Bible Verse Of The Day

Gonna start a bit earlier, even though Da Jesus Book isn't here yet, but thanks to the internet we can start a bit earlier.  And people who do read el Bible-o, if you get mad at me just call me and we can argue about religion.  That will only end well for you.  I've read enough rightwing websites to see that a primary argument for Christianity vs. Islam/Judaism is "it came first."  But Glenn Beck, don't let me spoil history for you by reminding you of a little land called...Indiana? No, wait...no, India.  Yeah, that's it.  You know, the one that eats pop-maize instead of popcorn and throws spears and got sent to Oklahoma...ugh, no, wrong again.  OH I GOT IT, the one that was alive and kicking for millenia.  Got it.

Today's verse comes from Fo Da Hebrew Peopo Chapter 8 Verse 6:

But da priest kine stuff dat Jesus stay doing fo God, dat stuff plenny mo betta den da stuff da odda priest guys stay do. An jalike dat, same ting, Jesus da middle man fo da deal dass plenny mo betta den da first deal. An dat new deal plenny mo betta, cuz God wen make mo betta promises wen he make dat new deal.

Yo so basically Jesus was like MY NIGGAS lemme do this one thing for yall, and he took El Al flight 666 down to Bethlehem around year 1 BC, and 9 months later babang homeboy was born.  And he came and said, "hey dipshits, God is SO PISSED right now, that I'm your main method to communicate with the Big Guy" and basically Jesus had the first communications monopoly.  And only by pleasing Christ (or something) can you get into heaven...by appeasing to JC, you can enter the pearly gates.  But how to do this, you may be wondering? WELL GOOD NEWS! You're not at the whim of some rando, God gave you his "word" which is basically a list of shit you should do to better your chances.  Basically, God gave some rules to give you more lotto tickets, but JC is still the dude picking the pingpong balls, so he's still a crucial piece of this puzzle.  But God is slightly biased towards Israel (its from Fo Da Hebrew Peopo, what did you expect? A justification for the Final Solution? #OyVey), so the Ark of the Covenant was probably created in Tel Aviv or something.  Either that, or Mossad stole it.  Like they do everything.  Seriously Israel the only difference between you and China is that the US owes China money instead of giving it out.  You both shamelessly steal from the U.S., have deepcover spies, and whenever someone is like "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TREASONOUS ARSE DOING" you ball up and cry about the Holocaust some more.  A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE DIED TO, YOU ARROGANT ASSHOLES.  THAT CARD EXPIRED LIKE 40 YEARS AGO, FIND A NEW THING. Holocaust? Over it.  Even HIPSTERS have moved on.  But yeah, the gospel gives all the knowledge, and JC is here to help make it mean something.