So yeah the day started with Caitlin's flight getting delayed, which was awesome because sleeping on a bed a foot too short for me was the best sleep I got for the next three days. Which, in retrospect, wasn't actually hard to achieve, but we'll deal with that later. Got to see bossman, which is always exciting. He only went biking once for the entire three hours I spent with him, which has to be some kind of record.
Here's what the three people in the apartment did Saturday morning: vigorously bike for an hour, run like a mad man around Lake Johnston in a futile attempt to prove that he can, and watch Parks and Recreation. I'll give you three guesses to who did which. You couldn't get this wrong even if you wanted to.
I watched a P+R episode in 21 minutes, but you won't hear me brag about that pace.
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god what a tool
And then we went to Durham. Vitek is one of the smartest people out there, but sometimes this fool makes the DUMBEST decisions. Super popular restaurant in downtown Durham...graduation weekend...somehow no red flags that a reservation is kind of a good idea. And then he doesn't immediately see what waiting an hour to an hour-and-a-half is a bad idea: not necessarily because its a long time, BUT BECAUSE HE HAS TO !(*&&!(#*)@$*#$ GRADUATE. And this guy got a scholarship to Cal fucking Tech. Oy vey.
So I suggest Cosmic's - good food, not a chain restaurant, and something everyone visiting the area (read: Caitlin) should go to. Unless they don't like Mexican food very much (read: Caitlin), in which case someone who knows that (read: me) shouldn't suggest that. Whoops. #YOLO
Why?
BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY
DEFINITELY more on this later
So yeah apparently Duke graduates all load up in the Chapel and have a little ceremony where they all don black robs and chant gregorian tunes whilst walking in a clockwise direction for a few hours before holding their hands over a copy of Coach K's autobiography while chanting about the Holy Trinity - no, not THAT holy trinity of Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but the holy trinity of MILES, MASON and MARSHALL PLUMLEE. THERE IS ONLY ONE KRZYZEWSKI, AND PLUMLEE IS HIS PROHPHET. I'm pretty sure only some of this is wrong.
Actually...yeah, if anything, I'm only underestimating what happens. Stay...odd, Duke.
So yeah what the fuck guys who puts a wedding in Archdale. Archdale is one of those cities that only exists because some dude ran out of gas on the highway, and had to create a new home for himself. He creates a gas station so people don't get stranded like he did, and eventually a McDonalds adds itself to the gas station, and all of a sudden there's an influx of people. And he names it after the iconic McD's arch. You know the sad part? This is actually far more interesting and a better story than the actual history of this damn town.
So yeah, we get to the hotel. Now the original plan was inviting Brett and Raul, just because we've all been bros for years, and a weekend with the four of us hanging out the entire time was gonna be amazing. Now unfortunately Raul is a good student or something and still had finals, so he couldn't make it. So whitey brought Caitlin instead, which was fine, but she sometimes didn't get the inside jokes. But she quickly endeared herself to Brett by critiquing the hell out of John's ability to check in to a hotel. The second a 'stranger' starts joining in on the Down Syndrome jokes...you know it's gonna be a good time.
So yeah this town was not nearly as close to Greensboro as I thought, so we did the only thing we could do: go explore this castle Sam has been psyched about and had been hyping up for months. After some hardcore BMX offroading with Dennis, we found some kind of weird weiner dog shindig going down, and that the castle was really just some building made out of stone. The exterior facade looked dope, especially with the blue pond and the bridges and whatnot...but overall, kind of a major let down. There was no awesome exploring to do. Just some locked doors, but I did explore the kitchen and storage rooms. I thought I needed half a billion ministraws but John claimed I didn't :( This is why we can't have
So we went back to the hotel, right? Because this place sucked, and it started pouring hellaciously, as if Jesus had heard Michael Sam had been drafted and just started crying because GOD HATES FAGS. I wonder if dogs hate figs. Because if they do...how has no one started following WBC around with signs like DOG HATES FIGS or GOD HATES GIFS or anything like that?
So yeah we just started drinking. At 3 in the afternoon. And not even beer...the liquor was flowing like those aforementioned tears of pain regarding gay people being drafted. At this point it wasn't even because Michael Sam is gay...it was just pains of ESPN overplaying coverage of the man. Who gives a flying fuck what he does in his free time. Yeesh. Whatever. Chargers Super Bowl Champions 2015 you heard it here first #boltup
So yeah I found the greatest rule in Circle of Death - gotta talk in an accent. It's been well documented that Indian accents are amusing, but I'll be damned if Brett's Steve Irwin wasn't fucking hilarious. It only caused me to break one lamp in the hotel. It also bruised up my scar, which was awesome. Actually it sucked, because that shit really fucking hurts - in fact, now that I'm not drunk, every part of me hurts - but it was good because I've always been skeptical about how that sledding wound healed...but now I know that the arteries and veins are all there with the neuron synapses firing at all the carboproteins. Yeah I'm pretty good at that biology thing, I know you're jealous of that one bio class I took 9 years ago. My xylems are just super developed. Your xylems are still just phylums...get on my level, people.
And then I left Bassil this amazing voicemail that neither of know nothing about, other than I left it whilst being Indian and after Caitlin was curious what 'alalalalalalalalalalalala' means. I thought she was making some kind of slightly insensitive joke (which is why I decided to call Bassil, of course), but it turns out to be a thing :(
La ilaha illallah = There is no deity but God
Which sounds dope and all, but it makes me wonder why all of the Abrahamic religions hate on multiple deities. All we Indians want to do is peacefully sit around and do our own shit aloen without pissing anyone off, and all of yall come up in here and take shots at us for no reason :( Thousands of years ago when we were all splitting the Earth up...we just went from natural border to natural borders, using those as markers for what we wanted, and then we quit. From the Indian ocean to the Himalayas and the Hindu Kush to the Bay of Bengal. That was our land - there was land like it, but that land was ours. We just wanted to sit alone and do our own peaceful shit. Then on every level people bothered us. I don't know how we got onto this topic, because I'm sad now :(
Oh right the voicemail. yeah, Bassil hasn't listened to it and so I have no idea what it actually is. I bet it's fucking fantastic though.
But yeah as you might expect, drinking heavily starting at 3 pm will result in peaking drunk-wise before most people eat dinner, and because Archdale has no actual restaurants (that's the excuse I'm going with, not the fact that none of us could drive), we went to the aforementioned McDonald's that lent it's iconic M to this silly little town. Being drunk and an Indian, the obvious solution was to get there as fast as possible and to take full advantage of being a pedestrian. If I have right of way, why not use it? That seems logically sound to me. Plus the whole thing where we would get there faster if we ran. But all of you white people were taught to look both ways before crossing the street, like some kind of pansy-ass weaklings. In a drastic exaggeration of religion...if God didn't want me to get to McDonald's, he would have forced a car to hit me no matter how fast I was travelling or in what path I took to get there. I believe in a predefined destiny only because that seems to offer a pre-made excuse for EVERYTHING.
Oh and lost in all of this was the inevitable series of NHL01 Brett and I played. Leading us to our second entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"
TEXT "ALLAHU AKBAR ALALALALLALAL GOD IS GOOD GOD IS GREAT GOD LETS ME KILL THE PEOPLE I HATE" TO 865-544-0751
Brett beat me in a series of NHL01 for the first time ever! He started off catching some lucky breaks, winning the first three games by a total of three goals, and injuring Joe, Foppa and Footy as he always does. Then I crushed it in game 4, as is the tradition, and we just assumed I would come back and win games 5-7, as is the tradition. But apparently Brett didn't like the story, and decided to go offscript and won game 5 by a score of 9-0. I tried every goalie available...and they all sucked. Every one of them. Fuck that shit. I will admit that the drinking game we played during it - every time either one of us yelled 'drink' we took a drink - but all things considered it is a bit shocking it took Brett five years to win a series in NHL01. Definitely not going to win, but it was pretty shocking.
And for those of you curious...that's the phone number for the local FBI field office. I won't lie to you - I really like these categories I'm creating for each event.
And then naturally everybody was exhausted and tired before most people even START drinking. I'd like to think that the day drinking was inspired by me, but I would be taking credit away from this empty barren wasteland of a town.
The only fucking conscious person left at this time. Key word being 'conscious' and not 'sober'. Whatever man don't judge me/them/us YOU DIDNT SPEND AS MUCH TIME IN ARCHDALE AS WE DID /sobs/
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. THIS IS THE NIGGA I'M FORCED TO DEAL WITH. AS YOU CAN SEE, HE HAS EVERY FUCKING PILLOW AND SHEET ON THE GOD DAMN BED, AND IS CURRENTLY LOCKED INTO MOST OF THE LAND SPACE ON SAID BED, INCLUDING PRIME POSITIONING TO CONQUER THE REST OF IT. THIS IS THE SHIT I HAD TO DEAL WITH. THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE. THIS SON OF A BITCH. THIS PIECE OF SHIT. THIS GOD DAMN WANKER. THIS STEVE IRWIN SHIT OF A LEMUR. FUCK YOUR ZABOOMAFOO LOVING AUSTRALIAN ORGANIC SET OF HOLES.
So yeah. I pay for half the room and get zero of the bed. Whatever man I totally enjoy sleeping with half my body on the floor, fighting your dumb ass for a pillow only to lose it in the middle of the night. Ugh. The joke's on you because the pizza I gave you in the morning had been sitting in our tornado disaster zone of a room for 18 hours. At least I think the joke's on you.
Actually now that I think about it, you got a free pizza plus an amazing sleep on a comfy bed I paid for. How did you do this to me. How did I get out-Ashwin'd by someone. Dammit I'm slipping. Time to double-down on my efforts to be like me. Although I did skirt with public intoxication for a few hours on Sunday...hmmm. Well either way now I feel less bad about ending up with one of those delivery bags Papa John's uses.
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