- very religious. Lots of praying and chanting
- several days long. Let me repeat that. SEVERAL FUCKING DAYS LONG.
- huge. gigantic. lots of people. As one would expect with a nation of 1500000000 people (1.5 billion just didn't seem right...writing out all those zeroes makes it way more mindblowing), Indian weddings involve hundreds to even thousands of people. Luckily my father's side of the family has major anger issues (shocker, I know. How unexpected) so their hate overwhelms their desire to invite the locals. But for the most part...effing huge.
- again, super religious. Shocker, I know. A nation with five thousand years of religious history still has traditions steeped in religion. We're like the bible belt, except not inbred, retarded, useless, toothless, can't play the banjo and not drunk on bourbon all the time. Okay, so we're not the bible belt at all.
Truth be told, I can't actually tell you much more than that. There are a lot of individual ceremonies composing the whole wedding process, and so I usually nap through most of it. I can't stress to you how long these damn things are. But the food is good, the ceremonies are lavish, and everyone is dressed up like it's NYE meets Valentine's Day times their birthday to the power of Flag Day. Cuz aint no party like a flag day party cuz a flag day party means you're just looking for any excuse to drink and I think that's probably one of those 'calls for help'. In other news, I'm throwing this dope party on June 14th and you're all invited.
But I guess homeboy does ride in on an elephant, which is pretty fucking cool. Man imagine if an Indian dude married a Jewish chick! I would pay to watch that wedding! So much miscommunication! All the swastikas would confuse that poor girl's family AND IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS! Because Indians are very defensive about our swakstika and how white people ruined THAT too. Dammit guys this is why we can't have nice things. But yeah the post-ceremony dancing and feasting is glorious. Just imagine if these marriages were built on actual love instead of being arranged! Hahaha! Arranged marriages! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh someone shoot me.
So yeah. This is what I'm used to. As for white people weddings...everything I know is based off of Wedding Crashers. So at this point I'm actually super nervous. I successfully have talked Brett into attending, taking on the risk that Sam would be too happy to actually kill me on site. But all I'm doing is thinking about that, so I throw down a few beers (yes I pre-gamed her wedding. NO DONT FUCKING TELL HER THAT) to calm the ol nerves. Oh but before we go any further, we have our final entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"! Now this entry is going to (and frankly, should) win. It should also be discussed with hotel security, because this is a fucking alarming problem.
There's only one Arsene Wenger, bitch.
So yeah. We were hurrying back from the zoo, right? Because we had that whole wedding thing to go to. I was perfectly content with just taking a nap, but I was rocking the minority opinion with Brett, and whenever Brett and I are the only people who support a particular idea, it's safe to assume it's probably not a good idea.
Brett's friend Maciej was gonna stay with us that night, and he got back to the hotel before us. We were hurrying back so we could all shower and get ready and shit, and homeboy hollers at Brett that he's just chilling out in the hall, which is a bit weird, but fine whatever nbd who cares. But no more than five minutes later...Brett gets another text: "hey when you get back if you see some luggage that wasn't there before don't worry".
...
...
...
So naturally this is quite worrying. Is he having a go? He's having a go. There's no way he got into the hotel room, right? I mean...those electronic locks are pretty secure...and there's no way he would actually break the door, right? Because that would just be not good all around...he's definitely having a laugh. That polish bastard. I mean, yeah, John forgot the room key every single time we left the room, but there's no way Maciej could have found it, right? It would still be within the room. There's no way.
I immediately regret not capturing this moment on picture (or even video).
THIS IDIOT IS IN THE ROOM. FUCKIN- WHAT THE FUCKIN. FUCK. WHO THE FUCK FUCKED THIS FUCKING...HOW DID YOU TWO FUCKING FUCKS...FUCK.
Maciej is just standing in the room, smiling like a cheeky little prick. I love the man, but god damn there are a few questions that we need answering. Fuck whatever else we had going on I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT JA RULE MAY NOT KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.
So Brett had told Maciej our room number, and who's name the room was under. That's not exactly confidential information, so you'd hope hotels use slightly more detailed security measures. Seriously? This would be so easy to replicate, if you really wanted to. And think about it...if someone breaks into your hotel room and steals something...it would take a mountain and a half of evidence before you stopped thinking it was room service.
Oh speaking of room service...yeah on behalf of all of us in room 223, surname Nardini...sorry. That lamp needed a new shade, anyway. And trash cans are usually filled with water. And I'm pretty sure by the time you got there, that pizza had spent 36+ hours sitting out on a table. Again...sorry. If you want to dryclean that shirt, feel free to keep it. That blue really makes my eyes pop, so I'm super bummed about leaving that behind.
So yeah. Maciej got into our room by flashing as smile at Roger and knowing our room number and John's last name. I can appreciate that Rogerbhai thought he was doing everyone a favor, and obviously Maciej wasn't a threat of any kind...but jesus christ that's fucking alarming. Oy freaking vey.
So you can understand why I assume this entry would win. Of course, even if at least one person followed any of the three voting instructions, I'm already happy. This third one, fyi, is the 'urgent tip cuz shit going down right now' number for the British MI5. That's why you don't text this one, you send an SMS. "But Ashwin, they're the same! A text IS an SMS!" Well yes, Stephen, you're right. Very good. Gold star for Bossman. But it's Britain. They're fucked up like that. You've all seen Snatch, right?
Fuck I still haven't gotten to the damn wedding. But yeah srsly guys don't tell Sam. kthx. I think she's still mad at me for the Borat joke from three years ago.
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