Dear Dad,
Happy Father's Day. This probably means nothing to you since when I asked you about it you thought today was "Flag Day, or some other nutty holiday Americans use to not do work" (although if I remember correctly Flag Day was like Friday or something, so you got the month right). But if it weren't for you, I'd probably be nicer, quieter, happier, friendlier, have less trust issues, be less penny-wise, have healthier interactions with other people, and be less mean. So from the bottom of whatever vapid organ keeps me alive at this moment, thank you. I can't imagine being nice like John or Bassil, it sounds painful and hard. So thanks for that. Thank you for your biases, as well. I hate Bank of America, Phil Mickelson, Alan Greenspan and Shell for unexplainable reasons. I literally have no idea why. It bothered me for a while, then I realized that my lifeforce is powered by negativity and a sarcasm-based photosynthetic-esque process, so it's also been a win on that front.
We have a relationship that Zeus would be proud of: I am Sissyphus, and you are the rock that is always crushing every part of me. If it turns out that Sissyphus isn't the bruh doomed to roll that rock up the hill, then fuck this and fuck you too. Thanks to massive amounts of miscommunication, I am a Chemical Engineer, something neither of us wanted, and clearly I'm going to be using this degree so very well. You're also supermad at me for some other guy crashing into me. It wasn't my fault, nothing happened to the insurance, and the other dude apologized profusely and accepted all blame (and paid for damages), and somehow it's my fault. This is like blaming Obama for Pearl Harbor. Flawed analogy? Sure. But give Fox some time and I'm sure they'll find some connection.
THIS JUST IN.
OBAMA? "FROM" HAWAII.
PEARL HARBOR? IN HAWAII.
BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR? COMMENCED US OPERATIONS IN WW2
2008 WHEN OBAMA WAS ELECTED? WE WERE AT WAR WITH IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN
WHO BOMBED PEARL HARBOR? JAPAN (BUT THE TITLE "TORA TORA TORA" SOMEHOW IMPLIES A JEWISH CONNECTION. I'M NOT BLAMING MOSSAD, BUT...)
WHERE ARE IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN? ASIA
JAPAN? ALSO IN ASIA!
COINCIDENCE OR NOT? WE REPORT, YOU DECIDE
Don't remember my original point...but yeah thanks Dad. Because of you, I am who I am today, and it honestly could have turned out worse.
But instead I'm going to get a series of degrees in Nuclear Engineering, then when WW3 starts I'm defecting to India.
#ComeAtMeNSA
#ReadMyBlogNSA
(But seriously NSA that's a joke. I'm not one of the moronic individuals freaking out about this Snowden shit, because a) WOAH BIG SURPRISE! and b) no one complaining is interesting enough to spy on c) I hate the ACLU and NAACP, they get in the way of REAL PROGRESS ffs, but just in case you catch some buzzwords, you can never be too sure)
ARSHAWIN OUT.
Oh, and shuck it UNC. Shuck it long, shuck it hahrd.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
The new mascot for Down's Syndrome...
It's a gloster canary...AND IT HAS A BOWLCUT. A GOSH-DARN-IT-ALL BOWLCUT.
Serious face time. Imagine the kid...building a birdhouse...oh god I'm sorry I can't. Oh dear lord #HellHereICome
Anyhoo, so yesterday I was at Best Buy looking at all the things I couldn't afford unless I started selling organs or blood diamonds or people, and this black BB employee comes up to me, and we chat about shit for a while, and then he goes off. And for the next 30 minutes, while I'm just cruisin around I hear this man, this glorious, glorious Hulk of a black man, singing...
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beeeeaaaauuuutiful day in the neeeeeeighborhood" etc. etc.
Is...Is...IS THIS NIGGA SINGING THE MR. ROGERS' THEME SONG?
I think so? This needs further investigation. So I sneakily follow him around the store, and lo and behold I hear the greatest thing I've ever heard a black man say:
"Would you be my neighbor? Could you be my neighbor?"
At this point I'm crying from laughter. But it gets better, as he goes up to a customer and loudly says:
"HOWDY NEIGHBOR!"
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Bible Quote Of The (Every Few) Days
Today's passage comes from 1 Timoty 3:8-13.
Two days ago I realized that an individual line is not quite as useful (aka hard to figure out) compared to an entire section, so I'm gonna start doing that. Also this is really hard to understand, and I have a lot of other menial tasks going on, so my super special deluxe analyses will probably come every now and then.
So this is about the peeps that lead the Church, I think. They gotta be good people that command the respect of others, and actually follow through on what they say. The irony here is quite apparent when you think about modern day church elder peoples touching little boys. I think there are other ways to command the respect of your constituents than through sexual dominance coughSANDUSKYcough. It also seems that they can't drink plenty, which is also funny considering every sermon involves wine. Hah yeah okay. You tell me that the wine is the blood de Christ, and then expect to maintain a certain level of sobriety. Cannibalism aside, that seems like a flawed system. "Hey Jim-Bob, this shit right here, this shit right here, this shit right here is THE BLOOD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR."
Actually, now that I think about it, if someone told me red wine (or white wine if you're doing the whole blood-plasma thing, I guess) was the blood of someone, I probs wouldn't touch that with a 39 and a half foot long pole. Okay so maybe the not drinking part is easy.
But then again, how does a grown man decide to touch little boys on his own? That's not a stab at Michael, that's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho I go a little bit crazy sometimes. #ChikaChikaSlimShady
Anyhoo, so yeah. So homeboys can't also do things for money HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHA
AHHHH
YEAHHHH
a) Christianity founded by a Jew.
b) Indulgences. What else needs to be said, Mr. Tetzel?
c) Tithing. Yup yup.
These speshul peepel need to follow what Jesus said, cuz he made it clear how to live ya life, HEYYY EYYY EYY just live your life! woah! eyyyy eyyyy eyyy. Apparently he co-produced Paper Trail, which is fine by me. No idea what "clean heart" means but it probably has to do with the fact that JC had low cholesterol or something. And basically once you find these peeps, you gotta run em through some drills to make sure they're okay. You gotta send em on a scavenger hunt where money is buried in the ground, and the people who "win" break the part about the no money. And then you use all that money to go barhopping, and all those people who make it to the end are also out, because clearly they can handle their liquor. And then you take the passed out poor "winners" to a preschool for naptime, and those that don't freak out when they wake up are also kicked out for pedophilia. Those that are left are the champions of the Vatican Olympics.
Now I think 'wahines' refers to womenfolk, but I don't know if this is all XX-havers, or just those married to the people running the church. The latter is interesting, for I thought that church elders couldn't be married. Maybe thats just el popo. Either way they gotta be good people who aren't hated, and don't talk trash and stuff (yeah good luck with that, Timmyboy) with selfcontrol (hmmmm...) and they gots to be trustworthy.
And these men can only have one wife, so it really makes you wonder what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were up to when they read this part of the Bible...they were probably like "hmmm nah let's just white out this part." So the next time you Mormon-converting asswipes come to my door, if you can explain Timoty 3:12 to me, I'll fucking convert on the spot. Elderify me, Scotty! And they gotta be good fathers and husbands. Good thing the Bible says this.
Two days ago I realized that an individual line is not quite as useful (aka hard to figure out) compared to an entire section, so I'm gonna start doing that. Also this is really hard to understand, and I have a lot of other menial tasks going on, so my super special deluxe analyses will probably come every now and then.
Da Main Helpa Guys Fo Da Church
8 Da main helpa guys fo da church, same ting. Dey gotta be solid kine peopo, so dat da odda peopo get respeck fo dem, an dey gotta mean wat dey say. Dey no drink plenny. Dey no do shame kine stuff fo get plenny money ony fo demself. 9 Dey know da kine stuff bout Jesus dat befo time was secret, an dey trus um, jalike us, an stick wit um, an do um wit clean heart. 10 You gotta check um out real good first, so you can know fo shua dey no do notting wrong. If dey do da right ting, den dey can come da main helpa guys fo da church.
11 Da wahines, same ting. Dey gotta be solid kine peopo, so dat da odda peopo get respeck fo dem. Dey no can talk stink bout da odda peopo. Dey no drink plenny cuz dey gotta stay in charge a demself. Everybody know dey goin do wat dey suppose to.
12 Da main helpa guys ony can have one wife. Dey gotta handle dea kids an dea own ohana da right way. 13 Da guys dat awready stay da main helpa guys, an do um good, everybody tink good bout um. Dey no scared fo talk bout Jesus, da Spesho Guy God Wen Send, cuz dey trus him, an dey know wat dey talking bout.
So this is about the peeps that lead the Church, I think. They gotta be good people that command the respect of others, and actually follow through on what they say. The irony here is quite apparent when you think about modern day church elder peoples touching little boys. I think there are other ways to command the respect of your constituents than through sexual dominance coughSANDUSKYcough. It also seems that they can't drink plenty, which is also funny considering every sermon involves wine. Hah yeah okay. You tell me that the wine is the blood de Christ, and then expect to maintain a certain level of sobriety. Cannibalism aside, that seems like a flawed system. "Hey Jim-Bob, this shit right here, this shit right here, this shit right here is THE BLOOD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR."
Actually, now that I think about it, if someone told me red wine (or white wine if you're doing the whole blood-plasma thing, I guess) was the blood of someone, I probs wouldn't touch that with a 39 and a half foot long pole. Okay so maybe the not drinking part is easy.
But then again, how does a grown man decide to touch little boys on his own? That's not a stab at Michael, that's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho I go a little bit crazy sometimes. #ChikaChikaSlimShady
Anyhoo, so yeah. So homeboys can't also do things for money HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHA
AHHHH
YEAHHHH
a) Christianity founded by a Jew.
b) Indulgences. What else needs to be said, Mr. Tetzel?
c) Tithing. Yup yup.
These speshul peepel need to follow what Jesus said, cuz he made it clear how to live ya life, HEYYY EYYY EYY just live your life! woah! eyyyy eyyyy eyyy. Apparently he co-produced Paper Trail, which is fine by me. No idea what "clean heart" means but it probably has to do with the fact that JC had low cholesterol or something. And basically once you find these peeps, you gotta run em through some drills to make sure they're okay. You gotta send em on a scavenger hunt where money is buried in the ground, and the people who "win" break the part about the no money. And then you use all that money to go barhopping, and all those people who make it to the end are also out, because clearly they can handle their liquor. And then you take the passed out poor "winners" to a preschool for naptime, and those that don't freak out when they wake up are also kicked out for pedophilia. Those that are left are the champions of the Vatican Olympics.
Now I think 'wahines' refers to womenfolk, but I don't know if this is all XX-havers, or just those married to the people running the church. The latter is interesting, for I thought that church elders couldn't be married. Maybe thats just el popo. Either way they gotta be good people who aren't hated, and don't talk trash and stuff (yeah good luck with that, Timmyboy) with selfcontrol (hmmmm...) and they gots to be trustworthy.
And these men can only have one wife, so it really makes you wonder what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were up to when they read this part of the Bible...they were probably like "hmmm nah let's just white out this part." So the next time you Mormon-converting asswipes come to my door, if you can explain Timoty 3:12 to me, I'll fucking convert on the spot. Elderify me, Scotty! And they gotta be good fathers and husbands. Good thing the Bible says this.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Bible Verse Of The Day
Gonna start a bit earlier, even though Da Jesus Book isn't here yet, but thanks to the internet we can start a bit earlier. And people who do read el Bible-o, if you get mad at me just call me and we can argue about religion. That will only end well for you. I've read enough rightwing websites to see that a primary argument for Christianity vs. Islam/Judaism is "it came first." But Glenn Beck, don't let me spoil history for you by reminding you of a little land called...Indiana? No, wait...no, India. Yeah, that's it. You know, the one that eats pop-maize instead of popcorn and throws spears and got sent to Oklahoma...ugh, no, wrong again. OH I GOT IT, the one that was alive and kicking for millenia. Got it.
Today's verse comes from Fo Da Hebrew Peopo Chapter 8 Verse 6:
But da priest kine stuff dat Jesus stay doing fo God, dat stuff plenny mo betta den da stuff da odda priest guys stay do. An jalike dat, same ting, Jesus da middle man fo da deal dass plenny mo betta den da first deal. An dat new deal plenny mo betta, cuz God wen make mo betta promises wen he make dat new deal.
Yo so basically Jesus was like MY NIGGAS lemme do this one thing for yall, and he took El Al flight 666 down to Bethlehem around year 1 BC, and 9 months later babang homeboy was born. And he came and said, "hey dipshits, God is SO PISSED right now, that I'm your main method to communicate with the Big Guy" and basically Jesus had the first communications monopoly. And only by pleasing Christ (or something) can you get into heaven...by appeasing to JC, you can enter the pearly gates. But how to do this, you may be wondering? WELL GOOD NEWS! You're not at the whim of some rando, God gave you his "word" which is basically a list of shit you should do to better your chances. Basically, God gave some rules to give you more lotto tickets, but JC is still the dude picking the pingpong balls, so he's still a crucial piece of this puzzle. But God is slightly biased towards Israel (its from Fo Da Hebrew Peopo, what did you expect? A justification for the Final Solution? #OyVey), so the Ark of the Covenant was probably created in Tel Aviv or something. Either that, or Mossad stole it. Like they do everything. Seriously Israel the only difference between you and China is that the US owes China money instead of giving it out. You both shamelessly steal from the U.S., have deepcover spies, and whenever someone is like "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TREASONOUS ARSE DOING" you ball up and cry about the Holocaust some more. A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE DIED TO, YOU ARROGANT ASSHOLES. THAT CARD EXPIRED LIKE 40 YEARS AGO, FIND A NEW THING. Holocaust? Over it. Even HIPSTERS have moved on. But yeah, the gospel gives all the knowledge, and JC is here to help make it mean something.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Once two strangers climbed ol' Rocky Top...
38 hour Knoxville round trip, noteworthy events I remember:
Chapter 1: My Very Next Boy...
Woke up at 5 am, left at 6. Google says it takes 6 hours to get there. Hotel check-in at 3 pm. In theory, you leave such that you arrive around hotel check-in time (aka get more sleep before you leave...) but whatever.
Left at 6, next 4 hours went as follows: drive drive drive some factory plant appears on the side of the road "HEY CHEMICAL ENGINEER TELL ME ABOUT THIS" *slaps me on the back* drive drive drive
Got to Asheville, mountains begin. drive drive drive *mountainous curves* *FLIPS SHIT ABOUT MOUNTAINS AND ROCKS FALLING AND DYING* drive drive *MORE SHIT-FLIPPING* drive drive drive
But we made it to Knoxville at around 12:30, two and a half hours before check-in. Brilliant.
Chapter 2: I'mma name it Peyton...
So whatever, we're there 3 hours early. NBD went to lunch. Now you may be thinking, new town, should probs go check out some local place of interest or something.
NOPE WE WENT TO AN #INDIAN RESTAURANT. #YOLO
Then we drove around some more, looking at things, my Dad complaining about the Kingston Pike (their version of Capital with a less shady vibe), and we discovered something awesome.
Something truly, truly awesome.
Gas at the Exxon by my house: tree fiddy (nine)
Gas at the Exxon by el hotel-o: tree nineteen
I am genetically superior to you all at math, so let me do it for you: HOMESLICE THAT IS 40 QUALITY CENTS PER GALLON. YOU FILL A TANK UP WITH 15 GALLONS YOUSE LOOKIN AT SIX (that's six in french, you uncultured swine) DOLLAROOS (that's dollars in australian, you boorish pigs).
Then we drove around from complex to complex. Now that I think about it, this trip wasn't terribly exciting, because we were just working the whole time. Only other highlight of interest is that I bought LB a ballin UTK mug, turns out I need to sign some forms with DHS, and I found an apartment near I-40 in a good 'hood for a badass price.
BOY, GIRL, GOTTA NAME IT PEYTON.
Chapter 1: My Very Next Boy...
Woke up at 5 am, left at 6. Google says it takes 6 hours to get there. Hotel check-in at 3 pm. In theory, you leave such that you arrive around hotel check-in time (aka get more sleep before you leave...) but whatever.
Left at 6, next 4 hours went as follows: drive drive drive some factory plant appears on the side of the road "HEY CHEMICAL ENGINEER TELL ME ABOUT THIS" *slaps me on the back* drive drive drive
Got to Asheville, mountains begin. drive drive drive *mountainous curves* *FLIPS SHIT ABOUT MOUNTAINS AND ROCKS FALLING AND DYING* drive drive *MORE SHIT-FLIPPING* drive drive drive
But we made it to Knoxville at around 12:30, two and a half hours before check-in. Brilliant.
Chapter 2: I'mma name it Peyton...
So whatever, we're there 3 hours early. NBD went to lunch. Now you may be thinking, new town, should probs go check out some local place of interest or something.
NOPE WE WENT TO AN #INDIAN RESTAURANT. #YOLO
Then we drove around some more, looking at things, my Dad complaining about the Kingston Pike (their version of Capital with a less shady vibe), and we discovered something awesome.
Something truly, truly awesome.
Gas at the Exxon by my house: tree fiddy (nine)
Gas at the Exxon by el hotel-o: tree nineteen
I am genetically superior to you all at math, so let me do it for you: HOMESLICE THAT IS 40 QUALITY CENTS PER GALLON. YOU FILL A TANK UP WITH 15 GALLONS YOUSE LOOKIN AT SIX (that's six in french, you uncultured swine) DOLLAROOS (that's dollars in australian, you boorish pigs).
Then we drove around from complex to complex. Now that I think about it, this trip wasn't terribly exciting, because we were just working the whole time. Only other highlight of interest is that I bought LB a ballin UTK mug, turns out I need to sign some forms with DHS, and I found an apartment near I-40 in a good 'hood for a badass price.
BOY, GIRL, GOTTA NAME IT PEYTON.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)