Even if none of you watched the FA Cup Final...this was still a fucking glorious video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvRTnXaDRjU

This time we'll actually talk about the wedding

Lol probably not but we'll give it our best shot!  Now where were we...oh right getting ready for the wedding.  So on the realsies, I'm mad nervous about this.  Like super nervous.  Didn't want to be the reason the wedding went wrong.  Because  I don't think I need to (aka there's just so much shit that even if I wanted to, I just physically couldn't list it all) explain the Sam-Ashwin relationship.  It's like...well it's like the post-Yugoslavia history of the Balkans.  Shit was tenuous, then a fucking hellacious war broke out, and now we're kind of in a peace.  Admittedly the peace in the Balkans is because we've un-homogenized the region and every ethnic group is kind of in their own place - which hilariously goes against everything we learned in the US growing up - but shit is still tense as fuck there.  And that middle part with the massacre at Srebrenica and the complete destruction of Sarajevo is the part we just kinda ignore.  And all the war crimes by Milosevic and Karadzic.  Man the whole fallout from Yugoslavia is just depressing.  I just bought this amazing book on the Bosnian Massacre that I'm excited to read in a 'oh god why are humans so terrifyingly horrible' kind of way.  That's why it's on my mind.  My original analogy involved the IRA and the Catholics and Protestants, but I wasn't sure which one I was, and so I went to the backup analogy.  I think here I'm Bosnia, but those of you who haven't read into as much as me...just let me have this.  I am absolutely the victim here of false pretense and complete overreaction, much like Bosnia was the field that the Serbs and Hrvatskans (let's be real, Croatia sounds straight retarded compared to Hrvatska) danced on with their heavy artillery.

Alright you know what fuck it.  Let's just pretend there was a good analogy somewhere in there.  So I was mad nervous, but I couldn't let anyone else know, so while they saw me casually drink one before ("to calm the nerves", I said), I absolutely chugged two more of the remaining bathroom beers.  And this was on a more or less empty stomach (yeah I wasn't gonna fucking eat that pizza.  That shit was still sitting there.  Alright fine maybe I would have eaten it...but I didn't really have the time.  People were rushing me places all afternoon.  Not even ONE 'hey ashwin thanks for driving everywhere today i know it's been a mad rush once we realized that there was a potential time crunch and we just wanted to appreciate your chauffeur services'.  Nope.  Just "HEY ASHWIN HURRY THE FUCK UP AND TIE YOUR TIE WE GOT PLACES TO GO" "HEY ASHWIN YOUR WRAPPING PAPER IS FALLING APART WHAT THE HELL MAN GET IT TOGETHER" "HEY ASHWIN YOURE GONNA BE THE ONLY COLORED PERSON THERE HAHAHAH WE MIGHT KILL YOU".  okay so yeah that last thought may have just been in my head, but let's be real.  If dreadlocks hadn't been there...okay i think this sidebar had an open parenthetical somewhere time to find it and return to the storyline there it is), so after 3 beers in a 10 minute span I was running a healthy buzz.  Just enough to appear completely normal but without the internal pains.

You know, in 15 years when I turn up dead in a ditch, yall are gonna look back at these 'playful quips' while shrieking to yourself "OH SHIT THESE WERE THOSE CLICHED WARNING SIGNS YOU HEAR ABOUT".  So yeah.  Joke's on you, sucker!  #fuckingroasted

So yeah just waiting for the free DD service yadigg! Cuz we had driven out to Castle McSucksDick and I didn't want to grace that sham of a castle with Dennis' presence.  Dennis is too good for Castle McWankersOnly.

So I took an hour break for lunch, and suddenly remembered this.  Now a good author would go back, and read through it all to see where s/he is, and how to continue.  But that sounds hard, so I'm just gonna read the last word I wrote, which was McWankersOnly.  Brilliant.

So..yeah, the castle.  I've already expressed my disappointment at it.  No need to go over that again, I would hope.  But at least it still was a castle, right?  We could at least pretend we were in Hogwarts, and the Priest was Dumbledore, and we were at the Great Hall and blah blah blah all that good shit.


WRONG.

We were outside underneath a hugeass tent, near Castle McDonald's - now admittedly the water was super blue and and the river-esque body of water near the castle was pretty awesome.  But...at least me personally, where I was seated, I just had a good view of some trees and some hag's ridiculous hairdo in front of me.


Oh, and did I mention that this WHOLE TIME Smokie (and apparently his entire family? He told his entire family this? Seriously? He has absolutely spent more time talking to his parents about my social life than I have ever communicated with my own parents about non-academic matters.  Is that what it's like to be white?  Actually bonding with your parents?   THAT SEEMS SO WEIRD.  But then again having some sort of weird PTSD-childhood is probably not conducive to that sort of family dynamic.  But then again-again, none of you beat your children...and there are a lot of people in this world who should have been beaten as children.  Hah how's this for a morose topic?  Fuck is this still another soliloquy that's been going on?  I need to start writing these in some kind of coding IDE that will highlight parenthesis for me.  This is ridiculous where the fuck are youuuuuuuuuu) found it.  Okay so yeah Alex's mother was like amazingly stoked for me.  Like she was at levels of joy I didn't even know people could get to.  And I've reached 'run-around-campus-barefoot-with-an-Indian-flag-while-singing-loudly' level of happiness.  She was just so goddamn happy.  There was that proverbial twinkle in her eye.  I'm 99% sure I could have told her that her daughter had just passed away in a freak hair-straightner accident and she still would have been grinning like a lobotomy post-op patient.  Apparently they were all stoked to meet my +1.


Like holy shit stoked.

OMG levels of stoked.

Let's fucking annex Poland levels of stoked.



Now some of you may be thinking "damn who is this chica? She must be some kind of goddess."  To those of you, I offer my most sincerest "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

To the rest of you...you know exactly who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about Brett.

Now this is the part that I love.  To me, and presumably the rest of you, we were thinking about how great this was gonna be.  And, don't get me wrong, it absolutely was.  It was everything I dreamed it could be, and more.  Now you're thinking "nahhh, how could it have been MORE? It was bloody perfect!".  Well let me tell you.  Apparently Okie's folks are good friends with Brett's parents, and as such they couldn't invite Brett without inviting his parents, and vice versa.

do you see where this is going? I REGRET NOTHING

And because (supposedly...I believe this as much as Alabama believes in evolution #rolltide) Sam couldn't get in touch with Brett...they decided to invite neither.  There are so many holes in this logic that they call it the Swiss Cheese Argument.  It is just so simpleminded that I can't even comprehend it.

To play Devil's Advocate...if you didn't want to invite Brett, that's fine.  Just don't put on a huge charade about how you tried, and the groom's family is such good friend's of Brett's etc etc.  I don't have many rules, but I'm a pretty strong advocate of not lying.

Now you may be gasping and shaking your head back and forth.  Calm down, take a breath, and think.  Have I ever lied to you? No? Good.  If I have...I honestly don't remember it.  I probably had a good reason, because I don't really see the point in explicitly lying.  It's not my style.  I would point out that I have lied through 'lies of omission', but it would have been ironically accurate if I don't.  So pretend you didn't read that.


What I DO do though (hehehe doodoo) is manipulate.  It's not a good trait, I know...and I want to stop, believe me...but it works out in my favor! I win every time! I get my way! And doesn't love getting my way.

Regardless my point is that I told Sam I met this chick once, and then the hopeless romantic (emphasis on 'hopeless') in her took over and just fucking ran with it.  Frankly, her excitement was what led to the Brett plan.  So I'm just gonna put this one on her.  Yeah, that seems logically stable.  And every time she asked, I just changed the subject.  Which somehow built her up in Sam's mind even more?   Look, I'm no biologist.  But what the fuck happened on that second X chromosome? The first one was fine - everyone was doing okay, great even.  But then...that second one.  What the hell happened.  The complete opposite of synergy.

Maybe it's just me.  It's probably just me.  /reflects more/  Yeah it's just me.


Holy shit what was my point in all of this.  OH RIGHT.  So yeah it turns out that not only was Sam not thrilled by Brett's presence....Alex's mother was downright not happy with me.  She was legitimately heartbroken the +1 wasn't a chica...and then even more unhappy that it was Brett, for all of the political reasoning I mentioned earlier.  Luckily I was drunk as fuck (#openbar #hitthatshitlikechrisbrownonrihanna #hey-o), so I just employed the strategy I use to perfection with my own family.  I THINK she busted out the "we're not mad we're disappointed" line, but I can't remember for sure.  I never understood what her gameplan was.  Nothing she could do was going to make any lasting impression, other than "THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA".

I'm that guy you keep around - you don't necessarily need him around, you might not even want him around...but you keep him around anyway.  He's your L'Oreal: because you're worth it.


So yeah, blah blah blah wedding shit.  The most interesting part of the wedding was the troll rocking the keyboard.  I was just fascinated by him, so I mainly stared at him the whole time.  My memories of the actual ceremony are it being incredibly slow - I can't tell if that's a function of the old people walking slow as fuck, the music being slow as fuck, or both.  Regardless, it's the troll keyboardist's fault.  I can't believe he's married.  Good lord.  I wonder how much that job pays, actually.  Because wedding music seems pretty standard, so I'm 99% sure a dude with an iPod could run a wedding A/V scene.  And I'm 100% sure I'm the 1% that would try and slowly sneak more and more un-wedding music (Take The Money And Run, Rock You Like a Hurricane, etc etc) into the ceremony before even the Priest just loses control and goes "HOLY FUCK MAN WHY YOU ARE PLAYING GAELIC FUCKING CHANTS! JESUS CHRIST MAN BAGPIPES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE! CALM YOUR SHIT MONGOLIAN DREAMCATCHER MUSIC IS NEVER THE ANSWER".

But yeah, for the most part I did a good job at the wedding.  I didn't sneeze, didn't cough, didn't say anything, took pictures of all the wrong things (except for a few YAFEELME #noregrets), only made a few inappropriate runaway groom jokes (and I think no one overheard me), and stood up and sat down when everyone else did.

Alrighty then.  We've briefly started discussing the shitshow that was the reception and we've more or less discussed how Brett's presence pissed off the Bride and the Groom's parents.  Note that the Groom was actually okay with it.  Bridezillas, mirite?

The Red Wedding

So let me tell you about the weddings I've been privy to.  Indian weddings are:

- very religious.  Lots of praying and chanting
- several days long.  Let me repeat that.  SEVERAL FUCKING DAYS LONG.
- huge. gigantic. lots of people.  As one would expect with a nation of 1500000000 people (1.5 billion just didn't seem right...writing out all those zeroes makes it way more mindblowing), Indian weddings involve hundreds to even thousands of people.  Luckily my father's side of the family has major anger issues (shocker, I know.  How unexpected) so their hate overwhelms their desire to invite the locals.  But for the most part...effing huge.
- again, super religious.  Shocker, I know.  A nation with five thousand years of religious history still has traditions steeped in religion.  We're like the bible belt, except not inbred, retarded, useless, toothless, can't play the banjo and not drunk on bourbon all the time.  Okay, so we're not the bible belt at all.

Truth be told, I can't actually tell you much more than that.  There are a lot of individual ceremonies composing the whole wedding process, and so I usually nap through most of it.  I can't stress to you how long these damn things are.  But the food is good, the ceremonies are lavish, and everyone is dressed up like it's NYE meets Valentine's Day times their birthday to the power of Flag Day.  Cuz aint no party like a flag day party cuz a flag day party means you're just looking for any excuse to drink and I think that's probably one of those 'calls for help'.  In other news, I'm throwing this dope party on June 14th and you're all invited.

But I guess homeboy does ride in on an elephant, which is pretty fucking cool.  Man imagine if an Indian dude married a Jewish chick!  I would pay to watch that wedding!  So much miscommunication!  All the swastikas would confuse that poor girl's family AND IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS! Because Indians are very defensive about our swakstika and how white people ruined THAT too.  Dammit guys this is why we can't have nice things.  But yeah the post-ceremony dancing and feasting is glorious.  Just imagine if these marriages were built on actual love instead of being arranged! Hahaha! Arranged marriages! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh someone shoot me.


So yeah.  This is what I'm used to.  As for white people weddings...everything I know is based off of Wedding Crashers.  So at this point I'm actually super nervous.  I successfully have talked Brett into attending, taking on the risk that Sam would be too happy to actually kill me on site.  But all I'm doing is thinking about that, so I throw down a few beers (yes I pre-gamed her wedding.  NO DONT FUCKING TELL HER THAT) to calm the ol nerves.  Oh but before we go any further, we have our final entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"! Now this entry is going to (and frankly, should) win.  It should also be discussed with hotel security, because this is a fucking alarming problem.

TEXT SHOOT AN SMS TO 0800 789 321 WITH THE MESSAGE "THE PRIME MINISTER IS UNDER A SERIOUS POISON THREAT FROM A BAD BATCH OF FISH'N'CHIPS FROM THE TOTTENHAM DISTRICT!"

There's only one Arsene Wenger, bitch.

So yeah.  We were hurrying back from the zoo, right? Because we had that whole wedding thing to go to.  I was perfectly content with just taking a nap, but I was rocking the minority opinion with Brett, and whenever Brett and I are the only people who support a particular idea, it's safe to assume it's probably not a good idea.

Brett's friend Maciej was gonna stay with us that night, and he got back to the hotel before us.  We were hurrying back so we could all shower and get ready and shit, and homeboy hollers at Brett that he's just chilling out in the hall, which is a bit weird, but fine whatever nbd who cares.  But no more than five minutes later...Brett gets another text: "hey when you get back if you see some luggage that wasn't there before don't worry".

...

...

...


So naturally this is quite worrying.  Is he having a go? He's having a go.  There's no way he got into the hotel room, right? I mean...those electronic locks are pretty secure...and there's no way he would actually break the door, right?  Because that would just be not good all around...he's definitely having a laugh.  That polish bastard.  I mean, yeah, John forgot the room key every single time we left the room, but there's no way Maciej could have found it, right? It would still be within the room.  There's no way.


I immediately regret not capturing this moment on picture (or even video).


THIS IDIOT IS IN THE ROOM.  FUCKIN- WHAT THE FUCKIN.  FUCK.  WHO THE FUCK FUCKED THIS FUCKING...HOW DID YOU TWO FUCKING FUCKS...FUCK.

Maciej is just standing in the room, smiling like a cheeky little prick.  I love the man, but god damn there are a few questions that we need answering.  Fuck whatever else we had going on I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT JA RULE MAY NOT KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.

So Brett had told Maciej our room number, and who's name the room was under.  That's not exactly confidential information, so you'd hope hotels use slightly more detailed security measures.  Seriously?  This would be so easy to replicate, if you really wanted to.  And think about it...if someone breaks into your hotel room and steals something...it would take a mountain and a half of evidence before you stopped thinking it was room service.

Oh speaking of room service...yeah on behalf of all of us in room 223, surname Nardini...sorry.  That lamp needed a new shade, anyway.  And trash cans are usually filled with water.  And I'm pretty sure by the time you got there, that pizza had spent 36+ hours sitting out on a table.  Again...sorry.  If you want to dryclean that shirt, feel free to keep it.  That blue really makes my eyes pop, so I'm super bummed about leaving that behind.


So yeah.  Maciej got into our room by flashing as smile at Roger and knowing our room number and John's last name.  I can appreciate that Rogerbhai thought he was doing everyone a favor, and obviously Maciej wasn't a threat of any kind...but jesus christ that's fucking alarming.  Oy freaking vey.


So you can understand why I assume this entry would win.  Of course, even if at least one person followed any of the three voting instructions, I'm already happy.  This third one, fyi, is the 'urgent tip cuz shit going down right now' number for the British MI5.  That's why you don't text this one, you send an SMS.  "But Ashwin, they're the same! A text IS an SMS!"  Well yes, Stephen, you're right.  Very good.  Gold star for Bossman.  But it's Britain.  They're fucked up like that.  You've all seen Snatch, right?


Fuck I still haven't gotten to the damn wedding.  But yeah srsly guys don't tell Sam. kthx.  I think she's still mad at me for the Borat joke from three years ago.

This state...oh god this state is weird

So Tennessee is 48th in education, full of hill people, kind of racist and generally not as awesome as North Carolina.  If you're a Yankee they already have a natural disposition to hate you, and god have mercy on your soul if you call it the "Civil War".  That was the War of Northern Aggression, god damn it!


But there is a secret to this state.  Don't wear crimson, don't yell "RAWL TAHD YALL" and just sing rocky top.  No matter what your national cultures are...if you can work rocky top into them...shit will be fine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1wB2cu7x-4


What.  The.  Fuck.  These are definitely tears, but I'm not sure whether they are from laughter or pain.



Also this fucking university has changed email hosts and addresses three times in the past 13 months.  Fucking hell, UT, MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND.

Are we:

a) tennessee.edu

b) utk.edu

c) vols.utk.edu

and are we going to use

a) some weird squirrel-mail esque site?

b) FUCKING OUTLOOK

or c) gmail, like the rest of the world?


Holy gods this is frustrating.

LOREM IPSUM

DIDN'T WANT TO FORGET WHAT WHITEY'S SHIRT WAS
IN CASE WE LOST HIM
IRONICALLY ENOUGH
I THINK I NEED MORE ADULT GUIDANCE THAN HE DOES

THESE ARE TWO TURTLES
FUCKING
THESE ARE TWO TURTLES
MAKING LOVE
IN THE ZOO
SHIT WAS HILARIOUS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY HERE
THAT THIS PICTURE DOESN'T ALREADY
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME DONATING MONEY TO RAIN FORESTS
WELL ITS A PICTURE OF JOHNNY
BUT I OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T TAKE A PICTURE OF ME DOING IT
DUHHH
SO YEAH I BOUGHT 90 SQ FT OF RAIN FOREST TO PRESERVE
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU ASSHOLES DOING SUNDAY MORNING?

WE'RE THE RED AND WHITE FROM STATE
AND WE KNOW SOME SHIT ABOUT BEES
HAND BEHIND OUR BACKS
CUZ THE BEES STUNG ALL THE REST
GO TO HELL CAROLINA
DEVILS AND DEACS RUN AWAY
THE BEES ARE MAKING US RED AND WHITE
FROM NC STATE
GO STATE

THIS IS A PHOTO OF SOMETHING REALLY COOL
BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT
BECAUSE SOME DICK OF A CHILD
PUT HIS FOOT IN MY WAY
THAT LITTLE FUCKER

THIS IS AN OCELOT
THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT
BUT SOMEHOW THE ZOO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL
TO JUST HAVE ONE
THIS POOR FELLA IS ALL ALONE

HEY GUYS
I HAVE A JOKE
WHAT DID THE BUFFALO SAY TO HIS SON
RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT FOR COLLEGE
BISON
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I'M TELLING YOU GUYS
I'M A FUCKING RIOT

RUN RALPHIE RUN

TOOK A PICTURE OF THE SUN
IS IT ME
OR DOES THIS ACTUALLY HURT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT
TO LOOK AT
I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL OR NOT
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT CAN ONLY BE AS WHITE AS THE
COMPUTER CAN DISPLAY
YET
IT REALLY HURTS MY EYES

THIS IS A SCREENSHOT
FROM A VIDEO I TOOK
OF THE SKY
...
DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE TO SAY ABOUT THIS
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE

IT'S OLD FAITHFUL!
HAHAH
JK
IT'S NOT
GOTCHA!
#REKT

MORE INDIE ALBUM COVERS
ALTHOUGH
I DID TAKE THIS
TO MAKE SURE I WAS FOLLOWING THE RIGHT PEOPLE
MY EYES WERE REALLY HURTING
FROM STARING AT THE SUN

I TOOK ABOUT A DOZEN PHOTOS OF OTTERS
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY
THE SHITS WERE JUST SWIMMING BACK AND FORTH
NOT DOING ANYTHING EXCITING
I LIKE TO THINK
IT'S FACE ISN'T ACTUALLY AS FURRY AS THE REST OF ITS BODY
ITS JUST SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
MUSTACHEY

TEAM POLAR BEAR, ROLL OUT!

IT'S PIERRE FUCKING MCGUIRE!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHHHHHHHHHH
I BET THIS IDIOT IS LESS ANNOYING TO LISTEN TO
PROBABLY KNOWS MORE ABOUT FASHIONABLE SUITS TOO

Aren't Cameras fun? I can't believe I finally decided to get one.

HOMEY WAS JUST LIKE
YO
I'M HERE
DEAL WITH IT
I'M NOT ACKNOWLEDGING ALL OF YOUR NOISE
FUCK YOU NIGGAS ITS HOT IN THE SUN
IMMA DO THIS SHADE SCENE

THIS GRASS IS FRIGGIN FANTASTIC
HE WAS JOINED BY SOME OF HIS OSTRICHBROS
WHO ALSO THEN FEASTED ON THE GRASS WITH HIM
MUCH LIKE THE GAZELLE
OR WHATEVER THAT OTHER THING WAS
THIS G TOTS IGNORED EVERYBODY
IT WAS ACTUALLY RATHER FUNNY

DO YOU SEE ALL THE RHINOS?
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW EXCITED PEOPLE ARE ABOUT RHINOS?
YEAH
ME TOO
DO YOU FUCKING SEE THEM?
YEAH
EXACTLY.

CONFLICTS BETWEEN PEOPLE AND ELEPHANTS IN CAMEROON :(
SAD DAY FOR ELEPHANTS
HEY BHAIS
ITS NO WORRY
KEE NA HI TENSION BHAIS
I GOT THIS

FOUND A RHINO!
YEAH I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL TOO
:(
LIFE IS JUST FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENTS

HE LOOKED SO DAMN PLEASED WITH HIMSELF
HEY
HEY GUYS
LOOK AT ALL THIS GRASS I ATE
YOU GUYS GOTTA COME CHECK THIS OUT
THIS GRASS IS THE DAMN SHIT
HEY DAVE COME OVER HERE!

YEAH DAVE GET OVER HERE
YOU AND MELISSA WON'T BELIEVE IT
THIS GRASS IS STRAIGHT TRIPPIN
IM GONNA GO FIND DAVE
DAVE GET BACK HERE

DOESN'T HE LOOK SO PISSED TO BE RIDING A RHINO?
I MEAN
FFS
YOU'RE RIDING A RHINO!
ACT LIKE YOU'RE EXCITED MAN
OH WAIT
YEAH
IT'S STILL FAKE
DAMN
OKAY
THAT'S AN ACCEPTABLE REASON TO BE UPSET

PEOPLE STARTED STARING WHEN I YELLED AT HIM
ABOUT LOOKING MORBIDLY MOROSE IN THE LAST PHOTO
SO HE FORCED A GRIN
MAN
HE WAS REALLY TAKING THIS FAKE RHINO SHIT HARD
SORRY LIL HOMEY
I WAS PRETTY BUMMED TOO
:(

IF HE'S SMILING BECAUSE THE LITTLE HORN IS NOW UP HIS ASS
DON'T TELL ME
DON'T RUIN THE JOY FOR ME
I'M JUST HAPPY HE'S HAPPY
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHY
I'M JUST GLAD HE GOT OVER THE FACT IT'S A FAKE RHINO
AND HE FOUND SOME JOY
IT'S ALSO ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT HE'S LAUGHING
BECAUSE I KEPT CALLING HIM RON JEREMY
DID YOU KNOW RON JEREMY WAS IN BOONDOCK SAINTS?
HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT.

MONKEY BROS VIBIN THE LAZY SUNDAY OPTION
CHILLIN IN THE SHADE
I BET HE WANTS THE POWER
OF MAN'S RED FLOWER
SO HE CAN BE JUST LIKE ME
OH SHOOBADEE DOO
I WANNA BE LIKE YOU-OU-OU
GIVE ME THE POWA
OF MAN'S RED FLOWA
SO I CAN BE JUST LIKE YOU
OR NOT
CUZ THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF WORK

I CALL THIS ONE
'THE THINKER'
HE SEEMS VERY DEEP IN THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING
I BET HE'S JUST CONTEMPLATING HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE
FOR HIM TO EVOLVE SOME OPPOSABLE THUMBS

SHOCKER
THE ARCTIC FOX
DOESN'T LIKE HAVING AN OUTDOOR EXHIBIT
WHO THE HELL COULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING

LITERALLY EVERY OTHER ANIMAL IN THE WORLD
WHEN IT'S HOT
GOES AND FINDS SHADE
BECAUSE THEY WERE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH
TO FIGURE OUT
'OH DAMN ITS NOT BAD HERE WHERE THE SUN ISN'T DIRECTLY ON US'
BUT FLAMINGOS?
NOPE
THEY DUMB AS HELL
SOLUTION TO THIS PERPLEXING PROBLEM IS CLEARLY
TO PISS ALL OVER THEMSELVES
THIS IS WHY THESE EXHIBITS ALWAYS SMELL GOD AWFUL

I CALLED THIS ONE 'ASHWIN'
CUZ HE WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC
JUST DOING HIS OWN THING
CHILLIN
BEING A MONKEY
DOING GORILLA THINGS
DRAGGING HIS BLANKET AROUND
HE JUST HAD A VERY ASHWIN VIBE
THE ZOOKEEPERS WERE THROWING FOOD INTO THE EXHIBIT
CUZ IT WAS LUNCH TIME
AND UNLIKE THE OTHERS
HE JUST ATE THE SHIT THAT WAS REALLY CLOSE TO HIM
CUZ IF IT WAS TOO FAR AWAY
WELL FUCK THAT NOISE
IF IT REQUIRES DOING WORK
THEN IT PROBABLY ISN'T WORTH DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE
KEEP LIVING, MINI-ME
I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU

THIS WAS CRUCIAL
I ALMOST MISTOOK THESE POOLS FOR PLACES TO DISCARD LOOSE CHANGE
THANK GOD THIS SIGN WAS HERE
'COINS HARM BIRDS'
WELL NOW YOU KNOW
IF YOU HAD ANY CONCERNS BEFORE
DON'T WORRY
THESE PEOPLE ARE ON TOP OF THEIR GAME
COINS HARM BIRDS
STILL DOING RESEARCH ON THE IMPACT OF COINS ON PLANTS THOUGH

TEAM POLAR BEAR, ROLL OUT

My god Sunday was one hell of a day.  Going back to how Archdale is in the middle of nowhere, I remembered that Asheboro is similarly in the middle of nowhere, and luckily for humanity we were willing to drink at 11 in the morning, Asheboro was close to Archdale, and I was ready to go full Annie Leibovitz.

You're Welcome:

THIS IS THE PARKING LOT.  THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS PARKING LOT IS MINE
I ACTUALLY TOOK THIS IN CASE WHEN WE FORGOT WHERE WE PARKED
BUT IT TURNS OUT JUST YELLING 'DENNIS' WORKS FINE AS WELL

BRETT WAS HEAVILY AMUSED BY THE FACT THAT IT WASN'T CALLED
'WELLS FARGO AKIBA MARKET'
CLASSIC AFRICA
JUST LIKE WITH MISPRINTED SHIRTS
WE SEND THEM BANKING SYSTEMS THAT WE NO LONGER HAVE
MAYBE THIS IS WHY ALL THOSE NIGERIANS NEED AMERICANS TO HELP
THEM WITH THEIR MONEY LAUNDERING
THEY'RE USING BANKS THAT DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST

ELEPHANTS ARE FUCKING AWESOME
I REALLY WANTED THIS SHIRT
BUT THE CASHIER WOULDN'T ACCEPT A RECEIPT FOR ZOO ADMISSION
SO I TOOK A PICTURE OF IT INSTEAD
HAH
JOKE'S ON YOU!
I THINK

SILLY GIRAFFE WAT R U DOING
GIRAFFE U SO SILLY
SILLY GIRAFFE
THAT'S A TREE U SILLY
DID YOU KNOW GIRAFFES ARE ONLY ONE OF TWO QUADRUPEDS
WHOSE FOUR LEGS MOVE INDEPENDENTLY OF EACH OTHER?
THANKS BRETT
THE MORE YOU KNOWWWWW

CLEAN WATER IN THE AFRICA SECTION
THAT'S NOT FACTUALLY ACCURATE
AHAHAHAHAHA
POOR AFRICA :(
WE SHOULD REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
LIKE TAKE PICTURES
FOR EVERY 'LIKE' THIS PICTURE GETS
I'LL DONATE 10 CENTS TO AFRICA.
SPOILER ALERT: AFRICA IS WHAT I CALL MY WALLET

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA KNOW WHAT'S IN THE TRASH
APPARENTLY SOMEONE WAS DRINKING THEIR MILK
AND SOMEONE ELSE WAS DRINKING RED BULL
IT GIVES YOU WINGS!

HEY BHAI
HEY
YEAH
YEAH YOU
YOU IN THE ELEPHANT
YEAH YOU
BHAI
HELLO BHAI
BHAI I MISS YOU
BHAI WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME ANYMORE
IS IT BECAUSE I CALLED YOU AN ELEPHANT?
LOOK I DIDN'T MEAN IT TO SOUND SO MEAN
I DIDN'T MEAN YOU WERE FAT OR ANYTHING
IT'S JUST
YOU'RE A FUCKING ELEPHANT
THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU ONE
IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE MEAN
OR ABOUT YOUR SIZE
IT'S JUST
YOU KNOW
MEMSAHIB
I DIDN'T MEAN IT MEMSAHIB
PLEASE DON'T TELL THE VICAR
HE'LL BEAT ME
WAIT
WHAT
THIS ISN'T REAL
YOU'RE A FUCKING ELEPHANT
I REGRET NOTHING!
ELEPHANTS ARE AWESOME!
HALFTRACK-BHAI!
GOOD TO SEE YOU!

ELEPHANT-BHAI WAS CURIOUS ABOUT THE PEOPLE STARING AT HIM
SO I DID MY BHAI A SOLID FAVOR
AND TOOK A PICTURE OF SOME PEOPLE
YOU CAN'T SEE IT FROM HERE
BUT WHITEY HAS SOME AMAZING EYES
IF HIS EYES WERE A PERSON
THEY'D BE RYAN GOSLING
ELEPHANT BHAI YOU'RE GETTING LOOKED AT BY A PAIR OF GOSLING EYES
THESE ARE GOOD TIMES FOR YOU, ELEPHANT BHAI
PROBABLY EASIER THAN BEING A WORKHORSE IN INDIA
AND PROBABLY COOLER TOO
BECAUSE INDIA IS HOT
IN CASE YOU FORGOT

I FORGOT WHAT ANIMAL THIS WAS
THAT WHITEY WAS RIDING
MAYBE IT WAS AN ELEPHANT
ELEPHANTS ARE PRETTY FUCKING SPECTACULAR
I MEAN
LOOK AT HIM
HE'S SO DAMN EXCITED
IT COULD BE THAT EXTRA CHROMOSOME
OR IT COULD BE
ELEPHANT BHAI DOING MY OWN BHAI A SOLID
THANKS BHAI

I NEEDED PROOF THE WATER WAS SAFE TO DRINK
PLUS I'M ANNIE LEIBOVITZ RIGHT
SO I NEEDED SOME SORT OF STRANGE PHOTO
TO SERVE AS A NEW COVER PHOTO
FOR SOME WEIRD INDIE-ROCK BAND
I THINK THIS SUFFICES

THESE TWO BEETLES ARE TRYNA GET THAT BIG OL' ACORN
I DON'T THINK THEY'LL SUCCEED
BUT HATERS GONNA HATE MIRITE
DUNG BEETLES GONNA DUNG

HERE WE HAVE THE BRETT IN IT'S NATURAL HABITAT
TAKING PHOTOS OF BRETT
WAS ALSO A GOOD WAY TO MAKE SURE
WE DIDN'T LOSE HIM
BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST
IF YOU DON'T KEEP TRACK OF HIM
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HIM
HEY
THOSE SOUND LIKE GOOD LYRICS
FOR THAT INDIE ROCK BAND
THAT WE HAVE AN ALBUM PHOTO FOR
BEAUTIFUL
WE'LL CALL IT 'TEAM POLAR BEAR'
AFTER THIS DOPE BUTTON CAITLIN BOUGHT FOR ME
MAN
POLAR BEARS ARE SO LEGIT
SO CUDDLY AND SHIT

TWL Archdale is in the middle of nowhere

So today we learned and relearned a great many things.  Durham sucks, Cosmic's is amazing, Duke graduation ceremonies may be involved with ritualstic summoning ceremonies, and Archdale is in the middle of fucking nowhere and is named clearly for the McDonald's right off of the highway and next to the hotels.


So yeah the day started with Caitlin's flight getting delayed, which was awesome because sleeping on a bed a foot too short for me was the best sleep I got for the next three days.  Which, in retrospect, wasn't actually hard to achieve, but we'll deal with that later.  Got to see bossman, which is always exciting.  He only went biking once for the entire three hours I spent with him, which has to be some kind of record.

Here's what the three people in the apartment did Saturday morning: vigorously bike for an hour, run like a mad man around Lake Johnston in a futile attempt to prove that he can, and watch Parks and Recreation.  I'll give you three guesses to who did which.  You couldn't get this wrong even if you wanted to.

This lil nig ran around Lake Johnston in 18:07, so I figure he deserves a shoutout.

I watched a P+R episode in 21 minutes, but you won't hear me brag about that pace.

<-------------
god what a tool





And then we went to Durham.  Vitek is one of the smartest people out there, but sometimes this fool makes the DUMBEST decisions.  Super popular restaurant in downtown Durham...graduation weekend...somehow no red flags that a reservation is kind of a good idea.  And then he doesn't immediately see what waiting an hour to an hour-and-a-half is a bad idea: not necessarily because its a long time, BUT BECAUSE HE HAS TO !(*&&!(#*)@$*#$ GRADUATE.  And this guy got a scholarship to Cal fucking Tech.  Oy vey.

So I suggest Cosmic's - good food, not a chain restaurant, and something everyone visiting the area (read: Caitlin) should go to.  Unless they don't like Mexican food very much (read: Caitlin), in which case someone who knows that (read: me) shouldn't suggest that.  Whoops.  #YOLO

This is a picture of some leaves.

Why?


BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY

DEFINITELY more on this later





So yeah apparently Duke graduates all load up in the Chapel and have a little ceremony where they all don black robs and chant gregorian tunes whilst walking in a clockwise direction for a few hours before holding their hands over a copy of Coach K's autobiography while chanting about the Holy Trinity - no, not THAT holy trinity of Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but the holy trinity of MILES, MASON and MARSHALL PLUMLEE.  THERE IS ONLY ONE KRZYZEWSKI, AND PLUMLEE IS HIS PROHPHET.  I'm pretty sure only some of this is wrong.

Actually...yeah, if anything, I'm only underestimating what happens.  Stay...odd, Duke.

So yeah what the fuck guys who puts a wedding in Archdale.  Archdale is one of those cities that only exists because some dude ran out of gas on the highway, and had to create a new home for himself.  He creates a gas station so people don't get stranded like he did, and eventually a McDonalds adds itself to the gas station, and all of a sudden there's an influx of people.  And he names it after the iconic McD's arch.  You know the sad part? This is actually far more interesting and a better story than the actual history of this damn town.


So yeah, we get to the hotel.  Now the original plan was inviting Brett and Raul, just because we've all been bros for years, and a weekend with the four of us hanging out the entire time was gonna be amazing.  Now unfortunately Raul is a good student or something and still had finals, so he couldn't make it.  So whitey brought Caitlin instead, which was fine, but she sometimes didn't get the inside jokes.  But she quickly endeared herself to Brett by critiquing the hell out of John's ability to check in to a hotel.  The second a 'stranger' starts joining in on the Down Syndrome jokes...you know it's gonna be a good time.


So yeah this town was not nearly as close to Greensboro as I thought, so we did the only thing we could do: go explore this castle Sam has been psyched about and had been hyping up for months.  After some hardcore BMX offroading with Dennis, we found some kind of weird weiner dog shindig going down, and that the castle was really just some building made out of stone.  The exterior facade looked dope, especially with the blue pond and the bridges and whatnot...but overall, kind of a major let down.  There was no awesome exploring to do.  Just some locked doors, but I did explore the kitchen and storage rooms.  I thought I needed half a billion ministraws but John claimed I didn't :(  This is why we can't have nice things cheap plastic straws.

So we went back to the hotel, right? Because this place sucked, and it started pouring hellaciously, as if Jesus had heard Michael Sam had been drafted and just started crying because GOD HATES FAGS.  I wonder if dogs hate figs.  Because if they do...how has no one started following WBC around with signs like DOG HATES FIGS or GOD HATES GIFS or anything like that?


So yeah we just started drinking.  At 3 in the afternoon.  And not even beer...the liquor was flowing like those aforementioned tears of pain regarding gay people being drafted.  At this point it wasn't even because Michael Sam is gay...it was just pains of ESPN overplaying coverage of the man.  Who gives a flying fuck what he does in his free time.  Yeesh.  Whatever.  Chargers Super Bowl Champions 2015 you heard it here first #boltup


So yeah I found the greatest rule in Circle of Death - gotta talk in an accent.  It's been well documented that Indian accents are amusing, but I'll be damned if Brett's Steve Irwin wasn't fucking hilarious.  It only caused me to break one lamp in the hotel.  It also bruised up my scar, which was awesome.  Actually it sucked, because that shit really fucking hurts - in fact, now that I'm not drunk, every part of me hurts - but it was good because I've always been skeptical about how that sledding wound healed...but now I know that the arteries and veins are all there with the neuron synapses firing at all the carboproteins.  Yeah I'm pretty good at that biology thing, I know you're jealous of that one bio class I took 9 years ago.  My xylems are just super developed.  Your xylems are still just phylums...get on my level, people.


And then I left Bassil this amazing voicemail that neither of know nothing about, other than I left it whilst being Indian and after Caitlin was curious what 'alalalalalalalalalalalala' means.  I thought she was making some kind of slightly insensitive joke (which is why I decided to call Bassil, of course), but it turns out to be a thing :(

La ilaha illallah = There is no deity but God


Which sounds dope and all, but it makes me wonder why all of the Abrahamic religions hate on multiple deities.  All we Indians want to do is peacefully sit around and do our own shit aloen without pissing anyone off, and all of yall come up in here and take shots at us for no reason :(  Thousands of years ago when we were all splitting the Earth up...we just went from natural border to natural borders, using those as markers for what we wanted, and then we quit.  From the Indian ocean to the Himalayas and the Hindu Kush to the Bay of Bengal.  That was our land - there was land like it, but that land was ours.  We just wanted to sit alone and do our own peaceful shit.  Then on every level people bothered us.  I don't know how we got onto this topic, because I'm sad now :(

Oh right the voicemail.  yeah, Bassil hasn't listened to it and so I have no idea what it actually is.  I bet it's fucking fantastic though.

But yeah as you might expect, drinking heavily starting at 3 pm will result in peaking drunk-wise before most people eat dinner, and because Archdale has no actual restaurants (that's the excuse I'm going with, not the fact that none of us could drive), we went to the aforementioned McDonald's that lent it's iconic M to this silly little town.  Being drunk and an Indian, the obvious solution was to get there as fast as possible and to take full advantage of being a pedestrian.  If I have right of way, why not use it?  That seems logically sound to me.  Plus the whole thing where we would get there faster if we ran.  But all of you white people were taught to look both ways before crossing the street, like some kind of pansy-ass weaklings.  In a drastic exaggeration of religion...if God didn't want me to get to McDonald's, he would have forced a car to hit me no matter how fast I was travelling or in what path I took to get there.  I believe in a predefined destiny only because that seems to offer a pre-made excuse for EVERYTHING.

Oh and lost in all of this was the inevitable series of NHL01 Brett and I played.  Leading us to our second entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"

TEXT "ALLAHU AKBAR ALALALALLALAL GOD IS GOOD GOD IS GREAT GOD LETS ME KILL THE PEOPLE I HATE" TO 865-544-0751 

Brett beat me in a series of NHL01 for the first time ever! He started off catching some lucky breaks, winning the first three games by a total of three goals, and injuring Joe, Foppa and Footy as he always does.  Then I crushed it in game 4, as is the tradition, and we just assumed I would come back and win games 5-7, as is the tradition.  But apparently Brett didn't like the story, and decided to go offscript and won game 5 by a score of 9-0.  I tried every goalie available...and they all sucked.  Every one of them.  Fuck that shit.  I will admit that the drinking game we played during it - every time either one of us yelled 'drink' we took a drink - but all things considered it is a bit shocking it took Brett five years to win a series in NHL01.  Definitely not going to win, but it was pretty shocking.


And for those of you curious...that's the phone number for the local FBI field office.  I won't lie to you - I really like these categories I'm creating for each event.

And then naturally everybody was exhausted and tired before most people even START drinking.  I'd like to think that the day drinking was inspired by me, but I would be taking credit away from this empty barren wasteland of a town.

The only fucking conscious person left at this time.  Key word being 'conscious' and not 'sober'.  Whatever man don't judge me/them/us YOU DIDNT SPEND AS MUCH TIME IN ARCHDALE AS WE DID /sobs/

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.  THIS IS THE NIGGA I'M FORCED TO DEAL WITH.  AS YOU CAN SEE, HE HAS EVERY FUCKING PILLOW AND SHEET ON THE GOD DAMN BED, AND IS CURRENTLY LOCKED INTO MOST OF THE LAND SPACE ON SAID BED, INCLUDING PRIME POSITIONING TO CONQUER THE REST OF IT.  THIS IS THE SHIT I HAD TO DEAL WITH.  THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE.  THIS SON OF A BITCH.  THIS PIECE OF SHIT.  THIS GOD DAMN WANKER.  THIS STEVE IRWIN SHIT OF A LEMUR.  FUCK YOUR ZABOOMAFOO LOVING AUSTRALIAN ORGANIC SET OF HOLES.

So yeah.  I pay for half the room and get zero of the bed.  Whatever man I totally enjoy sleeping with half my body on the floor, fighting your dumb ass for a pillow only to lose it in the middle of the night.  Ugh.  The joke's on you because the pizza I gave you in the morning had been sitting in our tornado disaster zone of a room for 18 hours.  At least I think the joke's on you.

Actually now that I think about it, you got a free pizza plus an amazing sleep on a comfy bed I paid for.  How did you do this to me.  How did I get out-Ashwin'd by someone.  Dammit I'm slipping.  Time to double-down on my efforts to be like me.  Although I did skirt with public intoxication for a few hours on Sunday...hmmm.  Well either way now I feel less bad about ending up with one of those delivery bags Papa John's uses.

Thor's Day and Free Day

Wow what a trip.  It had the potential to be so nonchalant, not overly exciting, just a nice calm ceremony for two friends.  Somehow I forgot I would be there, with an open bar and a camera, and a host of amazing ideas.  Let's just do this shit chronologically.


THE FOLLOWING EVENTS TAKE PLACE BETWEEN 5 PM AND 1 AM ON THE DAY OF THE CALIFORNIA GENERAL PRIMARY jk they took place on Thursday in Raleigh.  And Jack Bauer and fauxbama weren't there either.  Or his crazy daughter.  Or any crazy Serbians.  Just me, Bon Jovi and his crazy roommates.  Hadn't seen this fool in quite some time, so it was good kicking it with him.  I spent the evening convincing everyone not to go to the main graduation ceremony in the PNC, and I think I actually got most of them to understand how shittastic it was.  Like, really shitty.  Departmental graduations are the way to go.


I assume it goes without saying, but we were definitely drunk before most people even decide to go downtown and celebrate graduation week, and it was at that point I had an excellent conversation with one Andy Rooney #RIPinpeace

"On the realsies...happy birthday"
"Ummm you know my birthday is in September, right?"
"NOT A CLUE WHAT IS HAPPENING"
"My birthday is the 18th of September, who the hell told you it was in May?"
"NO ONE I DONT KNOW THE MONDAYS ARE IN SEPTEMBER LA TE DAHHH LOOK AT YOU KNOW WOOOOOOOO"
"Rofl so you're pretty drunk then"
"YEEEEEE"


So yeah.  Happy birthday Andy.  You may be thinking...'goddamnit we JUST WENT THROUGH THIS SHIT.  And you're probably sober, so you can't use that as any sort of justification so ashwin WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" well my dearest anderson, let me tell you.  If I wish you happy birthday on your actual birthday, then my action becomes diluted by similar wellwishings from all the other people.  But by doing it 4 months ahead of time...it stands alone.  Same reason I haven't given John a birthday present in the right season, let alone the right month.

And speaking of John...I can't believe he didn't understand the following:

"THE CHEESE AND THE RAT AND THE LOLOLOLOL CAN WHAT DHUEAH SBSBSBS AAAAAAAH  YEEEEEEE BOIEEEEEEEEEE WEDDISLBG LDDDD PLANES PLANES BOTAS ANDSKLT"

I mean I know he's got an extra chromosome...but come on, that should only help him figure out what this means.  "the cheese and the rat" is clearly a reference to the rat race that is life, and how much he works at it.  "lolololol" can only be me laughing at him for working so hard.  "can what" is clearly the new rap phrase of choice that is confusing to understand.  "dhueah sbsbsbs" is latin for...ummm...something.  "weddislbg" is clearly a wedding for the LBG community (cuz fuck the 'T' mirite WBC?).  "planes planes botas" is clearly
a list of ways to get to Knoxville, and 'andslkt' is clearly swedish for "maybe i need to go to bed now and not talk to people via the phone"


So yeah, Thursday and Friday were rather therapeutic, relaxing days catching up with peeps, scoring free beer at Mitch's because I'm fucking awesome and have all this karmic greatness that is coming back to me in the best ways (hey my life sucks BUT MATES I SCORED SOME FREE BEER! HOORAY BEER!).  Oh and we have our first entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"

TEXT "A FIRE IS BURNING IN MY HOUSE" TO 9-1-1 TO VOTE FOR THE FOLLOWING:

A) Ryan Jones breaking two bones in his foot whilst completely sober after slipping on a curb.  I want to go into more details about each entry so you can make an informed decision...but that's all I've got, and that's all that you really need to know.  A grown man slipped on a curb and BROKE TWO BONES IN HIS FEET.

Jonesy you know I love you but my nigga add some calcium to your diet! The tensile strength of your bones IS RIDDICALOUS! 23 year old white males from the suburbs don't get osteofuckingperosis.

Again, text "A FIRE IS BURNING IN MY HOUSE" to 9-1-1 to vote for "RYAN JONES BREAKING FOOT".


You know when 'your homey breaking his foot' is something you have to actively remember means that the weekend was fucking fantastic.