Lol probably not but we'll give it our best shot! Now where were we...oh right getting ready for the wedding. So on the realsies, I'm mad nervous about this. Like super nervous. Didn't want to be the reason the wedding went wrong. Because I don't think I need to (aka there's just so much shit that even if I wanted to, I just physically couldn't list it all) explain the Sam-Ashwin relationship. It's like...well it's like the post-Yugoslavia history of the Balkans. Shit was tenuous, then a fucking hellacious war broke out, and now we're kind of in a peace. Admittedly the peace in the Balkans is because we've un-homogenized the region and every ethnic group is kind of in their own place - which hilariously goes against everything we learned in the US growing up - but shit is still tense as fuck there. And that middle part with the massacre at Srebrenica and the complete destruction of Sarajevo is the part we just kinda ignore. And all the war crimes by Milosevic and Karadzic. Man the whole fallout from Yugoslavia is just depressing. I just bought this amazing book on the Bosnian Massacre that I'm excited to read in a 'oh god why are humans so terrifyingly horrible' kind of way. That's why it's on my mind. My original analogy involved the IRA and the Catholics and Protestants, but I wasn't sure which one I was, and so I went to the backup analogy. I think here I'm Bosnia, but those of you who haven't read into as much as me...just let me have this. I am absolutely the victim here of false pretense and complete overreaction, much like Bosnia was the field that the Serbs and Hrvatskans (let's be real, Croatia sounds straight retarded compared to Hrvatska) danced on with their heavy artillery.
Alright you know what fuck it. Let's just pretend there was a good analogy somewhere in there. So I was mad nervous, but I couldn't let anyone else know, so while they saw me casually drink one before ("to calm the nerves", I said), I absolutely chugged two more of the remaining bathroom beers. And this was on a more or less empty stomach (yeah I wasn't gonna fucking eat that pizza. That shit was still sitting there. Alright fine maybe I would have eaten it...but I didn't really have the time. People were rushing me places all afternoon. Not even ONE 'hey ashwin thanks for driving everywhere today i know it's been a mad rush once we realized that there was a potential time crunch and we just wanted to appreciate your chauffeur services'. Nope. Just "HEY ASHWIN HURRY THE FUCK UP AND TIE YOUR TIE WE GOT PLACES TO GO" "HEY ASHWIN YOUR WRAPPING PAPER IS FALLING APART WHAT THE HELL MAN GET IT TOGETHER" "HEY ASHWIN YOURE GONNA BE THE ONLY COLORED PERSON THERE HAHAHAH WE MIGHT KILL YOU". okay so yeah that last thought may have just been in my head, but let's be real. If dreadlocks hadn't been there...okay i think this sidebar had an open parenthetical somewhere time to find it and return to the storyline there it is), so after 3 beers in a 10 minute span I was running a healthy buzz. Just enough to appear completely normal but without the internal pains.
You know, in 15 years when I turn up dead in a ditch, yall are gonna look back at these 'playful quips' while shrieking to yourself "OH SHIT THESE WERE THOSE CLICHED WARNING SIGNS YOU HEAR ABOUT". So yeah. Joke's on you, sucker! #fuckingroasted
So yeah just waiting for the free DD service yadigg! Cuz we had driven out to Castle McSucksDick and I didn't want to grace that sham of a castle with Dennis' presence. Dennis is too good for Castle McWankersOnly.
So I took an hour break for lunch, and suddenly remembered this. Now a good author would go back, and read through it all to see where s/he is, and how to continue. But that sounds hard, so I'm just gonna read the last word I wrote, which was McWankersOnly. Brilliant.
So..yeah, the castle. I've already expressed my disappointment at it. No need to go over that again, I would hope. But at least it still was a castle, right? We could at least pretend we were in Hogwarts, and the Priest was Dumbledore, and we were at the Great Hall and blah blah blah all that good shit.
WRONG.
We were outside underneath a hugeass tent, near Castle McDonald's - now admittedly the water was super blue and and the river-esque body of water near the castle was pretty awesome. But...at least me personally, where I was seated, I just had a good view of some trees and some hag's ridiculous hairdo in front of me.
Oh, and did I mention that this WHOLE TIME Smokie (and apparently his entire family? He told his entire family this? Seriously? He has absolutely spent more time talking to his parents about my social life than I have ever communicated with my own parents about non-academic matters. Is that what it's like to be white? Actually bonding with your parents? THAT SEEMS SO WEIRD. But then again having some sort of weird PTSD-childhood is probably not conducive to that sort of family dynamic. But then again-again, none of you beat your children...and there are a lot of people in this world who should have been beaten as children. Hah how's this for a morose topic? Fuck is this still another soliloquy that's been going on? I need to start writing these in some kind of coding IDE that will highlight parenthesis for me. This is ridiculous where the fuck are youuuuuuuuuu) found it. Okay so yeah Alex's mother was like amazingly stoked for me. Like she was at levels of joy I didn't even know people could get to. And I've reached 'run-around-campus-barefoot-with-an-Indian-flag-while-singing-loudly' level of happiness. She was just so goddamn happy. There was that proverbial twinkle in her eye. I'm 99% sure I could have told her that her daughter had just passed away in a freak hair-straightner accident and she still would have been grinning like a lobotomy post-op patient. Apparently they were all stoked to meet my +1.
Like holy shit stoked.
OMG levels of stoked.
Let's fucking annex Poland levels of stoked.
Now some of you may be thinking "damn who is this chica? She must be some kind of goddess." To those of you, I offer my most sincerest "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
To the rest of you...you know exactly who I'm talking about.
I'm talking about Brett.
Now this is the part that I love. To me, and presumably the rest of you, we were thinking about how great this was gonna be. And, don't get me wrong, it absolutely was. It was everything I dreamed it could be, and more. Now you're thinking "nahhh, how could it have been MORE? It was bloody perfect!". Well let me tell you. Apparently Okie's folks are good friends with Brett's parents, and as such they couldn't invite Brett without inviting his parents, and vice versa.
do you see where this is going? I REGRET NOTHING
And because (supposedly...I believe this as much as Alabama believes in evolution #rolltide) Sam couldn't get in touch with Brett...they decided to invite neither. There are so many holes in this logic that they call it the Swiss Cheese Argument. It is just so simpleminded that I can't even comprehend it.
To play Devil's Advocate...if you didn't want to invite Brett, that's fine. Just don't put on a huge charade about how you tried, and the groom's family is such good friend's of Brett's etc etc. I don't have many rules, but I'm a pretty strong advocate of not lying.
Now you may be gasping and shaking your head back and forth. Calm down, take a breath, and think. Have I ever lied to you? No? Good. If I have...I honestly don't remember it. I probably had a good reason, because I don't really see the point in explicitly lying. It's not my style. I would point out that I have lied through 'lies of omission', but it would have been ironically accurate if I don't. So pretend you didn't read that.
What I DO do though (hehehe doodoo) is manipulate. It's not a good trait, I know...and I want to stop, believe me...but it works out in my favor! I win every time! I get my way! And doesn't love getting my way.
Regardless my point is that I told Sam I met this chick once, and then the hopeless romantic (emphasis on 'hopeless') in her took over and just fucking ran with it. Frankly, her excitement was what led to the Brett plan. So I'm just gonna put this one on her. Yeah, that seems logically stable. And every time she asked, I just changed the subject. Which somehow built her up in Sam's mind even more? Look, I'm no biologist. But what the fuck happened on that second X chromosome? The first one was fine - everyone was doing okay, great even. But then...that second one. What the hell happened. The complete opposite of synergy.
Maybe it's just me. It's probably just me. /reflects more/ Yeah it's just me.
Holy shit what was my point in all of this. OH RIGHT. So yeah it turns out that not only was Sam not thrilled by Brett's presence....Alex's mother was downright not happy with me. She was legitimately heartbroken the +1 wasn't a chica...and then even more unhappy that it was Brett, for all of the political reasoning I mentioned earlier. Luckily I was drunk as fuck (#openbar #hitthatshitlikechrisbrownonrihanna #hey-o), so I just employed the strategy I use to perfection with my own family. I THINK she busted out the "we're not mad we're disappointed" line, but I can't remember for sure. I never understood what her gameplan was. Nothing she could do was going to make any lasting impression, other than "THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA".
I'm that guy you keep around - you don't necessarily need him around, you might not even want him around...but you keep him around anyway. He's your L'Oreal: because you're worth it.
So yeah, blah blah blah wedding shit. The most interesting part of the wedding was the troll rocking the keyboard. I was just fascinated by him, so I mainly stared at him the whole time. My memories of the actual ceremony are it being incredibly slow - I can't tell if that's a function of the old people walking slow as fuck, the music being slow as fuck, or both. Regardless, it's the troll keyboardist's fault. I can't believe he's married. Good lord. I wonder how much that job pays, actually. Because wedding music seems pretty standard, so I'm 99% sure a dude with an iPod could run a wedding A/V scene. And I'm 100% sure I'm the 1% that would try and slowly sneak more and more un-wedding music (Take The Money And Run, Rock You Like a Hurricane, etc etc) into the ceremony before even the Priest just loses control and goes "HOLY FUCK MAN WHY YOU ARE PLAYING GAELIC FUCKING CHANTS! JESUS CHRIST MAN BAGPIPES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE! CALM YOUR SHIT MONGOLIAN DREAMCATCHER MUSIC IS NEVER THE ANSWER".
But yeah, for the most part I did a good job at the wedding. I didn't sneeze, didn't cough, didn't say anything, took pictures of all the wrong things (except for a few YAFEELME #noregrets), only made a few inappropriate runaway groom jokes (and I think no one overheard me), and stood up and sat down when everyone else did.
Alrighty then. We've briefly started discussing the shitshow that was the reception and we've more or less discussed how Brett's presence pissed off the Bride and the Groom's parents. Note that the Groom was actually okay with it. Bridezillas, mirite?
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