Flashback Friday

So I happened to be reminded recently of an event that I had almost forgotten about.  I don't know how, because I usually [need to] remember the dumb shit I do for both legal reasons and general merriment reasons.  Obviously I have to finish up reliving the wedding reception and postgame shindig, and I really had plans to, but I have no idea where to start.  Oh fuck it, I'll give it a shot.  No photos for you.  Oh fine maybe one or three.  Only because I need them to figure things out.  It's like those series on the french ap exam where you have to figure out the story from the anachronistic photo order...except the photos are in order and this shit is in english.

So I guess the story starts at the reception, since the wedding itself was pretty boring.  Just sitting still.  Which I nailed, by the way.  So yeah the show starts off with the best part - the open bar!  Yeee.  Dis gun b good.

Wait before I forget...I was recently reminded that I went to halloween senior year as Elie Wiesel.  I was gonna try and make it some kind of wheel of fortune guessing game, before realising R S T L N E make up most of homeboy's name, so that wouldn't have been interesting.  But man I have the BEST ideas.  What a fantastic plan. A-7713.  Brilliant.

Anyway so yeah open bar.  Combined with the full catering...it was easily the most complete and healthiest meal I had eaten in months.  And the first time I had gotten drunk in...shit.  A few hours.  That evening was the first time I had drunk since that afternoon.  Shit.  NO I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.  Shiiit.  Oh well.  As Turk once said...I do what I do when I do what I do.  That's deep, man.

Actually I just realized the point of my analogy with the french exam.  I can do the same thing I did for the zoo trip and tell the story through photos.  Until my camera died, at least.  Then we can free style it up.  Hold on, this is gonna be excellent.  Because I have no idea what ACTUALLY happened at the reception, because I was busy putting Annie Leibovitz to shame.

What an insanely fancy looking thing.  Probably as good as a cake from Kroger, but needlessly more expensive.  It's for eating.

Cory told me that the best part of the "castle" was the chandelier.  Homey wasn't wrong.  Shit was gorgeous.  I was absolutely enthralled by it all evening.

This is the problem with short people.  YOU MISS OUT ON THE CHANDELIER!

That girl in the yellow smirked at me.  Fuck you, random stranger.  But Chandelier! CHANDELIER IS LOVE, CHANDELIER IS LIFE.

Here are some people.  It's surprisingly difficult to take a focused photo when you're downing as much alcohol as possible.  Before other people got in line, of course.  #priorities #justdoit

This is my cousin Budi.  There are many like him, but this one is mine.

This dude was sitting lonely at a table for literally 15 minutes.  Everyone else was socializing, seeing people, catching up, etc etc and this fool is just staring at the purple napkins all alone.  I felt bad.  Then I laughed.  Then I felt bad for laughing.  Then I laughed more.

The official hired photo taker lady.  I did a much better job for free.  Just saying.  My photos are spectacular.

This is the DJ.  He goes by JD.  DJ JD.  Beast mode.

This my top nigga DJ JD.  We absolutely bonded.  How do you think I got songs that Sam didn't want played to be played?  JD with the hookups.

This is Maciej.  Fuck you I tried.  The timestamp was 7:11 pm.  I was pretty hammered by this point.

Oh yeah so I used my sneaky stealthy skills to sit in the groom seat while everyone else was doing normal, socially acceptable things.  You guys are so boring sometimes.

Like I said.  My nigga JD.

Took a photo of Michelle taking a photo of Cousin Budi.  #photoception

This is dreads.  I have no idea who the fuck he is, but he looked pretty dapper.

This is the dude who filled our cups with water.  I felt like no one was appreciating his service to this community.  So I had to take his photo for everyone to remember.  #WaterRefillerMan2014

This was another server dude.  He dropped off the champagne (more on that delicious nectar of the gods later), and unlike the dude above, I was unable to ambush him.  He did ask the table 'what the heck is he doing who is that' to which Caitlin, Brett John and Maciej tried to explain, to no great effect.  Psssh.  I'm Ashwin, bitch.  I do what I want.

This is a photo of my lovely date Brett.  <3 Brett.  You are my flower (which I pinned to his wrist #truelove), my rock, my ahhh can't do it.  You know who the fuck Brett is.

These are some people.  Doing things.  Look not every photo is a winner okay? No idea who the oldies are in this.

Nectar Of The Gods.  This shit was AMAZING.

So yeah my boy Maciej ran some interference for me while I snuck around behind the wedding table.  I think everyone else was off eating dinner or something.

Literally seconds before Sam flipped me a few birds.  Let the record (because this photo is the record) show that the entire groom side is not at all surprised Ashwin is doing something retarded while the bride's side is still capable of being surprised by something I do.  I love that.

FauxAnnie and I traded off posed photos.  She seemed nice.

John looking rather consigned to the fact that I'm just snapping photos left and right.  Whatever.

This is Coburn.  I think.  I'm pretty sure.  Actually...hmmm.  Not sure.

No I was right definitely Coburn.  Hi Coburn.

DAT ASS MIRITE

The only time JD left the booth.  Had to take a photo obviously.

Bassil

I cut my ankle open on something (shocker), and I couldn't really see it so I took a photo of it to get a better look.  Yeah I wore tennis shoes to a wedding.  Fuck you.  Sam's family is racist and we don't get along.  I had to be prepared.

Aight white people yall are cool and all BUT YALL HAVE THE WEIRDEST TRADITIONS THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT

I'll just leave this here.  You can draw your own conclusions.

DUDE I WASN'T LYING THAT CHANDELIER IS AMAZING.

I think Maciej is trying to clap

Yeah he's definitely trying to clap.

That there is fine clapping form.  I call these last three photos "Maciej Clapping by Maciej"by Ashwin

White people.  Never change.  Who else would I laugh at?

Other notable events that occurred after the camera died

- I danced to Celine Deon's "My Heart Will Go On" with a little boy I had never met before
- I did the photobooth thing.  First photo I'm glaring at the screen, second photo I'm in the middle of an intricate gang symbol (or something), third photo is a super zoom of my #TeamPolarBear button, and I was just so pissed at photos 1-3 I just got up and left.  It seemed appropriate.
- I got cut off by an open bar.  Whenever you people think you've had some kind of insanely drunk adventure, just remember that you've never been cut off by an open bar.  Just let that sink in.  A free-flowing source of alcohol that, by definition, has no limits...cut me off.  No idea why, I was crushing it.  Now the post-game is where we needed an adult to supervise my intake.  That is a whole different beast, and I'm pretty sure Papa Okowita is an alcoholic.
- All I remember is waking up under the sink.  Not realizing I was under a sink, I just got up like I normally would and smashed my head into a bunch of metal pipes.  Every time I feel sorry for annihilating that hotel room...I remember that it fought back and cut my head open.


Until next time, jackasses.

Even if none of you watched the FA Cup Final...this was still a fucking glorious video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvRTnXaDRjU

This time we'll actually talk about the wedding

Lol probably not but we'll give it our best shot!  Now where were we...oh right getting ready for the wedding.  So on the realsies, I'm mad nervous about this.  Like super nervous.  Didn't want to be the reason the wedding went wrong.  Because  I don't think I need to (aka there's just so much shit that even if I wanted to, I just physically couldn't list it all) explain the Sam-Ashwin relationship.  It's like...well it's like the post-Yugoslavia history of the Balkans.  Shit was tenuous, then a fucking hellacious war broke out, and now we're kind of in a peace.  Admittedly the peace in the Balkans is because we've un-homogenized the region and every ethnic group is kind of in their own place - which hilariously goes against everything we learned in the US growing up - but shit is still tense as fuck there.  And that middle part with the massacre at Srebrenica and the complete destruction of Sarajevo is the part we just kinda ignore.  And all the war crimes by Milosevic and Karadzic.  Man the whole fallout from Yugoslavia is just depressing.  I just bought this amazing book on the Bosnian Massacre that I'm excited to read in a 'oh god why are humans so terrifyingly horrible' kind of way.  That's why it's on my mind.  My original analogy involved the IRA and the Catholics and Protestants, but I wasn't sure which one I was, and so I went to the backup analogy.  I think here I'm Bosnia, but those of you who haven't read into as much as me...just let me have this.  I am absolutely the victim here of false pretense and complete overreaction, much like Bosnia was the field that the Serbs and Hrvatskans (let's be real, Croatia sounds straight retarded compared to Hrvatska) danced on with their heavy artillery.

Alright you know what fuck it.  Let's just pretend there was a good analogy somewhere in there.  So I was mad nervous, but I couldn't let anyone else know, so while they saw me casually drink one before ("to calm the nerves", I said), I absolutely chugged two more of the remaining bathroom beers.  And this was on a more or less empty stomach (yeah I wasn't gonna fucking eat that pizza.  That shit was still sitting there.  Alright fine maybe I would have eaten it...but I didn't really have the time.  People were rushing me places all afternoon.  Not even ONE 'hey ashwin thanks for driving everywhere today i know it's been a mad rush once we realized that there was a potential time crunch and we just wanted to appreciate your chauffeur services'.  Nope.  Just "HEY ASHWIN HURRY THE FUCK UP AND TIE YOUR TIE WE GOT PLACES TO GO" "HEY ASHWIN YOUR WRAPPING PAPER IS FALLING APART WHAT THE HELL MAN GET IT TOGETHER" "HEY ASHWIN YOURE GONNA BE THE ONLY COLORED PERSON THERE HAHAHAH WE MIGHT KILL YOU".  okay so yeah that last thought may have just been in my head, but let's be real.  If dreadlocks hadn't been there...okay i think this sidebar had an open parenthetical somewhere time to find it and return to the storyline there it is), so after 3 beers in a 10 minute span I was running a healthy buzz.  Just enough to appear completely normal but without the internal pains.

You know, in 15 years when I turn up dead in a ditch, yall are gonna look back at these 'playful quips' while shrieking to yourself "OH SHIT THESE WERE THOSE CLICHED WARNING SIGNS YOU HEAR ABOUT".  So yeah.  Joke's on you, sucker!  #fuckingroasted

So yeah just waiting for the free DD service yadigg! Cuz we had driven out to Castle McSucksDick and I didn't want to grace that sham of a castle with Dennis' presence.  Dennis is too good for Castle McWankersOnly.

So I took an hour break for lunch, and suddenly remembered this.  Now a good author would go back, and read through it all to see where s/he is, and how to continue.  But that sounds hard, so I'm just gonna read the last word I wrote, which was McWankersOnly.  Brilliant.

So..yeah, the castle.  I've already expressed my disappointment at it.  No need to go over that again, I would hope.  But at least it still was a castle, right?  We could at least pretend we were in Hogwarts, and the Priest was Dumbledore, and we were at the Great Hall and blah blah blah all that good shit.


WRONG.

We were outside underneath a hugeass tent, near Castle McDonald's - now admittedly the water was super blue and and the river-esque body of water near the castle was pretty awesome.  But...at least me personally, where I was seated, I just had a good view of some trees and some hag's ridiculous hairdo in front of me.


Oh, and did I mention that this WHOLE TIME Smokie (and apparently his entire family? He told his entire family this? Seriously? He has absolutely spent more time talking to his parents about my social life than I have ever communicated with my own parents about non-academic matters.  Is that what it's like to be white?  Actually bonding with your parents?   THAT SEEMS SO WEIRD.  But then again having some sort of weird PTSD-childhood is probably not conducive to that sort of family dynamic.  But then again-again, none of you beat your children...and there are a lot of people in this world who should have been beaten as children.  Hah how's this for a morose topic?  Fuck is this still another soliloquy that's been going on?  I need to start writing these in some kind of coding IDE that will highlight parenthesis for me.  This is ridiculous where the fuck are youuuuuuuuuu) found it.  Okay so yeah Alex's mother was like amazingly stoked for me.  Like she was at levels of joy I didn't even know people could get to.  And I've reached 'run-around-campus-barefoot-with-an-Indian-flag-while-singing-loudly' level of happiness.  She was just so goddamn happy.  There was that proverbial twinkle in her eye.  I'm 99% sure I could have told her that her daughter had just passed away in a freak hair-straightner accident and she still would have been grinning like a lobotomy post-op patient.  Apparently they were all stoked to meet my +1.


Like holy shit stoked.

OMG levels of stoked.

Let's fucking annex Poland levels of stoked.



Now some of you may be thinking "damn who is this chica? She must be some kind of goddess."  To those of you, I offer my most sincerest "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

To the rest of you...you know exactly who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about Brett.

Now this is the part that I love.  To me, and presumably the rest of you, we were thinking about how great this was gonna be.  And, don't get me wrong, it absolutely was.  It was everything I dreamed it could be, and more.  Now you're thinking "nahhh, how could it have been MORE? It was bloody perfect!".  Well let me tell you.  Apparently Okie's folks are good friends with Brett's parents, and as such they couldn't invite Brett without inviting his parents, and vice versa.

do you see where this is going? I REGRET NOTHING

And because (supposedly...I believe this as much as Alabama believes in evolution #rolltide) Sam couldn't get in touch with Brett...they decided to invite neither.  There are so many holes in this logic that they call it the Swiss Cheese Argument.  It is just so simpleminded that I can't even comprehend it.

To play Devil's Advocate...if you didn't want to invite Brett, that's fine.  Just don't put on a huge charade about how you tried, and the groom's family is such good friend's of Brett's etc etc.  I don't have many rules, but I'm a pretty strong advocate of not lying.

Now you may be gasping and shaking your head back and forth.  Calm down, take a breath, and think.  Have I ever lied to you? No? Good.  If I have...I honestly don't remember it.  I probably had a good reason, because I don't really see the point in explicitly lying.  It's not my style.  I would point out that I have lied through 'lies of omission', but it would have been ironically accurate if I don't.  So pretend you didn't read that.


What I DO do though (hehehe doodoo) is manipulate.  It's not a good trait, I know...and I want to stop, believe me...but it works out in my favor! I win every time! I get my way! And doesn't love getting my way.

Regardless my point is that I told Sam I met this chick once, and then the hopeless romantic (emphasis on 'hopeless') in her took over and just fucking ran with it.  Frankly, her excitement was what led to the Brett plan.  So I'm just gonna put this one on her.  Yeah, that seems logically stable.  And every time she asked, I just changed the subject.  Which somehow built her up in Sam's mind even more?   Look, I'm no biologist.  But what the fuck happened on that second X chromosome? The first one was fine - everyone was doing okay, great even.  But then...that second one.  What the hell happened.  The complete opposite of synergy.

Maybe it's just me.  It's probably just me.  /reflects more/  Yeah it's just me.


Holy shit what was my point in all of this.  OH RIGHT.  So yeah it turns out that not only was Sam not thrilled by Brett's presence....Alex's mother was downright not happy with me.  She was legitimately heartbroken the +1 wasn't a chica...and then even more unhappy that it was Brett, for all of the political reasoning I mentioned earlier.  Luckily I was drunk as fuck (#openbar #hitthatshitlikechrisbrownonrihanna #hey-o), so I just employed the strategy I use to perfection with my own family.  I THINK she busted out the "we're not mad we're disappointed" line, but I can't remember for sure.  I never understood what her gameplan was.  Nothing she could do was going to make any lasting impression, other than "THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA".

I'm that guy you keep around - you don't necessarily need him around, you might not even want him around...but you keep him around anyway.  He's your L'Oreal: because you're worth it.


So yeah, blah blah blah wedding shit.  The most interesting part of the wedding was the troll rocking the keyboard.  I was just fascinated by him, so I mainly stared at him the whole time.  My memories of the actual ceremony are it being incredibly slow - I can't tell if that's a function of the old people walking slow as fuck, the music being slow as fuck, or both.  Regardless, it's the troll keyboardist's fault.  I can't believe he's married.  Good lord.  I wonder how much that job pays, actually.  Because wedding music seems pretty standard, so I'm 99% sure a dude with an iPod could run a wedding A/V scene.  And I'm 100% sure I'm the 1% that would try and slowly sneak more and more un-wedding music (Take The Money And Run, Rock You Like a Hurricane, etc etc) into the ceremony before even the Priest just loses control and goes "HOLY FUCK MAN WHY YOU ARE PLAYING GAELIC FUCKING CHANTS! JESUS CHRIST MAN BAGPIPES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE! CALM YOUR SHIT MONGOLIAN DREAMCATCHER MUSIC IS NEVER THE ANSWER".

But yeah, for the most part I did a good job at the wedding.  I didn't sneeze, didn't cough, didn't say anything, took pictures of all the wrong things (except for a few YAFEELME #noregrets), only made a few inappropriate runaway groom jokes (and I think no one overheard me), and stood up and sat down when everyone else did.

Alrighty then.  We've briefly started discussing the shitshow that was the reception and we've more or less discussed how Brett's presence pissed off the Bride and the Groom's parents.  Note that the Groom was actually okay with it.  Bridezillas, mirite?

The Red Wedding

So let me tell you about the weddings I've been privy to.  Indian weddings are:

- very religious.  Lots of praying and chanting
- several days long.  Let me repeat that.  SEVERAL FUCKING DAYS LONG.
- huge. gigantic. lots of people.  As one would expect with a nation of 1500000000 people (1.5 billion just didn't seem right...writing out all those zeroes makes it way more mindblowing), Indian weddings involve hundreds to even thousands of people.  Luckily my father's side of the family has major anger issues (shocker, I know.  How unexpected) so their hate overwhelms their desire to invite the locals.  But for the most part...effing huge.
- again, super religious.  Shocker, I know.  A nation with five thousand years of religious history still has traditions steeped in religion.  We're like the bible belt, except not inbred, retarded, useless, toothless, can't play the banjo and not drunk on bourbon all the time.  Okay, so we're not the bible belt at all.

Truth be told, I can't actually tell you much more than that.  There are a lot of individual ceremonies composing the whole wedding process, and so I usually nap through most of it.  I can't stress to you how long these damn things are.  But the food is good, the ceremonies are lavish, and everyone is dressed up like it's NYE meets Valentine's Day times their birthday to the power of Flag Day.  Cuz aint no party like a flag day party cuz a flag day party means you're just looking for any excuse to drink and I think that's probably one of those 'calls for help'.  In other news, I'm throwing this dope party on June 14th and you're all invited.

But I guess homeboy does ride in on an elephant, which is pretty fucking cool.  Man imagine if an Indian dude married a Jewish chick!  I would pay to watch that wedding!  So much miscommunication!  All the swastikas would confuse that poor girl's family AND IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS! Because Indians are very defensive about our swakstika and how white people ruined THAT too.  Dammit guys this is why we can't have nice things.  But yeah the post-ceremony dancing and feasting is glorious.  Just imagine if these marriages were built on actual love instead of being arranged! Hahaha! Arranged marriages! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh someone shoot me.


So yeah.  This is what I'm used to.  As for white people weddings...everything I know is based off of Wedding Crashers.  So at this point I'm actually super nervous.  I successfully have talked Brett into attending, taking on the risk that Sam would be too happy to actually kill me on site.  But all I'm doing is thinking about that, so I throw down a few beers (yes I pre-gamed her wedding.  NO DONT FUCKING TELL HER THAT) to calm the ol nerves.  Oh but before we go any further, we have our final entry in the "Most Surprising Event Of The Weekend"! Now this entry is going to (and frankly, should) win.  It should also be discussed with hotel security, because this is a fucking alarming problem.

TEXT SHOOT AN SMS TO 0800 789 321 WITH THE MESSAGE "THE PRIME MINISTER IS UNDER A SERIOUS POISON THREAT FROM A BAD BATCH OF FISH'N'CHIPS FROM THE TOTTENHAM DISTRICT!"

There's only one Arsene Wenger, bitch.

So yeah.  We were hurrying back from the zoo, right? Because we had that whole wedding thing to go to.  I was perfectly content with just taking a nap, but I was rocking the minority opinion with Brett, and whenever Brett and I are the only people who support a particular idea, it's safe to assume it's probably not a good idea.

Brett's friend Maciej was gonna stay with us that night, and he got back to the hotel before us.  We were hurrying back so we could all shower and get ready and shit, and homeboy hollers at Brett that he's just chilling out in the hall, which is a bit weird, but fine whatever nbd who cares.  But no more than five minutes later...Brett gets another text: "hey when you get back if you see some luggage that wasn't there before don't worry".

...

...

...


So naturally this is quite worrying.  Is he having a go? He's having a go.  There's no way he got into the hotel room, right? I mean...those electronic locks are pretty secure...and there's no way he would actually break the door, right?  Because that would just be not good all around...he's definitely having a laugh.  That polish bastard.  I mean, yeah, John forgot the room key every single time we left the room, but there's no way Maciej could have found it, right? It would still be within the room.  There's no way.


I immediately regret not capturing this moment on picture (or even video).


THIS IDIOT IS IN THE ROOM.  FUCKIN- WHAT THE FUCKIN.  FUCK.  WHO THE FUCK FUCKED THIS FUCKING...HOW DID YOU TWO FUCKING FUCKS...FUCK.

Maciej is just standing in the room, smiling like a cheeky little prick.  I love the man, but god damn there are a few questions that we need answering.  Fuck whatever else we had going on I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS THAT JA RULE MAY NOT KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.

So Brett had told Maciej our room number, and who's name the room was under.  That's not exactly confidential information, so you'd hope hotels use slightly more detailed security measures.  Seriously?  This would be so easy to replicate, if you really wanted to.  And think about it...if someone breaks into your hotel room and steals something...it would take a mountain and a half of evidence before you stopped thinking it was room service.

Oh speaking of room service...yeah on behalf of all of us in room 223, surname Nardini...sorry.  That lamp needed a new shade, anyway.  And trash cans are usually filled with water.  And I'm pretty sure by the time you got there, that pizza had spent 36+ hours sitting out on a table.  Again...sorry.  If you want to dryclean that shirt, feel free to keep it.  That blue really makes my eyes pop, so I'm super bummed about leaving that behind.


So yeah.  Maciej got into our room by flashing as smile at Roger and knowing our room number and John's last name.  I can appreciate that Rogerbhai thought he was doing everyone a favor, and obviously Maciej wasn't a threat of any kind...but jesus christ that's fucking alarming.  Oy freaking vey.


So you can understand why I assume this entry would win.  Of course, even if at least one person followed any of the three voting instructions, I'm already happy.  This third one, fyi, is the 'urgent tip cuz shit going down right now' number for the British MI5.  That's why you don't text this one, you send an SMS.  "But Ashwin, they're the same! A text IS an SMS!"  Well yes, Stephen, you're right.  Very good.  Gold star for Bossman.  But it's Britain.  They're fucked up like that.  You've all seen Snatch, right?


Fuck I still haven't gotten to the damn wedding.  But yeah srsly guys don't tell Sam. kthx.  I think she's still mad at me for the Borat joke from three years ago.

This state...oh god this state is weird

So Tennessee is 48th in education, full of hill people, kind of racist and generally not as awesome as North Carolina.  If you're a Yankee they already have a natural disposition to hate you, and god have mercy on your soul if you call it the "Civil War".  That was the War of Northern Aggression, god damn it!


But there is a secret to this state.  Don't wear crimson, don't yell "RAWL TAHD YALL" and just sing rocky top.  No matter what your national cultures are...if you can work rocky top into them...shit will be fine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1wB2cu7x-4


What.  The.  Fuck.  These are definitely tears, but I'm not sure whether they are from laughter or pain.



Also this fucking university has changed email hosts and addresses three times in the past 13 months.  Fucking hell, UT, MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND.

Are we:

a) tennessee.edu

b) utk.edu

c) vols.utk.edu

and are we going to use

a) some weird squirrel-mail esque site?

b) FUCKING OUTLOOK

or c) gmail, like the rest of the world?


Holy gods this is frustrating.

LOREM IPSUM

DIDN'T WANT TO FORGET WHAT WHITEY'S SHIRT WAS
IN CASE WE LOST HIM
IRONICALLY ENOUGH
I THINK I NEED MORE ADULT GUIDANCE THAN HE DOES

THESE ARE TWO TURTLES
FUCKING
THESE ARE TWO TURTLES
MAKING LOVE
IN THE ZOO
SHIT WAS HILARIOUS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY HERE
THAT THIS PICTURE DOESN'T ALREADY
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME DONATING MONEY TO RAIN FORESTS
WELL ITS A PICTURE OF JOHNNY
BUT I OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T TAKE A PICTURE OF ME DOING IT
DUHHH
SO YEAH I BOUGHT 90 SQ FT OF RAIN FOREST TO PRESERVE
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU ASSHOLES DOING SUNDAY MORNING?

WE'RE THE RED AND WHITE FROM STATE
AND WE KNOW SOME SHIT ABOUT BEES
HAND BEHIND OUR BACKS
CUZ THE BEES STUNG ALL THE REST
GO TO HELL CAROLINA
DEVILS AND DEACS RUN AWAY
THE BEES ARE MAKING US RED AND WHITE
FROM NC STATE
GO STATE

THIS IS A PHOTO OF SOMETHING REALLY COOL
BUT YOU CAN'T SEE IT
BECAUSE SOME DICK OF A CHILD
PUT HIS FOOT IN MY WAY
THAT LITTLE FUCKER

THIS IS AN OCELOT
THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT
BUT SOMEHOW THE ZOO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL
TO JUST HAVE ONE
THIS POOR FELLA IS ALL ALONE

HEY GUYS
I HAVE A JOKE
WHAT DID THE BUFFALO SAY TO HIS SON
RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT FOR COLLEGE
BISON
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I'M TELLING YOU GUYS
I'M A FUCKING RIOT

RUN RALPHIE RUN

TOOK A PICTURE OF THE SUN
IS IT ME
OR DOES THIS ACTUALLY HURT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT
TO LOOK AT
I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL OR NOT
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT CAN ONLY BE AS WHITE AS THE
COMPUTER CAN DISPLAY
YET
IT REALLY HURTS MY EYES

THIS IS A SCREENSHOT
FROM A VIDEO I TOOK
OF THE SKY
...
DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE TO SAY ABOUT THIS
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE

IT'S OLD FAITHFUL!
HAHAH
JK
IT'S NOT
GOTCHA!
#REKT

MORE INDIE ALBUM COVERS
ALTHOUGH
I DID TAKE THIS
TO MAKE SURE I WAS FOLLOWING THE RIGHT PEOPLE
MY EYES WERE REALLY HURTING
FROM STARING AT THE SUN

I TOOK ABOUT A DOZEN PHOTOS OF OTTERS
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY
THE SHITS WERE JUST SWIMMING BACK AND FORTH
NOT DOING ANYTHING EXCITING
I LIKE TO THINK
IT'S FACE ISN'T ACTUALLY AS FURRY AS THE REST OF ITS BODY
ITS JUST SUPER
SUPER
SUPER
MUSTACHEY

TEAM POLAR BEAR, ROLL OUT!

IT'S PIERRE FUCKING MCGUIRE!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHHHHHHHHHH
I BET THIS IDIOT IS LESS ANNOYING TO LISTEN TO
PROBABLY KNOWS MORE ABOUT FASHIONABLE SUITS TOO