vatican Olympics.
Now I think 'wahines' refers to womenfolk, but I don't know if this is all XX-havers, or just those married to the people running the church. The latter is interesting, for I thought that church elders couldn't be married. Maybe thats just el popo. Either way they gotta be good people who aren't hated, and don't talk trash and stuff (yeah good luck with that, Timmyboy) with selfcontrol (hmmmm...) and they gots to be trustworthy.
And these men can only have one wife, so it really makes you wonder what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were up to when they read this part of the Bible...they were probably like "hmmm nah let's just white out this part." So the next time you Mormon-converting asswipes come to my door, if you can explain Timoty 3:12 to me, I'll fucking convert on the spot. Elderify me, Scotty! And they gotta be good fathers and husbands. Good thing the Bible says this.
No comments:
Post a Comment