brbs talking to kinko's on how to make gigantic ass posters

Dad: "did you know jews eat bagels?"
Me: "uh...what? I...um, yes?"
Dad: "yeah you know they're like really into bagels up there"
Me: "up...where? like Israel? Heaven?" whatdafuq.gif
Dad: enjoying bagel "man jews really know about this bagel thing"
Me: "Really worried about google interview now...are you feeling ok?"
Dad: "yeah i'm fine but these bagels are fucking delicious is there anymore garden veggie spread"

so yeah my Dad has major tele-interview with the Google about the Fiber project...he passed some base initial interview and now has a 2 hour interview from 6-8 tonight with people from Austin and Palo Alto (but not MV...). #holycrap #proudofhim #stillacrazypsycho #hashtagsareawesome #fuckyou #idontneedthis #seasonsdontfearthereaper #nordothewindthesunortherain #wecanbeliketheyare #comeonbaby #dontfearthereaper #morecowbell #brucedickinson

man i dont even know what the fuck is going on anymore.  luckily i have a micro mike rowe and his crow's mic row to lessen my confusion.  The whole XZibit meme-thing seriously was the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet.  Google is a close second.

Welcome to goodburger home of the goodburger can I take yor order?

Say whatup UK

Your daily reminder that the SEC > you. #SECenStraight

Dear Amy: I am thrilled to be marrying my beloved fiance this fall! We are so excited. There's only one problem.

My ex, "Steve," broke up with me a year ago. It was not a happy relationship, but I loved him and getting over him was hard.

As soon as I got serious with my fiance, Steve decided that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I have tried to be firm but kind in saying that it's out of the question.

Since then Steve has said twice that he is going to crash the wedding. My response was casual but clear (obviously that he shouldn't do it), because I don't want it to become a battle of wills. I haven't spoken with him since, but it would be in keeping with his personality to do it anyway.

I can't bring myself to talk to my fiance about it, because I don't want to mar the anticipation of the day for him, especially if nothing happens.

Information about the wedding is not public, but there's a chance he could somehow find out the place and time. I have thought about hiring security or talking to male friends of his to talk sense into him.

I'm starting to have nightmares about all the ways this could ruin the happiest day of my life, and far worse, ruin my fiance's day. I love him so much, and I can't stand the thought of how it would make him feel.

— A Terrified Bride

Dear wahahahah only in America,

God I love this...these questions are so easy! Once again (maybe I should get a stamp), try communicating with your man.  Tell him what the hell is going on...otherwise you're just setting a friggin wonderful precedent of lying and secrecy! Before the marriage even begins! hahahahah people like you singlehandidly keep marriage counselors in business!  Also using my rough estimates, you're marrying a dude 15ish months after you met him...in the words of Aziz Ansari, "I've had longer relationships with my sweater! Sometimes I'll look and find it in my closet after a few years and be like 'what the hell was I doing with this? what a terrible decision!'" so man this marriage is ending in divorce.  Maybe Steve should just wait it out.  Yeah lemme go talk to steve...HEY STEVE! YO STEVE! yeah man look so dont creep on this wedding, k? Just wait it out, it'll end in a volcanic eruption (Sharknado? SLOTHCANO!) - especially if she doesn't communicate with the hubster - and then you can go and pick the pieces up #winning #tigerblood #isitinyou


Dear Amy: My 19-year-old dog sitter flooded our bathroom floor while we were away, and it damaged the ceiling of the condo below us.

By her own admission, it was her fault, caused by pointing the shower head out the shower door. The plumber says he doesn't even understand how (or why) she did it.

We just moved into the building, so besides the $400 plumber costs and repairs, it also damaged our relationship with the neighbors. I don't know why she was showering in our home.

The dog sitter's mother is demanding I pay her because it was "an accident."

I replied that I was waiting for the bills to come in for the repairs and would handle it with her daughter directly.

Should I pay her fully, pay her partially or not at all? We all make mistakes.

— Single Mom

Dear this is why we don't let women out of the kitchen,

Holy crap.  Holy...wow.  So many levels to this...the dog sitter is a dumb bitch (heheh #puns)...who the FUCK POINTS THE SHOWER HEAD OUT THE SHOWER DOOR? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT THE FUCK? WHO THINKS "HEY LEMME DO THIS RIGHT QUICK?" WHAAAAAAAAAT.  So wow, yeah she's dumb as shit.  I wouldn't trust her to keep an eye on a friggin tree...aka a treesitter.  I wouldn't trust her with anything other than...actually nothing.  There is nothing this dumbass cunt can be trusted with.  But its not all her fault, clearly based on her mother's reaction, this retardness is hereditary.  HEY JOHNS HOPKINS WE DISCOVERED STUPIDITY IS HEREDITARY! CALL THE CDC AND STOCKHOLM! #nobelprizetime holy jesus I cant get over this...man this is hardcore reminding me of that time B@ssil tried to install a bidet and turned his toilet's plumbing into the delta of the Nile  (#egypt/lebanon #whatsthedifference #brownisasbrowndoes)...oh lordy that was funny #canyoulaughaboutityetba$$il? #no? #toobad #itsfuckinghilarious

It was an accident? Who the hell accidentally turns on a shower head out of the fucking shower area? I understand 'whoops bumped this shit' but then you immediately realize "oh crud its spillin water erewhere" and you immediately fix that shit...not just stare and go "hmmm well bummer might as well cause a flood"...also, why the fuck was she showering there anyway? #cunt #whorestatus #smackthatbitch i don't even know who this happened to (oh damn single mom that's...yeah, that's funny) but i'm fucking furious! and she wants to get paid! bitch how about you FIX MY FUCKING HOME YOU SHITLESS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN...wants to get paid yeah you show up here and ask for money...see what the fuck happens...you know how the joker got that scar? HE FUCKING BROKE A CONDO AND THEN WAS ARROGANT ENOUGH TO ASK FOR PAYMENT

oy vey. #somethingabouthowafricadoesntevenunderstandthisproblem "hey ohwanooko what's 'water' and 'flooding'" "i dont know jamalo mashburnoho it must be when the rivers flow with our blood and the bullets fall from the sky while machetes massacre our youth"

On the serious though this is a problem as far as plumbing and home quality goes...but not as a social problem.  This is as easy as it gets: don't pay the bitch, make her pay for your water damages/plumbing costs/etc (if you wanna be nice take her wages out of your costs).  If she doesn't...sue her for damages + breaking and entering.  Chances are you have a verbal (aka no one can prove this) deal, and yet there she was in your house damaging it.  #lawyerup #owndatass

Dear Amy: I got a kick out of your reprint of a letter from "Under Pressure in D.C," whose child still loved his blankie. One of my children (in college) still loves her "blankie."

As a baby she was my "Velcro" kid — attached to my hip. She needed to feel safe and secure more than my other children and uses her blankie when she needs to decompress.

— Secure Mom

Dear for the love of god you people are pathetic,

Nothing. No.  Nada.  NO.  These are signs of some deep psychological neurosis that need to be solved now before your needy daughter turns into some casey anthony psycho bitch who drowns their children.

#12DaysOfRaleigh #31DaysForArseneToDoSomething #Anything #SeriouslyAW #DOSOMETHING

nig u dont even understand a single thing

http://imgur.com/gallery/GhFyYmb

Dont even try to play me with dual monitor son...until you go quadmon you dont know a goddamn thing.

#QUADMON

I tried looking for a picture i had of #QuadMon but unfortunately i think they're all on mein ozza computah so oh well.

But seriously dualmon is absolutely pathetic compared to the raw display powers of #QuadMon.

ALL PRAISE #QUADMON There is only one God and #QuadMon is his prophet

na na na na na na na na #QUAD-MON!

#QuadMon is it in you?

Moral Monday...Thankful Tuesday...WANKAH WEHDNESDAIH

MLS All-Star game tonight against AS Roma, which could be a good game, but all that matters is Thierry Henry is playing.  Man I love Thierry Henry.

But before this whole post gets sidetracked by Mr Va-va-voom, let's deal with today's most pressing issues.

Crap damnit I just spent like 20 minutes watching Thierry Henry highlights. #whatever #standupspeakup

Also is this seriously a thing http://denver.cbslocal.com/2013/07/09/effort-to-create-new-state-called-north-colorado-grows/ maybe this is why marijuana is illegal you fucking druggies.  #thisisdefinitelywhywecan'thavenicethings

Dear Amy: I recently published my first book. Although it is fiction, a lot of the events and c haracters are based on my real-life experiences and the main character is based on me (though her actions are very different from mine).

I wrote the book under a pen name because I was afraid of negative feedback, but I told a few friends who I thought I could trust.

One of these friends, however, does not like the way I portrayed a character that I loosely based on her.

Instead of coming to me with her concerns (in a phone call or an email) she has written an online review that is more of a personal attack on me than a review of my book.

She has accused me of "viciously attacking" her, of "not being over my jealousy of her," and "needing counseling."

None of this is true.

My editor says that I shouldn't have to defend my work and that I should not respond and risk my reputation as a writer. I am, however, sad that I may have lost, and definitely damaged, this friendship. What, if anything, would be the best way to approach her? — Writer

Dear JK Rowling,

You don't need to hide behind a pen name! We know who you are...yeah your book sucked, but your name alone should allow you to milk millions out of consumers before they realize that! So who cares what your "friend" think, you can make millions writing some shitty book for each demographic, make millions and buy new friends! Hell you can rent my friendship services for like 5000 down 139 a month for 36 months (that nissan commercial yesterday looked dope)! You can paint me as beelzebub-meets-sandusky-plus-hitler and i won't give a shit! It's called fiction for a reason (plus I seriously don't give a shit #seriousoffer #callme #SouthernStatesNissan).  But wow I gotta admit its hilarious that someone would think a published author is "jealous" of her...bitch go write your own book.  It sounds like she's just pissed because...actually who knows she's a woman for all I know she's pissed because Pluto isn't a planet anymore.  And I absolutely LOVE that people make fun of NASA about it, as if they had remotely anything at all to do with Pluto being downgraded to dwarf-planet (let's be real its just a hunk of boring rock...no interesting gaseous properties at all...who actually gives a shit.  Besides if NASA named every TNO a friggin planet the solar system would have millions of planets and if everyone is a planet then no one is a planet).  Anyway you should be like bitch erethang aint bout you and then smack her upside the head with a pot and say "did this happen to (character she thinks is a ripoff of her) in the book? HUH? DID IT?" and for good measure hit her again.

Dear Amy: I'm a single mom in a serious relationship with a guy for almost three years. He's very caring and honest. I know he loves me a lot. He loves my daughter, too.

The problem is that he lives with his parents one hour away, and we only see each other once a week.

When we first met, he made a promise to me that after a year, if our relationship works out, we will get married. After two years I asked him about marriage, and he said he's not ready. We didn't talk for a whole month after that.

He is from a different background and religion, and his family controls him.

His family doesn't know about me. He's too scared to tell his parents about us. What should I do? — N

Dear what could be any Indian or terrorist Middle Eastern person (hahaha #bassil #lololol #yeraterrorist,'arry),

Ummmm...hmmmm...idk...we could try fucking communicating our concerns? Yeah let's try that out and see what happens:

situation 1: it goes well.  #whoopdedoo #fuckyou #fuckyourhappiness #ihopegeorgerrmartinkillswhoeveryoulovemost

situation 2: it doesnt go well #huzzah #thereisagod #noi'mnotangry #nope #notatall

subsituation A: he has to break up with you #partyrockisinthehousetonight #erebodyjusthaveagoodtime

subsituation B: he defies his parents' will, breaks free of their Israeli control, and everyone lives happily ever after #fuck #ihatethisgame #ughwhere'slemonysnicketwhenyouneedhim

subsituation C: he tries to defy his parents' will, it kind of works kind of doesn't, and now you've totally screwed up your daughter's understanding of how parenting and the real world works #soshe'sbasicallyasiannow #mightaswelleatthepetdog #racism #standupspeakup

subsituation D: note, this is most likely - it doesn't work, shit ends, and his PLO-based family uses their Hamas government and fucking bombs your entire neighborhood, before sending in suicide bombers to blow everything else to hell, and now you have an entire religious sect that hates America and white people just because "someone wanted to get married" #ihopeyou'rehappy #9/11isonyourhands #tradedpersonalhappinessfor9/11 #whatswrongwithyou #youwhore #ihopeyourotinhell #neverforget

In conclusion, don't have a child out of wedlock you slut.  This is all your fault, and I'll shower your daughter in change when I run into her in like 10-15 years because you raised your daughter like a terrible human being.

for the love of god arsene wenger #signsomeone #FreeANYONE #ANYONEATALL #IDONTEVENCAREWHOATTHISPOINT

Our banner, gold and blue, the symbol on it too, means FIGHT! For California, for California through and through

Sharing Is Caring #TBPforPOTUS2016

I'm sure many of you wonder "hey ashwin what's your biggest regret" in the hopes that I'll say something along the lines of "man that time I insulted (insert person of choice)...wish I hadn't done that" but I'm here to tell you my biggest regret is voting for McCrory.  I'm SO pissed about that.  He seemed like a good feller during the campaigns (a trap, I know, but Bev Purdue was CLEARLY a first-rate moron after her 4 years), but now I've concluded he and his party of "outsiders" (or are they insiders? who knows...isn't Thom Tillis from Florida? *googles* yup he's from Florida, went to school at UMd...wow he comes from UMd to ACC country and has the audacity to refer to actual NC natives as 'outsiders' holy fuck.  The Democrat party may also not know how to solve problems, but at least they contain their dumbness to governmental buildings #ireallyhateallofyourightnow #nonotyouthereader #youthepolitician #yeahyou #heyNSA #ihateyou #whatchugoindoboutit #comeatmebro #fuckyouNSA #ed-ward-snow-den #clap-clap-clapclapclap)

Also I found this shirt online...

...and all I could think of was some sort of creepy dude going "Rivers...he knows...you know what I mean...Rivers? he knooooows..." in a very human-trafficking-creepy kind of way, which was ironic and weird given the huge FBI bust over the weekend (hey the FBI does good things! huzzah!) #Chargers #AFCWestChamps

Anyhoo, on to today's pressing questions of utmost importance that I would never ever mock due to the unfortunate mental fragility of the askers:

Dear Amy: Recently, my brother was hospitalized for a serious mental health issue. My sister is an avid social media user. She was all over her social media accounts, sharing the details, which were very unpleasant. She "tagged" his name in posts.

I felt she violated his privacy and told her so. She says she is bringing attention to an important mental health issue. My feeling is that should be my brother's choice and he is currently in no shape to make a choice. We're at an impasse and wonder about your thoughts? — Private Sister

Dear your sister is an attention whore,

Wow that's just pathetic.  Surely there are easier ways to get random strangers to comment on you and your family...maybe she should post some boobies.  That would probably work as a method to quickly gain internet attention, instead of using ze bruda like this...also I'm pretty sure doesn't he have to consent to shit like this? And it seems to me, someone who isn't a doctor but looks like one so that qualifies me more than you to comment on this #racism #i'mnottrayvonmartin, that he is incapable of agreeing to this social media blitz and glamour...I think you should stab your sister, and then put her injuries on twitter and facebook and pintrest and myspace and linkedin and tumblr and yelp and see if she likes it.  If she does...well it backfired but you got to stab her so there's that...and if she doesn't well huzzah #solvedafuckingproblemjoe #letsbreakoutthehennessy #allthewaydownfromheretotennessee

Dear Amy: Fifteen years ago my wife fell in love with a married man.

We went to see a marriage counselor but it didn't make any difference. Our kids were quite young at the time and instead of getting a divorce, I decided to stay in the marriage. My kids were involved in religious activities and sports teams, which they would've missed out on because my wife isn't religious or into sports.

I don't believe my wife is in love with the other man anymore, but she's not in love with me either. She doesn't really like doing anything with me (like going to a movie or out to dinner, etc.), and if we do go out with one of the kids, she treats me like a third wheel.

Our youngest daughter recently graduated from high school, and now I'm considering getting a divorce.

I love my wife but don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I know I'm going to have to talk to my kids about the divorce but what would do you recommend I tell my kids — other than that I love them very much? — Sad Dad

Dear Did It For Teh Lulz Children,

Hey maybe you're married to the other whore from the previous letter! #nosuchthingasacoincidence  I say you ditch her Hester Prynne ass and boot that slut to the door...you suffered a lot more for your chirren than need be (which seems to have had an obvious effect given the 'religious' and 'sport' interests they wouldve only inherited from your presence) and now you should do the decidedly un-christian thing and get a divorce! #yolo #keepemontheirtoes  She doesn't love you, she fell in love with some other married man...hey I got it! Call up the other married dude, find his wife, get a trade! maybe you can throw in some children I mean draft picks into the deal to sweeten it up, and bazam you got yourself a brand new wife!  Or you could just activate the morality clause in your marriage deal and boot The Good Wife out the door without incurring any luxury tax #sportsmetaphors...or just staple a gigantic red "A" to her face and kick her in the uterus.  It'll be hard to verify if you got it on your first kick, so keep going.  If she presses charges we'll find Johnny Cochran and Chris Brown can be a character witness.  As for the children...as long as you keep spoiling them they don't give two shits about this whole situation.

Dear Amy: I loved your quote to the woman who wanted to dance ("She who dances most wins").

I keep a book filled with interesting quotes that I vainly drop into conversations now and then, and you're in it.

If your career ever goes to pot and you wind up living on the streets in an old refrigerator box, you'll have the comfort of knowing that you've gone down in posterity? — A Fan

Dear wow that escalated quickly #wtf #whosaysshitlikethat,

Let's ignore the quote for now and get back to your actual message...what the fuck man...I realize that there is literally no skill attached to this job, and I have no actual value as far as talent goes...but wow this was just mean...no need to discuss this "career" going south and resulting in homelessness...yeesh.  But there is the super-silver-almost-gold lining of being in your quote book! What the fuck...what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck...you're some random person, and you expect me to give a shit (note: i barely do now, but you expect me to once I'm HOMELESS? Look you egotistical banana fruitcake, you could be the goddamn pope and I don't care if youre quoting me I'M HOMELESS GIVE ME A MCCHICKEN AND SOME FRIES AND A FUCKING SHELTER YOU TWATNUGGET) about the fact that youre quoting me? WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DO-CUNTBASKET.  I hate you, your family, and I hope you die in a horrible zyklon b-esque manner.  Fucking "have the comfort of knowing you've gone down in posterity" man fuck you.  If I ever meet a guy named "Fan"...

Now about that quote...if the quote had been "he who dances most wins" feminists and feminazis all over the world would have been up in arms about the blatant sexism and bias in this quote, but all of a sudden we thrown an 's' in that piece and all be good.  gotta love double standards, mirite?  If I got some bros all riled up about this, femibitches wouldve been all over this about how it doesn't really mean "she" just means some random person, etc etc trying to defend this with rational arguments but take that 's' out and all of the sudden its gendercaust 2.0...ugh america its shit like this.  Between trivial gender problems and the trayvon martin circus...people miss important issues, like 70+ youth dying in chicago in one weekend, or the GIGANTIC HUMAN TRAFFICKING PROBLEMS THIS COUNTRY STILL HAS.  FUCK.

Anyway, "she who dances most wins"...fuck that.  I can dance if I want to.  Heck, I'll leave my friends behind if I have to.  Cuz my friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well shoot, they're no friends of mine.  Fuck this, I can go where I want to, a place you'll never find, and as a result act like we're out of this world leaving your nondancing one far behind.

S-SSSS

A-AAAA

F-FFFF

E-EEEE

T-TTTT

Y-YYYY

SAFE...TY DANCE!

pew pew pew papew pew pew pew

WE CAN GO WHERE WE WANT TO

THE NIGHT IS YOUNG AND SO AM I

AND WE CAN DRESS REAL NEAT FROM OUR HANDS TO OUR FEET

AND SURPRISE'EM WITH A VICTORY CRY

WE CAN ACT IF WE WANT TO,

IF WE DONT NOBODY WILL

AND YOU CAN ACT REAL RUDE AND TOTALLY REMOVED

AND I CAN ACT LIKE AN IMBECILE

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

WE'RE DOIN IT FROM WALL TO WALL

WE CAN DANCE, WE CAN DANCE

EREBODY LOOK AT YO HANDS

WE CAN DANCE WE CAN DANCE

EREBODYS TAKIN THE CHA-AAAA-ANNNNCEE!

woo that was fun...what was the question? Don't really remember, but it's probably accurate anyway so I'll close with hey whatshisface go stfu and solve it yourself like a big boy.

#FreeSuarez #spendsomefuckingmoneyarsenal